Anonymous wrote:My DH is currently spiraling now. It’s bad. I know he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He’s emotionally abusive to me, angry all the time, and absent as much as he can be. Meanwhile, I’m trying to keep the kids, house and my own work going. It’s depressing.

How old are you guys? Was it always a little like this and it just got worse, or was it a complete 180 change?

Anonymous wrote:That is the age where the mismatch in sexual desire really shows up. Many women are either bored or “over it” while the guys are still horny teenagers (mentally, not always physically).

I think this is actually a big misconception. It definitely happens, but the reverse can be true too. I want sex way more than my DH and I’m way more adventurous, high energy, and generally into it. When we do have sex, he is so passive now. I think he would be happy having sex with a female robot once or twice a month. It wasn’t always like this. He used to be much higher drive, initiate, take charge, and just have a lot more sexual energy. It’s crossed my mind that this is a symptom of andropause, the way that for some women lack of drive is part of menopause.

It is real!! Everyone ages.

My DH is currently spiraling now. It’s bad. I know he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He’s emotionally abusive to me, angry all the time, and absent as much as he can be. Meanwhile, I’m trying to keep the kids, house and my own work going. It’s depressing.

No, not a thing.

Men “losing their minds” because they don’t want a house, wife, kids or job is just selfish weak character.

They need to stop their spiraling BS, be grateful for what they have, make some shorter and longer healthy goals and then set out and accomplish them.

That is the age where the mismatch in sexual desire really shows up. Many women are either bored or “over it” while the guys are still horny teenagers (mentally, not always physically).

Anonymous wrote:I have not experienced this in my circle of friends and family, and have not been hearing of it in other circles.

Same. I mean sure there have been guys who have acted like it but it's few and far between.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not experienced this in my circle of friends and family, and have not been hearing of it in other circles.

+1

I know of one man like this.

I think a lot of times it’s there, but the changes are small, especially those that are visible to someone on the outside. You don’t have to have a complete breakdown or mid life crisis to experience it.

Anonymous wrote:I have not experienced this in my circle of friends and family, and have not been hearing of it in other circles.

+1

I know of one man like this.

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

Yes, I think there’s something to this. My DH has changed in many ways over the years, and not for the better. There were probably glimmers of it in his early/mid 40s, it became more obvious in his late 40s, and has gotten worse from there. No affair or substance abuse, but just bad decisions for which he’ll take no responsibility or even see, a profound self-centeredness and lack of empathy, a loss of social/interpersonal skills, impatience and moodiness, etc. He was not always like this.

I do think for women that when things seem off, we look inward, blame ourselves, and seek help. It’s not hard to come up with information on menopause, peri, or resources to look to for help with whatever it is. We are more likely to address our mental health, men see doing this as a weakness or are too proud to even acknowledge it. Men do not have the support or level of introspectiveness women have, and my DH instead blames everyone/everything else when he is unhappy.

My kids (middle/high school aged) have asked why I married him, one literally asked if I wished I’d married an old boyfriend instead. They have asked me to get divorced because sometimes DH is really, really difficult to be around. My DH isn’t the only one. My kids have friends who literally hate or never see their fathers (parents have gotten divorced) because the men are so far gone.

I don’t know what the future holds but for now I do the best I can. DH is absolutely not the man I married, or at least thought I was marrying. He is difficult, but it also makes me really sad. I miss my old best friend and instead feel like I’m appeasing a toddler all the time. We are in our 50s now.

I have not experienced this in my circle of friends and family, and have not been hearing of it in other circles.

Anonymous wrote:As a man I think it’s mostly psychological and it’s the man’s job to get over whatever it is rather than give in to it.

Interesting. Have you felt tempted to give in?

Curious what you observed if you looked over the edge of that cliff, so to speak. If so, is it a fatalistic feeling and tied to losing perspective on the long-term, like young adults doing risky things in their late teens and 20s? Or is it something like seeing a future that’s easier or a more alluring alternative to what your current life was?

As a man I think it’s mostly psychological and it’s the man’s job to get over whatever it is rather than give in to it.

My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.