Anonymous wrote:My husband's company allows 16 weeks of paid leave for the "primary caregiver" and four weeks for the "secondary caregiver." My interpretation of the policy is that I am the primary caregiver and he would be the secondary caregiver because no matter how helpful he may be it's never truly going to be equal. My husband has a few male colleagues who have taken the 4 months so he feels he should do the same.

I think the optics could be bad and I don't want it to damage his career. Has anyone had experience with this?

This sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen. Take the 4 months.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work?

I think he could plausibly take the 4 months leave if both parents work. It would look bad if you’re a stay at home mom.

Personally, I think you should both take as much parental leave as possible. If you stagger your leave, your baby could start daycare at 6 months or even older. That would be so much healthier and the bonding time is invaluable.

OP here - I do work and have 4 months of paid leave. My husband cannot stagger. it has to the the first 4 months after birth.

So then hes the primary caregiver while you heal from childbirth and PP..... and FYI my husband had to be the primary caregiver for a few weeks while I recovered from 2600ml blood loss, iron infusion, post partum hypertension, post partum infection, and oh yeah our daughter had to be admitted to the NICU for a few days 1 week post birth. I couldnt be there so Dad was there overnight and I went a few hours during the day so he could have a break.

Take whats offered and let him take care of you or the baby and be the caregiver.

Anonymous wrote:He should take the 4 months. A) other people have done it B) "damaging his career" is a nebulous term compared to the concrete benefit of being able to care for his kid. Setting a reasonable and allowed boundary on family early on is a good choice.

Also, he is the "primary caretaker" because he can just focus in care while you have physical recovery to do.

+100

Why can't you both take it at teh same time or you go back earlier and then take off when paternity leave is over.

Anonymous wrote:Primary is the one giving birth

This is obviously not true, as lots of people adopt and still get to claim one as a primary if needed.

He should take it.

My DH self defined as a primary caregiver when we faced this choice over ten years ago. We both worked at the time, although ironically I ended up SAH. It did not even remotely affect his career trajectory. And having two parents home those first months is the best way to make sure he can be an equal caregiver.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work?

I think he could plausibly take the 4 months leave if both parents work. It would look bad if you’re a stay at home mom.

Personally, I think you should both take as much parental leave as possible. If you stagger your leave, your baby could start daycare at 6 months or even older. That would be so much healthier and the bonding time is invaluable.

OP here - I do work and have 4 months of paid leave. My husband cannot stagger. it has to the the first 4 months after birth.

Then the question is, do YOU want him home with you during your maternity leave?

Is he the type of person who would be helpful or would he just act like it was a huge vacation and take up woodworking or something else annoying?

Primary is the one giving birth

Anonymous wrote:He should take the 4 months. A) other people have done it B) "damaging his career" is a nebulous term compared to the concrete benefit of being able to care for his kid. Setting a reasonable and allowed boundary on family early on is a good choice.

Also, he is the "primary caretaker" because he can just focus in care while you have physical recovery to do.

I should note my spouse took his full leave with our son and his career is doing way better than fine. And he works in the defense industry in a field that's traditionally an old boy's club. Men actually tend to get rewarded at work the Dad stuff.

He should take the 4 months. A) other people have done it B) "damaging his career" is a nebulous term compared to the concrete benefit of being able to care for his kid. Setting a reasonable and allowed boundary on family early on is a good choice.

Also, he is the "primary caretaker" because he can just focus in care while you have physical recovery to do.

DH and I both work. I got no paid leave after having my kid several years ago, just FMLA using sick and vacation time. DH took parental leave as the primary caregiver but it was “only” 8 weeks iirc. He didn’t have to do anything to prove it, just indicate that he was primary caregiver, and he was able to take it when I went back to work so the baby could be home longer. It was so good for his bonding with the baby and he has no regrets about taking it. Nobody said anything to him at the time and 5+ years later nobody remembers that he took the extra time.

Your question is why my company got rid of primary and secondary and just said parental. Your husband should take his 4 months and establish himself as a primary parent for his child. It’s important for your family that your husband is equally invested in caretaking in the early days. And frankly from a societal perspective men must take all of their leave so that companies realize their workers are humans.

How do they define primary and are there any time limits on when the time should be taken? Historically at my company most men took their 4 months after the wife returned to work so that the baby entered daycare at 8 months. For those with a stay at home wife they took their 4 months as of day 1 because they were the primary caretaker of the baby while their wife was recovering.

Anonymous wrote:Do you work?

I think he could plausibly take the 4 months leave if both parents work. It would look bad if you’re a stay at home mom.

Personally, I think you should both take as much parental leave as possible. If you stagger your leave, your baby could start daycare at 6 months or even older. That would be so much healthier and the bonding time is invaluable.

OP here - I do work and have 4 months of paid leave. My husband cannot stagger. it has to the the first 4 months after birth.

Do you work?

I think he could plausibly take the 4 months leave if both parents work. It would look bad if you’re a stay at home mom.

Personally, I think you should both take as much parental leave as possible. If you stagger your leave, your baby could start daycare at 6 months or even older. That would be so much healthier and the bonding time is invaluable.

My husband's company allows 16 weeks of paid leave for the "primary caregiver" and four weeks for the "secondary caregiver." My interpretation of the policy is that I am the primary caregiver and he would be the secondary caregiver because no matter how helpful he may be it's never truly going to be equal. My husband has a few male colleagues who have taken the 4 months so he feels he should do the same.

I think the optics could be bad and I don't want it to damage his career. Has anyone had experience with this?