Anonymous wrote:You can teach your kids about intelligence disobedience.

https://irachaleffauthor.com/blink-think-make-your-choice-use-your-voice/

The three minute videoclip by Mike Powel is brilliant. Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy to me how much has changed since i was a teen 15 years ago! My kid isn’t school age yet but so glad I’m so much more aware.
Don’t plan to be super over protective but looking back, things I probably won’t -

- sleepovers (or host) till they’re way older, def not at 6-7 like I was doing. My sister did a “pretend” sleepover for her kid that’s that age for a birthday party which I thought was so cute, everyone got picked up at 10 and got to do all the fun things but it was properly supervised with many parents staying the whole time. And everyone slept in their own homes after!
- Going to be WAY more cautious with church camps and teen Christian ministries, knowing what I know now. I was so lucky nothing happened to me growing up but I did learn of things that happened to kids in my church groups as I became an adult. I definitely won’t let them go on any overnight trips without me until at least high school and even then I’m going to have very strict rules about leaders texting my kids, giving rides, interacting on social media. Ect. Basically will never let my kids be alone 1:1 with adults
- also generally going to have these conversations really young with my own kids about safety, body parts, ect

"Going to be WAY more cautious with church camps and teen Christian ministries, knowing what I know now. I was so lucky nothing happened to me growing up but I did learn of things that happened to kids in my church groups as I became an adult. I definitely won’t let them go on any overnight trips without me until at least high school"

HS is also a place Church pasters or youth ministers or priests prey on kids. It is extremely common. Anyone one sending a kid on a mission trip or HS trip with a church is a fool. It never was drag queens always was and is the church.

Anonymous wrote:The main point I have taken from the safesport era is that you can’t tell who a predator is.

The point is not to get better at identifying the predators. The point is for everyone who is not a predator to agree to do a bunch of things that are inconvenient or suboptimal to make it harder for predators to operate.

If I’m a coach, why do I make sure all my one on one interactions with athletes are observable and interruptible? It’s not because I might be a predator or to prove I’m not one. It’s because if we all do that and make not doing it unacceptable, then it’s not available as a tool for predators. Is it inconvenient and expensive to avoid sharing rooms and traveling alone? YES. But again, we do it to make it unavailable to the predators we already know are very hard to identify.

Very true, I agree.

Anonymous wrote:The ones who do it don't have any red flags. That's how they get away with it. Keep your eyes on your own kids.

This is a myth. We need to be educated to learn what the red flags are. And yes, constant vigilance is a must.

You teach safety measures to your children in whatever age appropriate way they’re ready for. Every child is different.

You want to avoid making your child scared of every man.

It’s crazy to me how much has changed since i was a teen 15 years ago! My kid isn’t school age yet but so glad I’m so much more aware.
Don’t plan to be super over protective but looking back, things I probably won’t -

- sleepovers (or host) till they’re way older, def not at 6-7 like I was doing. My sister did a “pretend” sleepover for her kid that’s that age for a birthday party which I thought was so cute, everyone got picked up at 10 and got to do all the fun things but it was properly supervised with many parents staying the whole time. And everyone slept in their own homes after!
- Going to be WAY more cautious with church camps and teen Christian ministries, knowing what I know now. I was so lucky nothing happened to me growing up but I did learn of things that happened to kids in my church groups as I became an adult. I definitely won’t let them go on any overnight trips without me until at least high school and even then I’m going to have very strict rules about leaders texting my kids, giving rides, interacting on social media. Ect. Basically will never let my kids be alone 1:1 with adults
- also generally going to have these conversations really young with my own kids about safety, body parts, ect

I was victimized as a child. I was also severely neglected in my family of origin. In retrospect my sister and I realize that we were targeted because the predator knew that my family was too disorganized and chaotic to realize that we were being abused. Afterwards we would be withdrawn and my parents didn’t notice. It was a music teacher and I remember doing things like wearing corduroys and long sleeved shirts in summer hoping that if he couldn’t see my body he wouldn’t attack me and use me. - normal mother would notice her kid insisting on wearing winter clothes in August and ask what was going on. The best way to keep your kids safe is a loving family who truly sees and pays attention to your children, their moods and behavior.

Wanting to spend time alone, even if it is a special outing like a ball game or a movie or a concert. Special events do not have to be 1:1, and anyone pushing for 1:1 (especially sleepovers or trips) is to be questioned and vetted.

Agree with the above.

It is also about making your vigilance very clear and communicating to schools and camps your expectations around this. When we did private school interviews, I asked proactively about hiring practices, background checks, allowed and not allowed touch, SA response policy, bathroom privacy and more. I’m sure it cost us some admissions slots, but I wanted to know which schools were dismissive or uncomfortable with the topic and which have clear culture and rules they can articulate. That tells me their teachers are watching each other and are safe to report each other.

I also try to limit opportunity. In our community there are overnight school trips and dropoff sports activities from a very young age. We don’t do overnight trips when young. I sometimes show up part way through practice or stay for practice to make clear I’m eyes on. I try to form good parent networks so if something concerns me, I have other parents to swap experiences with.

