I have a relative that moved to a new house that had basically a separate apartment area where she could put her spouse and his 24-7 caregivers. So it was right there but she had her own space and his area locked so he couldn’t wander the house and her hurt or lost. It worked pretty well but was probably more expensive that memory care. Thankfully he ended up dying of a heart attack before he got to the stage where he just sat there and stared blankly. The expensive memory care places have more things that you could have in a privat home — eg special games or art projects, pets that visit, etc. so there can be some advantages.
For whatever reason, Bruce’s wife gets a lot of grief in public fora. I remember when he was public about his diagnosis, a lot of people said she had pushed him to make all those awful movies in his last few years as a gravy train situatoo. And others pointed out that perhaps he was trying to make as much money as possible in the last few years to make sure his young children were provided for. None of us are in a situation to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she married him for the money and took a quick out as soon as she could. This is not caregiving. She moved him to another house and hid him away paying for 24-7 care and visited a few minutes a day. I cannot imagine doing that to my spouse.

It is human nature for a mother to prioritize the well-being of her children over that of her spouse in a conflict.

She had nannies and care for him... And, a huge house. Easy to make it work. I cared for my MIL and young kids with no help for a year... talk about hard.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she married him for the money and took a quick out as soon as she could. This is not caregiving. She moved him to another house and hid him away paying for 24-7 care and visited a few minutes a day. I cannot imagine doing that to my spouse.

It is human nature for a mother to prioritize the well-being of her children over that of her spouse in a conflict.

Sounds like she married him for the money and took a quick out as soon as she could. This is not caregiving. She moved him to another house and hid him away paying for 24-7 care and visited a few minutes a day. I cannot imagine doing that to my spouse.

I thought it was brilliant. Had no idea some people will have issues with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has the money, OP. It makes all the difference! I assume many people would do this if they had the money. There's nothing to criticize, but I also think it's normal.

My aunt's in-laws both developed dementia, and despite being upper-middle class, there were financial and logistical concerns in putting them both in separate memory care, so the family ended up paying for 24/7 care in the in-laws' own home. Two patients together with a rotating team of aides.

My MIL has Parkinson's and expressed the desire to stay home, so her sons have arranged everything so she can do that, with cooks and cleaners and nurse visits for her treatments, plus a night nurse. Today my son, who attends college near her house, had a nice Sunday lunch with her. She gets visits from all her grandchildren. She's very lucky to have the family and financial support to be able to live like this.

I don’t know that having money makes all the difference. There is absolutely a mental hang up for people to use that money to care for your loved one outside the home. I mean, my parents have money and could even bring themselves to use to hire housecleaning.

PP you replied to. It's because Emma is younger, and still thinks like a healthy adult person. A lot of older people without dementia lose just enough executive function and develop anxiety such that they have great difficulty doing new things. My parents are like this, and every other elderly person I know is like this too. But Bruce's wife is not at that age yet! She's clearly a decent, competent human being... so she's doing the right thing. Honestly, in terms of operational support, she's in the position of adult daughter to Bruce, not wife.

Emma has kids still in the house , too, so she thinks like a sandwich generation adult child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has the money, OP. It makes all the difference! I assume many people would do this if they had the money. There's nothing to criticize, but I also think it's normal.

My aunt's in-laws both developed dementia, and despite being upper-middle class, there were financial and logistical concerns in putting them both in separate memory care, so the family ended up paying for 24/7 care in the in-laws' own home. Two patients together with a rotating team of aides.

My MIL has Parkinson's and expressed the desire to stay home, so her sons have arranged everything so she can do that, with cooks and cleaners and nurse visits for her treatments, plus a night nurse. Today my son, who attends college near her house, had a nice Sunday lunch with her. She gets visits from all her grandchildren. She's very lucky to have the family and financial support to be able to live like this.

I don’t know that having money makes all the difference. There is absolutely a mental hang up for people to use that money to care for your loved one outside the home. I mean, my parents have money and could even bring themselves to use to hire housecleaning.

PP you replied to. It's because Emma is younger, and still thinks like a healthy adult person. A lot of older people without dementia lose just enough executive function and develop anxiety such that they have great difficulty doing new things. My parents are like this, and every other elderly person I know is like this too. But Bruce's wife is not at that age yet! She's clearly a decent, competent human being... so she's doing the right thing. Honestly, in terms of operational support, she's in the position of adult daughter to Bruce, not wife.

Dementia patients can often be dangerous to themselves and others, and it sounds like this was a particularly dangerous situation, even if they had helpers in the house. He was still physically very strong, and there were minor children in the home.

Anonymous wrote:She has the money, OP. It makes all the difference! I assume many people would do this if they had the money. There's nothing to criticize, but I also think it's normal.

