Anonymous wrote:You were married to a bad man. You need to accept that. Get into therapy as you have been gaslighted for a long time and it has destroyed your perception of reality.

+1.

You don’t sound bad, but also why would you continue trying to do IVF with this man? He even knew it wasn’t a good idea for you to have children. Go to a sperm bank if you are that desperate to be a mom, but he was obviously not dad material. He has done you a favor.

You are so lucky you didn’t have a baby with this person

You were married to a bad man. You need to accept that. Get into therapy as you have been gaslighted for a long time and it has destroyed your perception of reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He has told all his friends and family that I was abusive and I terrorized him. His friends have rallied around him and even helped him cheat on me during our marriage. His mom thinks I’m toxic and rude.

Meanwhile in the past 3 years I’ve been dealing with his infidelity ( he’d stay up till 4 am drinking by himself and chatting up girls on dating apps), drinking and not working; refusing to continue ivf or have any discussions about moving forward.

I buried my father, lost 2 babies and dealt with the financial blow of his business failures while he sought escape in alcohol, music and creative endeavors and ultimately other women.

I feel really confused.

Oh OP. Your last line - “I feel confused” - is always my mental note to acknowledge that I am dealing with a person who is trying to distort reality. Yes you are confused, because he was purposefully confusing you. No, there is no reason to try to make it make sense. All that makes sense is what you know (he is a bad person) and nobody can find that away from you. And there is no need for you to try to make any more sense out of it - even though that is what your brain naturally wants. Just tell yourself “that’s right, none of this makes sense, and that is OK”.

I don’t think anyone who knows me would ever believe I am “abusive.” It is preposterous! We went to marriage counseling and the therapist never mentioned that! Yes we had fights; it had to do with me wanting him to not stay up so late and drink alone; not create online dating profiles; find work or work on his business; talk with me so we can continue IVF.

He is reframing all of that as me…abusing him. And when I would he sad and cry he’d say I’m a bad person who is jealous of everyone and I can never be happy.

Why would you want to have a baby with this man?

Typical cheater narrative, turning around and blaming you. Take control of your life and celebrate losing the deadweight. I recommend getting a copy of Tracy Schorn (Chump Lady)’ Leave a Cheater, Get a Life. The Surviving Infidelity forum is also helpful.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He has told all his friends and family that I was abusive and I terrorized him. His friends have rallied around him and even helped him cheat on me during our marriage. His mom thinks I’m toxic and rude.

Meanwhile in the past 3 years I’ve been dealing with his infidelity ( he’d stay up till 4 am drinking by himself and chatting up girls on dating apps), drinking and not working; refusing to continue ivf or have any discussions about moving forward.

I buried my father, lost 2 babies and dealt with the financial blow of his business failures while he sought escape in alcohol, music and creative endeavors and ultimately other women.

I feel really confused.

Oh OP. Your last line - “I feel confused” - is always my mental note to acknowledge that I am dealing with a person who is trying to distort reality. Yes you are confused, because he was purposefully confusing you. No, there is no reason to try to make it make sense. All that makes sense is what you know (he is a bad person) and nobody can find that away from you. And there is no need for you to try to make any more sense out of it - even though that is what your brain naturally wants. Just tell yourself “that’s right, none of this makes sense, and that is OK”.

Op here. He has told all his friends and family that I was abusive and I terrorized him. His friends have rallied around him and even helped him cheat on me during our marriage. His mom thinks I’m toxic and rude.

Meanwhile in the past 3 years I’ve been dealing with his infidelity ( he’d stay up till 4 am drinking by himself and chatting up girls on dating apps), drinking and not working; refusing to continue ivf or have any discussions about moving forward.

I buried my father, lost 2 babies and dealt with the financial blow of his business failures while he sought escape in alcohol, music and creative endeavors and ultimately other women.

I feel really confused.

Congratulations OP. So glad this is turning around for you.

At some point, please give serious self-introspection as to why you married this man in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:Are you off the lease? You need to make sure you’re not legally liable to pay rent while he lives there.

Personally, I would not move out. You keep paying it, get him off the lease. He’s the one who can deal with finding a new place and moving his stuff.

See an attorney, but when I dealt with this, I made him leave and I gave him a set deadline to get his stuff, then I tossed it.

I moved out as I cannot afford to pay rent for our larger apartment. I got a smaller apartment that I can afford. He kept threatening to not pay rent the last two months to push me to move out. He said since I’m not his wife anymore, he doesn’t need to pay for me so either I pay or I move out. All of his stuff is still there. I have moved out most of my things and will finalize the rest of it this weekend.

Are you off the lease? You need to make sure you’re not legally liable to pay rent while he lives there.

Personally, I would not move out. You keep paying it, get him off the lease. He’s the one who can deal with finding a new place and moving his stuff.

See an attorney, but when I dealt with this, I made him leave and I gave him a set deadline to get his stuff, then I tossed it.

That sounds crazy-making, OP. You’re taking the right steps to take care of yourself. PP’s advice was spot-on.

Also, the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist How to End the Drama and Get On with Life is helpful in explaining how and why people can be attracted to others who don’t treat them well, with advice on how to shift that pattern. (It’s not about judging yourself, but about trusting yourself enough to listen and act in your own self-interest when others treat you poorly.)

Best to you.

Wow what a piece of trash he is. Good riddance.

Are you in therapy? It doesnt sound like youre abusing him, thats likely his story to convince himself (and others, as youve seen) to make you the bad guy. That way he doesnt have to feel guilty for all these hook ups. He's not really cheating, he's "finding love in someone else" or some crap.

I'm glad youre moving out and can start fresh.

I have posted here before about the lows of my tumultuous long marriage to my husband who serially cheated on me, was under or unemployed and focused on his music and writing while my fertility waned and I grew increasingly frustrated and sad about not meeting life milestones such as having a baby and owning a home.

In late June while I was away on a work trip my husband slept with a mutual friend that was arranged by his other friends as he had been telling everyone about how toxic I was.

Upon my return he quickly went to a trip to Nashville with his recently single friend who was going there with the express reason of partying and hooking up with other girls.

By snooping through his phone and uber records I was able to confirm that while in Nashville my husband slept with at least 2 women, one was a 50something mom of two.

I was processing all of this and how to confront him when in early July, when I was at work, he packed his laptop and a bag of clothes and walked out. He has not returned since. When u called him to ask where he was, he told me that he is leaving me as he will no longer be a victim of abuse as I am an abusive person and he doesn’t feel safe around me. He asked me to move out of our shared apartment asap as he will no longer pay the rent.

After two months of devastation and freeze response, I’m finally moving out. My mind is still reeling that he is saying I abused him…I can’t process this. As I thought he was cheating and lying and stringing me along? Suddenly I’m abusive?? Make it make sense