My dh is like this. It's adhd. He also has rsd, so either he thinks I'm a nag, or I'm doing it myself. It's so frustrating. Is he open to having a conversation about it?

How did you not notice long ago that he is like that? Would have driven me crazy.
Now figure why or how to fix it. I wouldn't bother even. Easier to do those things on my own under a minute.

Hire a ADHD Coach or therapist.

A practical strategy would be to give him a domain, and give him time to own and perfect it. Communicate with him on ways that will support whatever internal system he that developed to remember. If it’s laundry, then it’s possible he will want color coded baskets to sort. He’ll need a designated day or timer set.

Be patient and trust the process. Get therapy for yourself to learn how to manage and better communicate.

Look, I have ADHD (I’m a woman) and I have worked on myself to figure out how to finish things that I start, I’ve worked on myself to find ways to remember things I used to forget (mantras, songs, notes, reminders). I was a mess in my teens and my 20s (dh and I met in college and married young) and dh is type A and on top of everything. I’m a lot better now, but it’s harder for me to do these things than my non adhd friends.

What gets me about these “your spouse has adhd” posts is that yes we can forget a lot of things and get distracted before finishing things but that we *can* change. It’s not a “well it’s who I am so accept me” it’s “okay, I am not fulfilling my role as equal partner so I have to work harder to be more organized, I have to work harder to get things done.” Some things come easily to me and harder to other people, this is something I have been struggling with and working on for decades.

What makes me mad is that these spouses aren’t trying to change. Is it because they don’t love you? Is it because they don’t care? Is it because you’re just doing it for them (fixing) so they don’t realize they’re doing it badly?

How do discussions go about this? Does he even know that when be does step 1 you have to do 2-4 to get it done? What’s the thing you need him to do the most right now? Let’s say it’s the trash. Tell him: babe, I need you to take the trash out to the outdoor cans AND replace the bags every single time. Doing just the one thing means I’m doing the rest. Please finish the task. Then when he gets good at trash you work on another thing.

It’s not fair on anyone in the house if you all just let it go like this. He IS capable. ADHD or not. He can work on this.

No your expectations are not too high OP > your husband IS most definitely putting in very minimal effort which basically equates to him not carrying around his weight.

And this is inherently wrong of him since the added stress of him not adequately contributing to the household (as well as child!) is making your life much much harder.

Have you talked to him about how bad he does all the things that you mentioned??
You may have to invest some time showing him the proper way to do things but if he learns + improves it will all be well worth the effort.

If these measures do not work then I would advise you both to seek out the services of a great marriage counselor.

Hopefully things will not get that far.
Good luck

ADD for sure.

Do you own laundry! I would never have my husband do my laundry. Otherwise - sympathies. My DH is on top of everything. I couldn’t tolerate a lazy DH.

He sounds like a loser. I would consider divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Not all men are like this. You got a lemon. Sorry. Does he at least have a high paying job? Don’t have any more kids with him. Tell him to get a vasectomy.

You do your laundry and the kids laundry and the sheets. Let him do his own and the towels. It’s hard to screw up towels.

Hire as much help as you can.

NP. My DH only does his laundry now. He messed up the towels bc lazy.

But he only every 6 weeks or so when he has absolutely zero underwear left (he never packs more than a few pairs for trips so he has a sampling from Uniqlos and Zaras from every continent but Africa and Antarctica). It’s always a Sunday and he’ll get mad if he can’t do 7 loads in a row. And he insists on air drying everything but never quite puts it away, so it’s a jungle of air drying clothes on racks and on hangers on doorframes. And then we start the workweek pawing our way through his damp clothing which he doesn’t do anything with until Saturday. Then he piles it on the dryer in anticipation of fluffing it, which never actually happens, so he just gets dressed adjacent to the dryer for the remaining 5 weeks.

Not all men are like this. You got a lemon. Sorry. Does he at least have a high paying job? Don’t have any more kids with him. Tell him to get a vasectomy.

You do your laundry and the kids laundry and the sheets. Let him do his own and the towels. It’s hard to screw up towels.

Hire as much help as you can.

He has ADHD

Does he have ADHD or some other executive function issue? It definitely sounds like it.

Well, if you want to know where your underwear is, might I suggest you do your own laundry.

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again. Divorce is the only option.

This is OP. Are you being sarcastic? We have 2 very young children. When I think about divorce I feel very guilty for blowing up their life.

Here we go again. Divorce is the only option.

Does anyone else have a spouse who seems to do the bare minimum or half ass everything? I’m incredibly stressed out with him and finding it difficult to be attracted to him.

Example:

He'll do a load of laundry but forgets about it for days. If he does manage to toss it in the dryer, it often comes out still damp, which means I end up rewashing it anyway.

Putting away the laundry? Great idea! But where are all my underwear? Oh, they’re in the toddler’s drawer, and the kids’ clothes are mixed in with the bathroom towels.

He can load the dishwasher to the brim but never actually starts it. I genuinely don't get this one! Is he too lazy to add the detergent?

When he offers to put away leftovers, I end up with food on a plate without a cover just sitting in the fridge.

He’ll take out the trash but never replaces the bag.

And those trash bags? They sit on our back porch until pickup day.

He might offer to cook dinner but ends up absolutely destroying the kitchen in the process, leaving me to cleanup.

He volunteers to pick up groceries but forgets important items (even with reminders, texts, and lists).

He neglects the dog’s water bowl and food dish. If it weren’t for me they would have died from dehydration by now. He thinks it’s ok to never wash their dishes.

I don’t mind restocking the diaper bag, but he will leave wet clothes, dirty diapers, dirty bottles in there (for me to find).

Gives our toddler a bath but doesn’t wash soap out properly or brush her hair.

These are just a few. There are many more examples.

Is there any hope for him and us? Are my expectations too high? Do you think therapy would help us?