My aunt's in-laws both developed dementia, and despite being upper-middle class, there were financial and logistical concerns in putting them both in separate memory care, so the family ended up paying for 24/7 care in the in-laws' own home. Two patients together with a rotating team of aides.

My MIL has Parkinson's and expressed the desire to stay home, so her sons have arranged everything so she can do that, with cooks and cleaners and nurse visits for her treatments, plus a night nurse. Today my son, who attends college near her house, had a nice Sunday lunch with her. She gets visits from all her grandchildren. She's very lucky to have the family and financial support to be able to live like this.

I don’t know that having money makes all the difference. There is absolutely a mental hang up for people to use that money to care for your loved one outside the home. I mean, my parents have money and could even bring themselves to use to hire housecleaning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My concern is him not understanding where he now is, where his family is, being confused, feeling abandoned, getting depressed.

He likely does not know who they are anymore, but can enjoy their visits. With my own parent they sense emotion, but don't know who you are. So if you visit and are happy and loving, the person with dementia catches the mood. If you are exhausted and losing it (which I saw happening even with 24-7 care, because caregivers need time in their own home without a constant stream of strangers) the person with dementia senses the frustration and can become stressed.

Along these lines when mom was stressed out and unhappy with 24-7 caregivers for dad my brother turned to ask and said "do you know who she is?" (pointing at mom). Dad said "I don't know who she is, but she's mean and bossy." Once dad was properly cared for in Memory Care he seemed to like mom again when she visited because she wasn't snapping at him and unhappy. He didn't look like he felt abandoned at all. We would come visit and observe him signing, laughing at lunch with a group or doing chair exercises with a group and smiling before he even knew we were there. As things progressed he napped a lot, but never seemed unhappy. With progression he showed less affect/emotion, but we are told that is normal and people in my support group who had parents at home saw the same thing-flat affect over time. Sometimes the flat affect was due to the person being medicated to prevent aggression, but we were lucky dad was aggressive.

Anonymous wrote:My concern is him not understanding where he now is, where his family is, being confused, feeling abandoned, getting depressed.

He likely does not know who they are anymore, but can enjoy their visits. With my own parent they sense emotion, but don't know who you are. So if you visit and are happy and loving, the person with dementia catches the mood. If you are exhausted and losing it (which I saw happening even with 24-7 care, because caregivers need time in their own home without a constant stream of strangers) the person with dementia senses the frustration and can become stressed.

She has the money, OP. It makes all the difference! I assume many people would do this if they had the money. There's nothing to criticize, but I also think it's normal.

My aunt's in-laws both developed dementia, and despite being upper-middle class, there were financial and logistical concerns in putting them both in separate memory care, so the family ended up paying for 24/7 care in the in-laws' own home. Two patients together with a rotating team of aides.

My MIL has Parkinson's and expressed the desire to stay home, so her sons have arranged everything so she can do that, with cooks and cleaners and nurse visits for her treatments, plus a night nurse. Today my son, who attends college near her house, had a nice Sunday lunch with her. She gets visits from all her grandchildren. She's very lucky to have the family and financial support to be able to live like this.

My concern is him not understanding where he now is, where his family is, being confused, feeling abandoned, getting depressed.

100%, my aunt did this when her husband's Alzheimers advanced and it was the best thing for everyone. Ideally you can find a facility nearby and see them frequently. I think taking the actual day to day physical care (which professionals are going to be much better at anyway) off your plate actually makes it much easier to provide the stuff that only a loving family member can provide -- love, tenderness, memories, affection.

Total respect for anyone who makes this choice and I agree -- this needs to be more affordable for more people.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/bruce-willis-wife-reacts-to-criticism-of-couple-living-separately-as-he-battles-dementia-they-don-t-get-a-say/ar-AA1LynVx?ocid=msedgntp&pc=U531&cvid=68b450adf7b4496cbef1a0f21fbf7914&ei=12

I wish my mother did the same thing and there was plenty of money dad earned to do so. We eventually had to rescue dad from her home when is was crystal clear she crossed the line into verbal and emotional abuse toward him and we placed him in a beautiful, serene and well-regarded memory care and hired an extra caregiver. I applaud Emma for having the self-awareness to know it was too much for the family and he could get the best care possible in a serene environment with them visiting often. Even with dementia they can sense burnout and stress in others. Emma has gotten a ton of black-lash, most of it from people who never lived it. My mother had 24-7 care for dad too, but she cared more about keeping up appearances than doing what was best for him and what would keep her sane. She could not hide her burnout, anger and resentment which was being shown to him more and more and she was lashing out at others too. I'm sure Emma hired the best caregivers for Bruce. She visits him with the kids all the time and his adult children visit and Demi. My dad was so much calmer and more content once he was in a more appropriate environment and his visitors arrived well rested and ready to bring him some joy or even just peaceful company. My heart goes out to anyone who doesn't have options due to financial circumstances.