Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been in a serious relationship with a dismissive avoidant can you describe what it was like? Anyone married to one?

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Seriously, learn to be more laid back and chill sista! You will create problems by trying to make everything a big deal.

To be fair, the majority of people these days are at least immoral aholes, probably sociopathic narcissists believing they are the main character in the lives of all who meet them.

Anonymous wrote:Love-bombing came first. Once he got all this out of his system, he got busier and busier pulling away slowly.
Came and went when he felt like it. Sex was still good though. He simply sends photos of how busy he is like driving to work and back. I kid you not.
He also dumps his friends any time there is an argument or anything negative was said. Very sad.
I told him to go away forever many times. He has no respect for my boundaries. Like a kid who forgets that he got in trouble.
Blocked him for months and really thought we were done with this back and forth. Nope. Texted me again 7 months after I last saw him. He simply comes back when he is ready again.
Unfortunately for myself and him, I cannot go back to being friends with benefits. This running away he did, without saying a word, is still on my mind.
Luckily, he has a hot friend. I got his friend a job and he owes me big time.
Blocking him and going after his friend. I like a challenge.

You sound so passive — without any agency at all. Boundaries aren’t something other people need to accept. Boundaries are something you follow. Like when you blocked him, that was you setting a boundary. When you unblocked him and worse apparently ended up with him knowing you didn’t want to be there - that’s you not setting the boundary.

Like PP said, at first there was love bombing and he was great. He planned amazing dates and made me feel special.

Then he started doing and saying things to push me away. He’d start talking about other women, when I’d come over to spend time with him he’d retreat to the garage, I found him back on dating apps, etc.

I’d break things off and he’d come back begging for another chance, promising he’d change. He actually did therapy for the entire duration of our relationship, which just gave him a bunch of buzzwords to use to manipulate me, like using “you’re making me feel shame” as a get out of jail free card.

After about 4 years I finally realized his ideal relationship with a woman is via screens/text. I discovered he had been texting/sexting ex-girlfriends and random women on social media. His relationships with his kids, family, and friends are the same - he just wants to text, send memes, occasionally talk on the phone, and only deal with seeing them in person once or twice a year.

It’s really sad to see how it impacted his kids. They’re teens/early 20s and worship him, because if they complain or try to hold him accountable (he left when they were very young), he withdraws and stops speaking to them.

More important is to realize why YOU are attracted to this dynamic. I could not for the life of me figure out why I tolerated this for so long - any reasonable person would dump someone like that. So why didn’t I? I had to figure out my own attachment style (anxious) and work through how I was re-creating the same dynamic I had with my avoidant parents. Focus on yourself, not the other person.

I have a close, not romantic, friend who displays some of these behaviors. I know enough about their childhood trauma that I understand some of the root of it. And I have pretty concrete evidence that I'm one of the handful of people they deeply trust, care for, and go out of their way for. They have a lot of excellent qualities, and they are an important part of my life based on shared experiences.

All of that being said, I would not want to be involved with someone like this romantically...definitely not married to them. Their spouse puts up with a lot that I for sure could not. Their behavior can seem callous and also manipulative.

I've decided to maintain the friendship at some level, but I have limited expectations. I hope that my friend eventually finds a way to be more openly vulnerable with more people...but I doubt it.

Yes, I recommend dumping/divorcing. They won’t change.

Anonymous wrote:Everybody is a mental health expert now and everybody's partner is a psychopath. Where do your skills go when you are picking partners?

They pick us. Every single one had chosen me and taken months to wear me down. Some where not even my choice. I had them or being homeless.

Love-bombing came first. Once he got all this out of his system, he got busier and busier pulling away slowly.
Came and went when he felt like it. Sex was still good though. He simply sends photos of how busy he is like driving to work and back. I kid you not.
He also dumps his friends any time there is an argument or anything negative was said. Very sad.
I told him to go away forever many times. He has no respect for my boundaries. Like a kid who forgets that he got in trouble.
Blocked him for months and really thought we were done with this back and forth. Nope. Texted me again 7 months after I last saw him. He simply comes back when he is ready again.
Unfortunately for myself and him, I cannot go back to being friends with benefits. This running away he did, without saying a word, is still on my mind.
Luckily, he has a hot friend. I got his friend a job and he owes me big time.
Blocking him and going after his friend. I like a challenge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been in a serious relationship with a dismissive avoidant can you describe what it was like? Anyone married to one?

Unless you are a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, please refrain from diagnosing and labeling your partner. Give examples in your post so people can understand what's going on.

+1

Everybody is a mental health expert now and everybody's partner is a psychopath. Where do your skills go when you are picking partners?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been in a serious relationship with a dismissive avoidant can you describe what it was like? Anyone married to one?

Unless you are a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, please refrain from diagnosing and labeling your partner. Give examples in your post so people can understand what's going on.

This.
Are you sure you just aren't wanting attention or being overly needy OP? Just something to consider.

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been in a serious relationship with a dismissive avoidant can you describe what it was like? Anyone married to one?

Unless you are a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, please refrain from diagnosing and labeling your partner. Give examples in your post so people can understand what's going on.

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been in a serious relationship with a dismissive avoidant can you describe what it was like? Anyone married to one?

Example?

I mean, I don't know that it was serious because as soon as it got serious he pulled away. When it was just me coming over one night a week and having sex, he was romantic, lit candles, had champagne, told me I was out of his league...it was a few months of this and then the second I got attached and stopped seeing other guys and spending more time with him he dumped me out of the blue lol.

If you’ve been in a serious relationship with a dismissive avoidant can you describe what it was like? Anyone married to one?