Sounds like the husband is part of the problem. Maybe help make his life easier so that he stops complaining to her.

First of all, I debate the timing you mentioned. Don’t MOST residencies begin July 1st? So, she’s really only been a resident for 5 weeks. Next, salary for residency have always been low. They are a student and moaning that NPs and PAs make more is not comparable. My DS was a resident during Covid so tell her life could clearly be worse. She seems to have a lot of issues (complaints) for someone so new to the process. Has she always been this dramatic? Not everyone is cut out to be in the hospital setting.

Part of the issue is med school is so much easier now so people aren’t prepared for how hard residency can be. I just finished IM residency. It sucks. But not finishing sucks more. Wake up every morning and just focus on getting through the day and eventually it ends.

Getting through just pgy1 is huge— it wld be reqd for orher specialties anyhow (derm, psych, rad)

Getting through residency doesn’t necessarily mean you have to do clinical work forever.

Thinking shorter term may help her?

Also, doing non-hospital things on limited days off— i remember being so tired that i didn’t wanna do anything, but always feeling worse when i just slept through off days.

Hiring a cleaner/sending premade meals may also help— home appetite in philly/wilmington got me through fellowship!

What's her med school loan situation? If she owes a lot, she's kind of stuck and teacher is not a realistic option.

I'm kind of laughing at the idea that she wants to be a teacher, which is just as crappy for less money. Her grievances are completely legit, but this isn't your fight. And I completely understand her not wanting to waste any of her precious free time on therapy. Therapy might help her sort out some of her feelings but it's not going to make her difficult job easier or make her fiance help around the house.

In terms of actual things you can do to help her, the only thing I think is helping her with life stuff if you guys live in the same city. Like, literally helping her with laundry and food and stuff. Or if you're not in the same city, money or gift cards to help with that type of stuff, so that at least she can relax when she has some downtime. When you say the fiance is not supportive, I don't know if you mean he is lazy or just doesn't like hearing the complaining or what. I can't tell if he's a jerk or just oblivious.

You, uuuhhh, I mean your sister needs a therapist.
A THERAPIST, NOT DCUM.
Talk to a person whose job is to help people sort these things out.

She’s right that her current job is terrible. I wanted to quit all the time during my intern year. The good news is that residency (and especially intern year) have almost no relation to the daily work of most practicing physicians.

If she asks for your advice, I’d tell her two things:1) to get treatment for depression if she’s depressed (I really may have quit if it hadn’t gotten on Lexapro) and 2) one foot in front of the other, this too shall pass.

As a physician, married to a physician and have 1 in residency and 1 in medical school -- not sure anything you can say or do will help.

I mean her feelings are valid and 99% of residents have the same feelings. I started in pathology and switched to internal medicine which means I ended up in a midwestern county hospital doing 80+ hrs a week while pregnant. My DH at the time (divorced-- not a shocker) wasn't supportive either. Not in medicine so didn't get it. People always think the grass is greener so telling her to switch to derm (ha!) or something "easier" is really dismissing what she is telling you.

I stuck with it and finished up divorced with two little ones. Then I failed my boards the first time and couldn't get a job. It was all terrible BUT made it through with a lot of support from my family. Not telling me what I should do but the quiet support and listening.

I did pass my boards the second time around and bounced around a bit. I loved being a hospitalist which you can do as an internist (and walk out at the end of the day without follow up). I got remarried. Had more kids and now work in private practice. I love it. Sure insurance sucks and the med field has changed especially since COVID but I love my patients. These are hard days and are meant to be this way. Give her some time and love.

Are you her sibling or parent? Weird ps. Anyway. I know you don't want to hear it but maybe medicine isn't right for her, maybe she needs time off to grow up a little. Sounds like she's been pampered a bit and this is her first does of the real world. Maybe part of the problem is you and her parents etc have always fixed things for her.

Attending here; residency is hard, there's no 2 ways about it. Honestly I couldn't imagine trying to achieve that inside a "normal" (ie non-medical) marriage; when DH and I couples matched we were both residents for the next 4 years so it was unspoken that we both worked the same terrible schedule and "got it". That's probably the biggest thing that jumped out from your post...is she supported at home? Does her H understand how much she's going to need for the next 3 years? I hate to say this but if he suffers from the myopia of most men and thinks he does 50% when he's actually doing 20....they may be doomed. She won't be able to do it all.

Wow. Sorry to hear that OP. My kid just started residency too so I understand how touch it can be. It sounds like she is worrying about "everything" at this point. If my kid asked for my advice, I'd probably tell them to "shrink your universe" meaning worry about things you have control and can do something about it and don't worry about things out of your control. I wonder if your sister is in the same hospital as my kid. Good luck.

She needs to get out Op!
Sounds like an awful life, let her decide
Gosh, tell her you will support whatever she needs.
Got a job at a private school; go from there!

OP here:

Also, "your sister is not cut out for medicine" is not needed or appreciated. I just can't tell if this is a passing fancy, or growing pains/adjustment. Aside from a year of research between college and med school, it is her first job.

Hello. Please help!

I am not a doctor. I have a basic understanding of the medical field – it's structure, specialties, comp structure, how private equity is taking over hospital systems... and how it is increasingly treated as a service industry by patients/"clients", as well as the Gen Z evolution in culture (i.e. job vs. vocation).

My sister, who I will shamelessly describe as brilliant and an all-around amazing person, is a first-year medical resident at a university hospital in a large city in or between Washington and Boston.

She is 3 months in to her internal medicine residency and hates her job. She desperately wants to quit to become a high school teacher. (Context: she went to a "big three" NWDC private and I think that may be distorting her perspective of what being a high school teacher is; I myself went to a non-W MCPS public. Very different experiences).

For the physicians out here, how would you approach this? It's a confluence of:

1. Why am I working 80 hours a week for 60k a year??? (Inability to see long-term, which suggests to me, fatigue and burnout, and distancing from original mission to provide care);
2. Fear regarding making life-altering decisions and fear of liability;
3. Frustration with her patient population (a fellow resident was punched by someone who was overdosing, two weeks into her residency);
4. Anger at the state of the medical profession and how little control physicians have within large hospital systems, as well as the loss of respect for MDs with the rise of the NP/PA model;
5. Frustration that the hospital she works effectively doubles as a homeless shelter for the unhoused in her city, which, in her eyes, leads to needless testing and lab work, as well as ICU beds taken up by patients "without need" ("people come in pretending to have a headache so we end up running $10k+ of labs and a CT, when the next day they request to be discharged and confess they really just needed a place to sleep");
6. Some amount of pressure from her fiancé, whose mother was a stay-at-home mom and never worked (had kids young), so he projects a much more laissez-faire attitude towards the need to be an independent and professional woman, which was always very highly emphasized in my own home;
7. Exhaustion;
8. Refusal to see a therapist because her friends and family should be there for her. Well... we're not a medical family and have little context to provide on that score. And, obviously, we do not have the objectivity that a therapist would have; and
9. Refusal to explore rematching to an "easier" specialty (e.g. derm) because "that's not real medicine".

How would you go about addressing this as a brother or loved one? I've heard and held, but at this point, I'd like to help in some capacity. "It gets better" is not going to cut it, I don't think. Specifically asking from parents or siblings who have had a close or loved one in a similarly stressful position, or physicians themselves.

P.S. Yes – DCUrbanMom does indeed now have the adult children of original DCUrbanMoms posting on this site. Talk about coming full circle!