preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things)

STOP THIS NONSENSE

It does sound like you're doing too much. If they're going to be disappointed either way, then why wear yourselves out?

It sounds like you're expecting (or trying to basically purchase through gifts and effort) a performance of happiness and gratitude, while your children also tolerate deviation from routine and unusual foods, changes to decor, as well as dysregulated adults. You're combining deviation from routine with increased social expectations and those things don't go well together. When things are less "special" there's less
pressure on them to be on special occasion behavior.
You're the adult and you can make the change. Tell them they can pick a present in advance, no surprises. Stop decorating so much and make the food mostly normal. Ask yourself what the kids actually do well with, rather than what you think a family should do. Give them what works for them.

We’re an ADHD/ASD family. We’ve never had the problems you describe.

My 14 YO with AuDHD, depression, and anxiety has a hard time with holidays. We keep things very low key and simple.

Birthdays are a couple gifts for the birthday child (and whatever the extended family sends), their choice for dinner (out to eat or take out), and maybe a couple balloons.

We also have toned down Christmas and instead of putting all gifts together under the tree, we have the gifts for each of our two kids in distinct piles so they know which gifts are for them. They can open them as quickly or as slowly as they want to. They can open in private or with everyone else. They are expected to be polite and thankful, but we don't make it into a big to-do with extended family.

In terms of gifts - I would not do surprises for your kids if they can't handle it. Let them know which gifts they are getting from their list and which they are not. Some people love surprises, but for some it just adds to the stress.

It’s wayyyyy too much. We have ASD (parent and child) and the kid also has ARFID. We do a couple presents in the evening at dinner at the one restaurant that the ARFID kid will eat. No singing.

Christmas has also toned way down after stress and experience. Opportunity for breaks as well.

One present for the birthday child only. One gift. Not a table full.

Anonymous wrote:Are birthdays and holidays hard for any other neurodivergent families? I’m a mom with ADHD and two kids, an older one who is 9 with ADHD and anxiety and younger one who is 5 with ADHD, feeding issues (a step above ARFID), and poss. ASD. My DH is not neurodivergent.

It seems no matter what strategies we use - preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things), there are inevitably tears, disappointment, tears at gifts they don’t like, and big feelings and fighting between the kids. It’s so opposite from how I behaved as a kid (I was raised to suck it up when my siblings had their birthdays and I did) and my DH (he was the child of a single parent who struggled financially so birthdays were always very constrained) that as much as we both set our expectations on the floor for the day, the kids manage to eventually set one or both of us off with their behavior. We have tried years where we do less and the disappointment is even greater.

The kids have managed to make holidays, birthdays, and all holidays not about them (especially Mother’s and Father’s Day) fraught events that I have come to dread, despite putting in a big smile and trying to do my best to make it special for them. I wonder if anyone else struggles with this, because I feel like I’m completely failing at parenting.

Stop doing all that. Instead, take them to a store and let them pick out something or let them pick an outing/experience.

And the small gift thing is really taking away a life skill called coping.

I have a very pda, self centered autistic kiddo and ye understands birthdays aren't about him unless its his birthday.

I think you need to keep things low key. The buildup and expectations might be what is causing all these problems.
An ordinary day with a favorite meal and one gift may be all they can handle.

I dont think this has as much to do with neurodivergence as it does household management and expectations. But I do hear you and can relate to the big emotions and things that should be fun being difficult. For my 10 year old with adhd and anxiety that means NOT hyping things up too much. I don't include him in planning a party or ask his input or make him tell me who he is inviting. I just do it and then talk to him calmly about the plans. I sometimes withhold information, even if its a good thing and I want to be excited, because I know he gets over stimulated. Its a balance though because he also likes to be prepared and know what's coming. But the key for us is not to make it too amped. With you having adhd I can see that being an issue perhaps. Like do you jump from one topic to the next in conversation? Do you talk about something exciting too much? Can you tone it down or dish it out for them more evenly?

I cant relate to what you're talking about "tolerating siblings birthdays". You're doing something wrong there. Everyone gets a birthday and everyone is happy for that person on their birthday. It doesn't diminish your own importance or take so much priority that it should throw the house off balance. One kid can have a birthday, get a gift and get to pick the family meal, and the other kid can still be taken to soccer practice and get a book read to them at bedtime, or whatever their needs are for the day. They arent exclusive of each other, but your kids are reading it as such. Have you ever said to one "we can't do that thing for you because it's his birthday today?". What is creating the scarcity they are perceiving?

We also don't get big emotions at most other holidays because we dont do much out of the ordinary. Mothers and fathers day are cards and hugs. Valentines are candy and cards for all. The big holdiays that involve extendes family are complicated for their own reasons. But the little ones? They shouldn't be a huge deal.

My kids both have ADHD/Anxiety and one also has ASD + DMDD.

We do none of this for bdays. You get a special dinner where the bday child gets to pick the restaurant. They have ranged over the years from McD to Capital Grill. The bday child is allowed to make a list of gifts they would like. The other child helps pick out the gifts. We don’t do over the top bday parties—family only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respectfully, it sounds like things are over the top from the start. Waking up to decorated rooms and table “full” of presents???

I don’t think this is really a neurodivergence issue as a spoiled brat one.

+1. Anxiety and ADHD aren’t reasons to make all holidays not about them into horrible days. Plenty of kids have both of these issues and are still learn how to be kind and respectful to others.

+2. Their behavior has extremely little to do with neurodivergence.

Anonymous wrote:Respectfully, it sounds like things are over the top from the start. Waking up to decorated rooms and table “full” of presents???

I don’t think this is really a neurodivergence issue as a spoiled brat one.

+1. Anxiety and ADHD aren’t reasons to make all holidays not about them into horrible days. Plenty of kids have both of these issues and are still learn how to be kind and respectful to others.

I feel like birthdays should be happy birthday. Then a favorite meal. A few gifts that they asked for.

Otherwise, I think it’s too much

Respectfully, it sounds like things are over the top from the start. Waking up to decorated rooms and table “full” of presents???

I don’t think this is really a neurodivergence issue as a spoiled brat one.

Are birthdays and holidays hard for any other neurodivergent families? I’m a mom with ADHD and two kids, an older one who is 9 with ADHD and anxiety and younger one who is 5 with ADHD, feeding issues (a step above ARFID), and poss. ASD. My DH is not neurodivergent.

It seems no matter what strategies we use - preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things), there are inevitably tears, disappointment, tears at gifts they don’t like, and big feelings and fighting between the kids. It’s so opposite from how I behaved as a kid (I was raised to suck it up when my siblings had their birthdays and I did) and my DH (he was the child of a single parent who struggled financially so birthdays were always very constrained) that as much as we both set our expectations on the floor for the day, the kids manage to eventually set one or both of us off with their behavior. We have tried years where we do less and the disappointment is even greater.

The kids have managed to make holidays, birthdays, and all holidays not about them (especially Mother’s and Father’s Day) fraught events that I have come to dread, despite putting in a big smile and trying to do my best to make it special for them. I wonder if anyone else struggles with this, because I feel like I’m completely failing at parenting.