OP, reread your own post, especially your penultimate sentence. Is she doing those things you supposedly require for her to live at home now? No? So, why is she still there?

You and your DH need to have a hard conversation together about this. I have a feeling the two of you are not on the same page about how to handle this.

Timeline of accountability steps or she leaves. If she won’t leave, you stop paying for the phone and car insurance. Take the keys. There are some good coaching accounts on insta that go over scripts and such.

If she respects any grandparent, coach or cousin etc, let them have a discussion with her.

What specialists diagnosed or treated her ADHD? Has she been in therapy since she was diagnosed? CBT is part of the standard treatment plan for kids with ADHD. Have you looked into an executive functioning coach? Did you set up any supports at her college with their office of accessibility?

It’s very common for people with untreated ADHD to self medicate with alcohol or drugs. The first step is get her help to stop drinking. Then she needs to remain in therapy and keep trying appropriate medications while she lives at home with you and learns how to function as an adult. Then you need to find a college program with supports for students with ADHD. She’s very capable, but she will need more help and support than other college students.

Three strikes of coming home drunk or uncivilized behavior would end this free tenancy.

You can create a document and add stipulations for her being an adult tenant at home. For free housing, food and phone, she has to pay with respecting owner's rules including being civil, cleaning up after herself, finding a job or enrolling in community college and seeing a therapist. If she can't, she is free to find another place where she can live and eat for free and be a rude slob.

Who’s giving her money for liquor? Who is giving her rides? Who is feeding her? Who is letting her shower? Who is buying her clothes and shoes? Who is passion for her phone? Who is providing Internet? Who is giving her a bed to sleep in? Who is giving her a ripoff over her head?

If the answer to any of these things is you then you foremost have a parenting problem.

Anonymous wrote:I mean nothing about failing at life indicated perfectionism to me.

Some people with perfectionism (+anxiety) freeze if they can’t do something “right”

I mean nothing about failing at life indicated perfectionism to me.

ADHD is one of those weird diagnoses where it sounds like they will solve all the problems but frequently labeling something makes it worse. She seems like she is very anxious and copes with it by being perfectionist and then drinking.

Are you paying for her phone? Take it away and give her a flip phone until she either:
—goes to rehab
—gets a full time job
—goes to CC full time

Anonymous wrote:She needs rehab. Stop paying for all extras for her.

+1
Stop enabling this behavior.

She needs rehab. Stop paying for all extras for her.

She goes to rehab or moves out. She gets 6 months to make significant changes or she is cut off financially.

19 year old DD is now at home acting complete different and wanting to do nothing after she failed her freshman year. DD got diagnosed with ADHD in 10th grade after her grades suddenly slipped significantly and she wasn’t getting her usual A’s. The rest of high school, we tried medication and some therapy for a while, but got her off the medication because she had some bad side effects. So, we mainly had to sit with her to make sure she did her homework, turned it in, and studied for tests which helped. End of senior year, we put DD back on another medication that we thought would help her do well this year, because now that she had to be away for college she needed to manage her school work in her own. We weren’t able to monitor her anymore. We didn’t have access to her grades, so all we knew was what she told us.

She had a great year socially and made many friends, but she has developed a drinking habit. DD came back home in May and started a part-time job for the summer, which has now concluded. She’s currently dating a guy she went to high school with and is a commuter to our local university and now that she is home and without a job, she spends most of the time over at his. DD wants a good future for herself but I’m not aware how she expects that to happen right now. DD doesn’t want to take her medication, refuses to get a new job, and she doesn’t want to do any community college classes to continue her education because she tends to be very perfectionist and was very upset about failing so she believes since she failed out it isn’t worth continuing because she wanted a full 4 year university education. When she is at home, she doesn’t cleans up after herself and does nothing but sleep in and be on her phone.

A lot of times DD comes home really drunk after being at her boyfriends, and she’s a mean drunk, so she gets super disrespectful and calls DH and I names. We have two other teenage DDs ages 17 and 13 and we are afraid she’s setting them a bad example by her behaving like this. We have no issue wi to her living with us as long as she is respectful and is working or in school but right now that isn’t happening so we are not sure where to begin or what to do. Any advice would be extremely helpful.