It's the silent shunning treatment from me. You are now dead. I have blocked and deleted your email and phone numbers, and I do not attend events you will be at. If I do see you I do not acknowledge your existence.

You can't use grey rock with someone you expect to have an ongoing relationship with. It's like killing a plant and then expecting it to come back to life later. It won't. Don't do grey rock on a family member.

It may not be exactly grey rock because your brother is there and you want to have real conversations, not just stick to the weather and neutral things. The key is remain calm no matter what. Do not take any bait. Let her emote and accuse and simply remain unbothered. I would say you walk on eggshells a little in that if you know certain topics set off a fire, avoid them. For example, some people cannot handle political discussions without flying off the handle even when you genuinely agree with them about the topic. I don't consider it walking on eggshells to avoid politics with those people. I consider it saving my own sanity and peace.

Also, try to create situations where you aren't forced to interact as much with her. At a larger family gathering is she stuck to him like glue? Does he ever get together with you without her?

Once, I asked for ketchup for the table, and they brought a restaurant branded ketchup. She made a huge deal about how disgusting it is not to bring Heinz. I simply said, “I don’t mind. I’ll use it.” And she gave me the cold shoulder for months after that, claiming I judged her.

You did the right thing saying "I don't mind." That's a form of gray rocking. She was trying to mae the ketchup brand a big issue and you just let it roll without a reaction. That's great. And the continuation of that is not engage in her reaction to you choosing to use the no-name ketchup (I mean, just reflect on how ridiculous that sounds!). You try to not even notice she's giving you the cold shoulder - try not to think about her at all, and just shrug at whatever she does..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray rock isn't silent treatment. It's not reacting when they provoke you or ignoring questions that they can use to attack you. What type of things does she do that bother you?

She’s very emotionally unstable AND volatile, sometimes at the same time. It’s hard to explain, there is just always this tension, like you’re walking on eggshells with her. You have to be careful what you say. Even the most benign comments she might take personally, or find a way to make them about her in a negative way. I’m tired of tiptoeing and censoring even the most benign topics of discussion to make her comfortable. Not everything is about her! I hope I’m making sense. Basically, she will turn everything around on you, even ketchup. Once, I asked for ketchup for the table, and they brought a restaurant branded ketchup. She made a huge deal about how disgusting it is not to bring Heinz. I simply said, “I don’t mind. I’ll use it.” And she gave me the cold shoulder for months after that, claiming I judged her.

Grey rock in that situation would be you not saying anything and just using the ketchup. And if she started with the “eww that’s so nasty how can you eat generic ketchup” you just shrug and keep eating.

That makes sense. But what about contributing to conversation? I’m worried that if I say nothing to her and speak only to my brother, she will say ignored her or was cold to her, or something like that.

Gray rock is smiling and saying “Okay” and not engaging further.

I can feel your anxiety through the screen. Right now you’re focusing on how to act so she acts like she’s not. That’s never going to be successful. I want to be clear: there is no ignoring or silent treatment involved in gray rocking. You simply give them nothing to work with. Your disengagement automatically de-escalates the situation.

Anonymous wrote:Think of it like "Oh, that's nice dear." No emotion, no reaction.

Including her in conversation like: "Hows work these days Sally?" "*&#$*&#&(*&" "Oh that's too bad/oh that's nice. Bob, did you hear about Dad's neighbor? I can't believe he ripped out the 50 year old garden!"

I think it takes practice to hold that calm peace, but you'll get it. It's actually SO rewarding to see them when you do it lol.

Yes! You engage on the most superficial of levels. Lots of nodding and “hmmm I see” or “that’s interesting.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray rock isn't silent treatment. It's not reacting when they provoke you or ignoring questions that they can use to attack you. What type of things does she do that bother you?

She’s very emotionally unstable AND volatile, sometimes at the same time. It’s hard to explain, there is just always this tension, like you’re walking on eggshells with her. You have to be careful what you say. Even the most benign comments she might take personally, or find a way to make them about her in a negative way. I’m tired of tiptoeing and censoring even the most benign topics of discussion to make her comfortable. Not everything is about her! I hope I’m making sense. Basically, she will turn everything around on you, even ketchup. Once, I asked for ketchup for the table, and they brought a restaurant branded ketchup. She made a huge deal about how disgusting it is not to bring Heinz. I simply said, “I don’t mind. I’ll use it.” And she gave me the cold shoulder for months after that, claiming I judged her.

Grey rock is pretty much doing that and letting her cold shoulder roll off your back. (Ha.) So if the says you were judging her later, you look puzzled and say “Huh. That wasn’t my intention. Sorry. Anyway, how about that sports team?”

