Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear people's experiences in a second marriage, specifically in how they changed what they looked for or valued in a partner based on their experiences in their first marriage.

How I changed - my first husband earned decent money. But that couldn’t compensate for all the other stuff I had to deal with. In my second marriage, I am the primary breadwinner. Does it sometimes grate me? Yes. But I know that there are issues money can’t resolve.

This sounds like me… I’m not married yet though, but serious with my boyfriend.

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear people's experiences in a second marriage, specifically in how they changed what they looked for or valued in a partner based on their experiences in their first marriage.

How I changed - my first husband earned decent money. But that couldn’t compensate for all the other stuff I had to deal with. In my second marriage, I am the primary breadwinner. Does it sometimes grate me? Yes. But I know that there are issues money can’t resolve.

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to know only what people in second marriages think? Because often times what they describe is not the same as how their children or their peers describe it.

Who gives an f about the peers? If I think your marriage sucks, what are you going to do about it?

Children - I’d take it with a grain of salt, but at least they are directly involved.

Why are you asking?

My brother's 20+ year second marriage is so strong and lovey-dovey it makes everybody sick. His second wife was also married before and they both have kids with their exes. Plus they make no money and had no prenup nor a reason for one. The kids (now adults) get along famously and so far as they're concerned they're blood siblings.

And he cheated on his first wife and that's how the marriage fell apart.

So it's all worked out well for them.

How does it compare to the first? First marriage was passion, second marriage is calm

Are there kids involved? No kids from first marriage, kids from second marriage

How did you blend finances later in life? All if his is mine, and all of mine is his

How was it received in your social circles? Fine, it was his first marriage. In a lot of ways, it's easier socially because we're the same class. His parents were just relieved I didn't have any kids

Anonymous wrote:How does it compare to the first? First one doesn’t even come close to the second.

Are there kids involved? Yes, one. No stepchildren.

How did you blend finances later in life? Put all our money and bills together. If we’re gonna do this, we do it as one.

How was it received in your social circles?

No one cared.

It’s much more complicated than a first marriage because there are built-in conflicts and many lose-lose scenarios.

You have to keep finances separate and get a prenup. There are a million reasons to do it and almost no good reason not to.

Socially, I found it best to mainly socialize with my friends and let him do the same. We have a few couple of friends, but none of them are from our previous lives, and I feel most accepted and happy when I’m with girlfriends now rather than couple friends. The couple of mixed gender friends I have are through my own hobbies, not some attempt at building family or couple friends.

We have successfully navigated this for a long time now, and the key has been allowing each other degrees of separation plus some togetherness.

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear people's experiences in a second marriage, specifically in how they changed what they looked for or valued in a partner based on their experiences in their first marriage.

I think it's important to look for things that are different *because* it's a second marriage, especially with kids. For example you might be looking for someone willing and able to step-parent, and to co-parent with your specific ex, when you weren't looking for that back before you had kids. And it's super important that parenting style be aligned at the time of marriage because you'll be parenting kids who are alive now, not gradually growing into parenting together with a baby. So it's really important that the person you marry have a realistic understanding of adolescent development and typical behavior and that you both be aligned on how to parent adolescents. All too often the childless spouse is un-knowledgeable and unrealistic about this.

It's also really important that the person make good financial choices and be stable in midlife-- that's not really an expectation when someone is 25, the expectation then is that they will have time to learn it and they have time to save. Not so in midlife.

You're also looking for compatibility in whether you think this is a re-do vs a second act. If you're not aligned with each other, and with reality, then it'll go badly. Someone with young kids shouldn't marry someone who wants to have a new baby and have that baby treated as a first/only child rather than a third or fourth sibling, for example. I liked this analysis a lot: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/drpsychmomshow/episodes/Redo-vs--Second-Act-Vision-Of-Remarriage-e31b12g

Hard but worth it.

Kids. Yes.

Finances. Separate. Pre nup.

Hardest part was my ex who went nuts even though we initially divorced bc he cheated and I met current dh years later

My first marriage was from ages 26-30. I realized during that time that he was not going to be a good match for the life I wanted to have. We had a dog, that we both wanted, and it was such a chore trying to get him to do anything with the dog. He would stay up late and sleep in, he didn't contribute to things around the house, and more. I decided that's not the kind of person I wanted to have kids and share a life with so I told him I wanted a divorce.

Now I've been married for 15 years to someone who is my equal in almost all respects. We both work and do as much childcare, housework, and pet care as the other. I was very careful when dating again to make sure I found someone like that. I would have rather been single forever than been married to someone who felt like a dead weight.

I would like to be on a 2nd marriage, but divorce is not worth it.

I'd like to hear people's experiences in a second marriage, specifically in how they changed what they looked for or valued in a partner based on their experiences in their first marriage.

Do you want to know only what people in second marriages think? Because often times what they describe is not the same as how their children or their peers describe it.

How does it compare to the first?

Are there kids involved?

How did you blend finances later in life?

How was it received in your social circles?