All this stuff about “leave them at home, that’ll show them!” … “stop offering to take them anywhere” … “go out only with your spouse” LOL is that supposed to be a solution for someone whose sadness was entirely about not being able to go out together as a family?

These kids *want* to be left alone at home. That is in fact what they want most. Because they both have autism. Going out can be overwhelmingly stressful for them and so what is the most comfortable for them is to cocoon at home. Thus the parent’s sadness.

Anonymous wrote:Op here, mostly we do divide and conquer.
They do function “in society.” It’s at home, the safe place, that they want to be comfortable and resist strongly when that comfort is disturbed for things that they feel, unlike school, are unnecessary. Of course it doesn’t “matter” if we don’t all go out to eat together, or whatever. It’s just depressing to me.

+1. People don't get it unless they live it.

Are they old enough and high functioning enough to be home alone?

Start dating your husband again and leave those moody reactive teens at home. If one or both really wants to join in on one of your dates, welcome them.

Anonymous wrote:Op here, mostly we do divide and conquer.
They do function “in society.” It’s at home, the safe place, that they want to be comfortable and resist strongly when that comfort is disturbed for things that they feel, unlike school, are unnecessary. Of course it doesn’t “matter” if we don’t all go out to eat together, or whatever. It’s just depressing to me.

They’re just spoiled and have learned what they can get away with. If they can keep it together outside of the home they are choosing to be a-holes at home. I would stop offering to take them anywhere. Go out with your spouse, tell them to make sandwiches or order them a pizza.

Seriously. You mean well but you aren’t helping them big picture.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the child that freaks out stay home with one parent and the other parent takes the child who is willing?

+1. Unfortunately, many of us do divide-and-conquer. Sometimes you just want to go out as a family.

If both teens, why not leave one at home with a “no screens allowed” rule? Why does the other parent have to have their night ruined too?

Op here, mostly we do divide and conquer.
They do function “in society.” It’s at home, the safe place, that they want to be comfortable and resist strongly when that comfort is disturbed for things that they feel, unlike school, are unnecessary. Of course it doesn’t “matter” if we don’t all go out to eat together, or whatever. It’s just depressing to me.

Is it possible that they are struggling with anxiety? Maybe that is affecting things like outings? I know anxiety is common in our kids, especially as teens.

We also divide and conquer a lot. One on one outings are always more successful and easier to get ahead of a meltdown.

Anonymous wrote:Can the child that freaks out stay home with one parent and the other parent takes the child who is willing?

+1. Unfortunately, many of us do divide-and-conquer. Sometimes you just want to go out as a family.

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like they're very high functioning if little things (to us) set them off to the point of ruining the outing. Maybe they need more intensive therapy than they're currently getting?

Careful, your ignorance is showing.

Ditch the screens.

It doesn't sound like they're very high functioning if little things (to us) set them off to the point of ruining the outing. Maybe they need more intensive therapy than they're currently getting?

Can the child that freaks out stay home with one parent and the other parent takes the child who is willing?

This is exactly our life right now. Identical. Have nothing to offer except to share you are not alone in your journey.

I have two teens with high functioning autism. Every time we try to do a family activity together — go out to dinner, to the pool, a show — invariably one or the other will get triggered by something (a change in schedule, not having the right item of clothing, whatever) and melt down. Yelling, screaming, retreating to their room. Then the event is ruined because we are too late, it has to be cancelled, etc. It’s just f’ing exhausting.
So the easiest thing to do is never try to do anything, because their immediate reaction to anything slightly new or outside of their comfort zone is “no!” I confess that I get annoyed by this, because I would like to occasionally go do things and, what’s more, I know that when we do manage to overcome their initial resistance they usually have fun together. But more and more often lately we are just getting bogged down in freak outs. If it’s not one of them getting upset about some tiny thing, it’s the other.
It’s hard for me to know how much they truly are not able to adapt versus their just being unwilling to. I never know how much to push it. I don’t remember why it wasn’t like this when they were younger. Maybe they had meltdowns (of course they did) and it felt more age-appropriate, or maybe they were just more willing to follow adults’ lead than teens are. It just feels like we never have fun together as a family and that makes me sad.