You’re basically assuming that she’ll respond like a normal person, and if she doesn’t then she looks bananas.

Think of it like "Oh, that's nice dear." No emotion, no reaction.

Including her in conversation like: "Hows work these days Sally?" "*&#$*&#&(*&" "Oh that's too bad/oh that's nice. Bob, did you hear about Dad's neighbor? I can't believe he ripped out the 50 year old garden!"

I think it takes practice to hold that calm peace, but you'll get it. It's actually SO rewarding to see them when you do it lol.

Don't walk on eggshells. That will just make her worse over time.

You are doing that because you don't like her outbursts and you are trying to avoid them, which makes a ton of sense, but it is better if you can just make yourself neutral on her poor behavior. When, (not if), she flips out just remain calm, say "I don't see it that way" and move along.

View her outbursts as a good opportunity to practice the above.

In your case gray rock might mean you just act normal and let her get upset and you just not care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray rock isn't silent treatment. It's not reacting when they provoke you or ignoring questions that they can use to attack you. What type of things does she do that bother you?

She’s very emotionally unstable AND volatile, sometimes at the same time. It’s hard to explain, there is just always this tension, like you’re walking on eggshells with her. You have to be careful what you say. Even the most benign comments she might take personally, or find a way to make them about her in a negative way. I’m tired of tiptoeing and censoring even the most benign topics of discussion to make her comfortable. Not everything is about her! I hope I’m making sense. Basically, she will turn everything around on you, even ketchup. Once, I asked for ketchup for the table, and they brought a restaurant branded ketchup. She made a huge deal about how disgusting it is not to bring Heinz. I simply said, “I don’t mind. I’ll use it.” And she gave me the cold shoulder for months after that, claiming I judged her.

Grey rock in that situation would be you not saying anything and just using the ketchup. And if she started with the “eww that’s so nasty how can you eat generic ketchup” you just shrug and keep eating.

That makes sense. But what about contributing to conversation? I’m worried that if I say nothing to her and speak only to my brother, she will say ignored her or was cold to her, or something like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray rock isn't silent treatment. It's not reacting when they provoke you or ignoring questions that they can use to attack you. What type of things does she do that bother you?

She’s very emotionally unstable AND volatile, sometimes at the same time. It’s hard to explain, there is just always this tension, like you’re walking on eggshells with her. You have to be careful what you say. Even the most benign comments she might take personally, or find a way to make them about her in a negative way. I’m tired of tiptoeing and censoring even the most benign topics of discussion to make her comfortable. Not everything is about her! I hope I’m making sense. Basically, she will turn everything around on you, even ketchup. Once, I asked for ketchup for the table, and they brought a restaurant branded ketchup. She made a huge deal about how disgusting it is not to bring Heinz. I simply said, “I don’t mind. I’ll use it.” And she gave me the cold shoulder for months after that, claiming I judged her.

Grey rock in that situation would be you not saying anything and just using the ketchup. And if she started with the “eww that’s so nasty how can you eat generic ketchup” you just shrug and keep eating.

Anonymous wrote:Gray rock isn't silent treatment. It's not reacting when they provoke you or ignoring questions that they can use to attack you. What type of things does she do that bother you?

She’s very emotionally unstable AND volatile, sometimes at the same time. It’s hard to explain, there is just always this tension, like you’re walking on eggshells with her. You have to be careful what you say. Even the most benign comments she might take personally, or find a way to make them about her in a negative way. I’m tired of tiptoeing and censoring even the most benign topics of discussion to make her comfortable. Not everything is about her! I hope I’m making sense. Basically, she will turn everything around on you, even ketchup. Once, I asked for ketchup for the table, and they brought a restaurant branded ketchup. She made a huge deal about how disgusting it is not to bring Heinz. I simply said, “I don’t mind. I’ll use it.” And she gave me the cold shoulder for months after that, claiming I judged her.

Gray rock isn't silent treatment. It's not reacting when they provoke you or ignoring questions that they can use to attack you. What type of things does she do that bother you?

After years of bad behavior, I’ve grown tired of trying to make my SIL (my brother’s wife) comfortable. It’s clear she has undiagnosed issues that she refuses to treat, and I can’t contort myself any more than I already have, unsuccessfully, to make her feel better. I don’t hate her, I just feel nothing. But I know I don’t respect her. At the same time, I don’t want to cut off my brother, and they are a package deal. I accept I have to see her from time to time if I want access to my brother. So what does this look like? I know gray rock, but how does that look? Example, I’m at dinner with my brother. Obviously I have to include her in conversation, ask questions, contribute to the conversation. So how does gray rock work in these instances?