And I take any sort of undesired touching seriously. My child dealt with another child trying to storm into the bathroom stall with her when she was going. I notified the school, they promised my daughter she deserved privacy, and implemented new policies. Overreacting? Maybe. But I wanted her to know any violation of body privacy will be believed and responded to. And I wanted school to know I will believe her and expect them to respond.

And finally, it’s giving your child the language and courage to tell you from an early age. My daughter sometimes “over-reports” - this kid bumped into me on the playground and I get to say no don’t touch my body! We have also talked about uncomfortable subjects like adults showing you photos of private parts or asking you to touch their parts - so she understands the full range of what’s a no.

Anonymous wrote:The main point I have taken from the safesport era is that you can’t tell who a predator is.

The point is not to get better at identifying the predators. The point is for everyone who is not a predator to agree to do a bunch of things that are inconvenient or suboptimal to make it harder for predators to operate.

If I’m a coach, why do I make sure all my one on one interactions with athletes are observable and interruptible? It’s not because I might be a predator or to prove I’m not one. It’s because if we all do that and make not doing it unacceptable, then it’s not available as a tool for predators. Is it inconvenient and expensive to avoid sharing rooms and traveling alone? YES. But again, we do it to make it unavailable to the predators we already know are very hard to identify.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

The main point I have taken from the safesport era is that you can’t tell who a predator is.

The point is not to get better at identifying the predators. The point is for everyone who is not a predator to agree to do a bunch of things that are inconvenient or suboptimal to make it harder for predators to operate.

If I’m a coach, why do I make sure all my one on one interactions with athletes are observable and interruptible? It’s not because I might be a predator or to prove I’m not one. It’s because if we all do that and make not doing it unacceptable, then it’s not available as a tool for predators. Is it inconvenient and expensive to avoid sharing rooms and traveling alone? YES. But again, we do it to make it unavailable to the predators we already know are very hard to identify.

The ones who do it don't have any red flags. That's how they get away with it. Keep your eyes on your own kids.

Anonymous wrote:You can teach your kids about intelligence disobedience.

https://irachaleffauthor.com/blink-think-make-your-choice-use-your-voice/

It’s also know as “Blink, Think, Choice, Voice" strategy from the book Intelligent Disobedience: Doing Right When What You're Told To Do Is Wrong.

https://youtu.be/RdKPIK71SP8?si=a3_4DgCkVQ-bFC57

You can teach your kids about intelligence disobedience.

https://irachaleffauthor.com/blink-think-make-your-choice-use-your-voice/

Anonymous wrote:
Great idea from another forum. Thank you! Please share any possible red flags and grooming tricks used by child predators. Grooming techniques are commonly used on parents and children, plus any other adults around.

Sometimes a predator will do something highly inappropriate to his own child in front of another potential victim child, just to make it appear perfectly normal.

I think sometimes children might freeze up, not knowing for sure how to respond. Depending on your own child, maybe it’s helpful to role model saying “Get away from me!”

I do know when a child doesn’t feel like giving anyone (like a visiting relative) a hug, it’s important to always support that decision no matter the situation.

When children are play fighting and one says “stop!”, I always make sure that demand is instantly obeyed. Absolutely no reasons are expected. No means no. Period.

Our children deserve basic safety. It’s not really their job to fend for themselves. It’s our job to stay vigilant. No classroom, daycare, play date, sport, sleepover, trip, or drive is worth risking our child’s basic safety. If you don’t feel 110% confident in accessing someone, always ask around before you ever entrust them to be responsible for your child.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a teacher, coach, tutor, neighbor, relative, friend’s parent, sitter, minister, priest, rabbi or party entertainer. No one should get alone time or easy access opportunities with your child without your careful, continued scrutiny.

Read the book Protect The Gift: Keeping Children and Teens Safe (And Parents Sane)
It’s got everything you need to know

Great idea from another forum. Thank you! Please share any possible red flags and grooming tricks used by child predators. Grooming techniques are commonly used on parents and children, plus any other adults around.

Sometimes a predator will do something highly inappropriate to his own child in front of another potential victim child, just to make it appear perfectly normal.

I think sometimes children might freeze up, not knowing for sure how to respond. Depending on your own child, maybe it’s helpful to role model saying “Get away from me!”

I do know when a child doesn’t feel like giving anyone (like a visiting relative) a hug, it’s important to always support that decision no matter the situation.

When children are play fighting and one says “stop!”, I always make sure that demand is instantly obeyed. Absolutely no reasons are expected. No means no. Period.

Our children deserve basic safety. It’s not really their job to fend for themselves. It’s our job to stay vigilant. No classroom, daycare, play date, sport, sleepover, trip, or drive is worth risking our child’s basic safety. If you don’t feel 110% confident in accessing someone, always ask around before you ever entrust them to be responsible for your child.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a teacher, coach, tutor, neighbor, relative, friend’s parent, sitter, minister, priest, rabbi or party entertainer. No one should get alone time or easy access opportunities with your child without your careful, continued scrutiny.