After living with this special kind of torture, I encourage you to cut the person off. It’s so toxic and will be for your own good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No recs but I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

-RN who used to work in mental health and the best thing you can do is to NOT engage and to have firm boundaries. Use simple, repetitive refrains. When you stick to it, it works. When you finally put down boundaries, it gets worse before it gets better, but it works. They won't be cured so plan to stick to your boundaries for life, as they cannot stick to them. Consistency is key and waffling only gives them an in-road.

Any suggested simple refrains? Like they say something -truth or lie- and just say “good to know” or “I know you think that”? Or what do you mean?

To my bipolar asd ex, I say:
Fascinating
Noted
Thanks for your thoughts
I hear what you are saying
I remember you saying that before
I understand your personal view on the matter

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best book i've read on it (and sadly i've read many) is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

It really changed my life in terms of stopping the cycle of expecting reasonable behavior out of them and also being able to see their actions more objectively and not get emotionally caught up in it

I will read this. I am still in the emotionally caught up phase and take the bait too often-getting mad at their repeating false memories and madder still when telling in front of others that believe it. If only socially acceptable to hold up sign that says, “that’s not true but they have BPD so they think it is.”

I'm 15:58 and the false memories is a really difficult thing because you start to think you are the one who is remembering things incorrectly. I am in the process of documentation and discovery for a divorce and it has been both validating and traumatic to pull old emails and be able to dig up old records and realize that the things that happened that later my spouse told me didn't happen actually did happen and I have actual records to show it. It's very confusing to be living intimately within this and very hard to get out, because most people on the outside don't see it.

It was hard for me to start talking about it to people because people thought of my spouse as the good one and the nice one but only knew them superficially. But OP, I want you to know that people have been supportive and kind and have taken care of me and my children. I hope you can find a way through this.

Out of the FOG really helped me deal with my mom and her BPD.

Anonymous wrote:No recs but I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

-RN who used to work in mental health and the best thing you can do is to NOT engage and to have firm boundaries. Use simple, repetitive refrains. When you stick to it, it works. When you finally put down boundaries, it gets worse before it gets better, but it works. They won't be cured so plan to stick to your boundaries for life, as they cannot stick to them. Consistency is key and waffling only gives them an in-road.

Any suggested simple refrains? Like they say something -truth or lie- and just say “good to know” or “I know you think that”? Or what do you mean?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best book i've read on it (and sadly i've read many) is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

It really changed my life in terms of stopping the cycle of expecting reasonable behavior out of them and also being able to see their actions more objectively and not get emotionally caught up in it

I will read this. I am still in the emotionally caught up phase and take the bait too often-getting mad at their repeating false memories and madder still when telling in front of others that believe it. If only socially acceptable to hold up sign that says, “that’s not true but they have BPD so they think it is.”

Who is this person to you? My mil was borderline and I completely pulled back after my second child was born. I let dh manage his relationship with her. It was awful to see how she treated him.

Anonymous wrote:No recs but I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

-RN who used to work in mental health and the best thing you can do is to NOT engage and to have firm boundaries. Use simple, repetitive refrains. When you stick to it, it works. When you finally put down boundaries, it gets worse before it gets better, but it works. They won't be cured so plan to stick to your boundaries for life, as they cannot stick to them. Consistency is key and waffling only gives them an in-road.

All of this.

Book title “Boundaries”, author is Cloud. A religious framework, but helpful even if you aren’t religious.

No recs but I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

-RN who used to work in mental health and the best thing you can do is to NOT engage and to have firm boundaries. Use simple, repetitive refrains. When you stick to it, it works. When you finally put down boundaries, it gets worse before it gets better, but it works. They won't be cured so plan to stick to your boundaries for life, as they cannot stick to them. Consistency is key and waffling only gives them an in-road.

Anonymous wrote:The best book i've read on it (and sadly i've read many) is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

It really changed my life in terms of stopping the cycle of expecting reasonable behavior out of them and also being able to see their actions more objectively and not get emotionally caught up in it

I will read this. I am still in the emotionally caught up phase and take the bait too often-getting mad at their repeating false memories and madder still when telling in front of others that believe it. If only socially acceptable to hold up sign that says, “that’s not true but they have BPD so they think it is.”

Anonymous wrote:oh gosh. I'm sorry. I am dealing with this right now, first in a sibling-in-law. Spouse went no-contact and so I thought we were safe after the rest of my ILs just brushed it off for years and years. It was crazy-making and scary.

And then my spouse hit a similar age to when it happened to sibling-in-law and it all started to come out in my spouse. And it is terrifying. I alternated between being scared and sad.

Books help when they're a relative you don't see often, but when it's up close you need to just stop reading and get yourself out of there, I mean it.

Out of morbid curiosity, I'm going to guess that it got bad at age 40-45?

Near it. They are master of keeping it functionally hidden which helps rest of family deny, but the confabulation is bad.

Thank you for reply. Really really appreciate. It’s very isolating to be on this side of it and especially when rest of family ignores/denies/excuses.

The best book i've read on it (and sadly i've read many) is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

It really changed my life in terms of stopping the cycle of expecting reasonable behavior out of them and also being able to see their actions more objectively and not get emotionally caught up in it

oh gosh. I'm sorry. I am dealing with this right now, first in a sibling-in-law. Spouse went no-contact and so I thought we were safe after the rest of my ILs just brushed it off for years and years. It was crazy-making and scary.

And then my spouse hit a similar age to when it happened to sibling-in-law and it all started to come out in my spouse. And it is terrifying. I alternated between being scared and sad.

Books help when they're a relative you don't see often, but when it's up close you need to just stop reading and get yourself out of there, I mean it.

Out of morbid curiosity, I'm going to guess that it got bad at age 40-45?

Nothing can change people with personality disorders - NPD, BPD...

They are the examples of pure evil. All you can do is gray rock them. If they are your parents, spouse, kids...walk away from them. FOREVER.

Read walking on eggshells that someone here recommended. Any other books for family members dealing with relative diagnosed with BPD who started therapy/meds, but quickly stopped and middle-age so likely plan for no therapy/meds rest of life? Immediately family now divided on how to engage with BPD member, but most are deniers/enablers.