It's your job to protect your daughter's focus at this critical period in her life. Juniors and seniors have it the worse in terms of work and stress for college admissions. Family gatherings are NOT a priority right now, and personally, I would make that crystal clear to pushy relatives. I would explain that college admissions are extremely high-pressure and stressful these days, and that she's actively sabotaging her grand-daughter's chance at getting into a decent college with her distractions. And if she pushes back from that... then I would get angry.

I definitely wouldn't describe DD as a people pleaser, since she's not doing anything to please the grandparents. Now, if that's her answer because it pleases you, that's a different story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there extracurricular games/concerts she could go to instead? High school and college is a hard time for kids with so much going on.

To her credit, my mom is really lovely about attending almost all the concerts.

I am hoping the workload settles out a bit. Junior year was a big ramp up from sophomore year and I think she's still figuring out how to balance everything.

BTW, above was me, OP. That's the first time I've replied.

Anonymous wrote:Are there extracurricular games/concerts she could go to instead? High school and college is a hard time for kids with so much going on.

To her credit, my mom is really lovely about attending almost all the concerts.

I am hoping the workload settles out a bit. Junior year was a big ramp up from sophomore year and I think she's still figuring out how to balance everything.

If a mother or father was working every weeknight until 10 or 11 and 6 hours day on weekends what would we call that?

Unhealthy.

That applies double for a 17 year old.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure you can tell her to knock it off. But I don’t blame her if she worries about your kid. Her life sounds miserable.

Sorry that you don't know what it feels like to be motivated.

Motivated? The kid is more than motivated. She’s scheduled to a tee and completely stressed out, and you have her in a “high pressure private school” to boot. You’re gonna burn her out. But hey, you’ll be able to talk about what fancy college she goes to at parties. I’m sure that’ll make it all worthwhile.

Anonymous wrote:Sure you can tell her to knock it off. But I don’t blame her if she worries about your kid. Her life sounds miserable.

Sorry that you don't know what it feels like to be motivated.

tell your mom that your daughter is under enough stress and pressuring and bullying her is not helpful and not appreciated. remind her that if grandma hopes to have a good relationship with her granddaughter as she grows older and goes to college, she needs to back off.

I swear, some old people get so selfish as they age and closer to death. Absolutely, tell her to knock it off. No, your child is not a small kid anymore, but you've already told your mother no, and she shouldn't be going behind your back in the first place.

Sure you can tell her to knock it off. But I don’t blame her if she worries about your kid. Her life sounds miserable.

Who are these old women who want to host, host and host some more?

I mean I am too tired to have anyone over. Where are these women finding the energy to happily host their families?

Or is this all catered food?

Are there extracurricular games/concerts she could go to instead? High school and college is a hard time for kids with so much going on.

Yes, she should knock it off. Young have their own lives by high school with their own plans and activities. Relationships with your mom are for you to manage.

Absolutely tell her to knock it off! Your priority is to your child, and your mom trying to bully her into doing what she wants is not cool.

My 17 is a sweet teenager. She has a baseline level of anxiety and people pleasing, but nothing pathological, we all have our "stuff"

She is a junior at a high pressure private school, and she's really committed to getting good grades and maintaining a specific extracurricular that requires regular practice and takes up two, essentially nonnegotiable, evenings a week. She manages her own schedule, does her work, and tends to do one or two social things on weekends only with friends. But, she is coming home and working pretty steadily until 10 or 11pm on weekdays and putting in 5-6 hours daily on weekends with work. This is all her choice, she picked her schedule, and we've never even set a curfew for her, let alone told her she couldn't go out anytime.

Now, the issue. My family! They are local, and, for decades, there has been steady pressure to do family events, holiday dinners, etc. I have a history of being the most flexible, but, honestly, we aren't religious (Jewish) and could take or leave most of the many, many holidays.

This year, not a single Jewish holiday (except Sukkot which is when we have college visits planned) falls over a weekend. When first asked, I asked my daughter her real thoughts and she said the thought of having a third weekday evening out of the house was extremely stressful. So, I gave my mom a firm "no" on doing weekday family events. We'd be happy to get together any Friday or Saturday evening. We'd be happy to host anyone for family dinner during the week.

Now, however, she is going directly to my kid and laying on the pressure. I get that my kid isn't a "kid" anymore and should be able to manage her own relationships and time, but I really want to tell my mom to knock it off.

To be clear, we've already hosted my mom for dinner twice, and we made day trip plans with her for two weekends during the fall, and we talk almost daily. It's not like we never see her!