Divorce.

I am a DV advocate. We NEVER promote couples counseling. There is already established power and control that he wants over you. That's not going to go away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

Thank you. This is contradictory to advice I received from an attorney consult that suggested not doing so would show an unwillingness to cooperate. Not hiring that attorney, I guess.

Do you have clearly documented evidence of abuse? In writing or recordings are best, but even written records near the time of the incidents is good. If you need to prove "cooperation," then you show that to any good counselor and the counselor recommends your abuser get individual counseling (with someone who is not a couple's counselor) before they will see you as a couple. Then if your abuser won't do that work - and unless he's really going to change there's NO reason he will do that work - he's the one "unwilling to cooperate."

Plus the evidence will be useful for court.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

+1

+2. Tried it with my abuser, thinking he'd done some work to change. Thankfully he outed himself as still mired in abusive patterns real fast and the counselor was too good at his job to let that continue.

Leave. I am a divorced man. I never abused my ex wife financially, physically emotionally or verbally. She got bored (her own words not mine). If someone can leave someone because they are bored the bar is clearly low.

You deserved much better. You have one life. Every year is precious. The older you get the hardee it will be to find genuine connection. So don't waist time.

A good counselor will tell you they won't do couples counseling when there is abuse present.

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

This. Don't give them ammo.

Time to end the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

Thank you. This is contradictory to advice I received from an attorney consult that suggested not doing so would show an unwillingness to cooperate. Not hiring that attorney, I guess.

I think it’s fine to be “unwilling to cooperate” with your abuser. I’m so sorry you’re going through it.

Why would you WANT to be sympathetic to someone who abused you?

Should you go to individual counseling to heal and make sure you have the self esteem to notice signs of an abuser and not give them any chances? Sure. But absolutely no couples counseling. Are you supposed to cooperate with being abused? No, no. you are not.

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

Thank you. This is contradictory to advice I received from an attorney consult that suggested not doing so would show an unwillingness to cooperate. Not hiring that attorney, I guess.

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

+1

Won't work.

Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

Part ways.

My DH thinks that if we go to couples counseling, I will move on from years of abuse (verbal, emotional and financial). I am finally brave enough to leave and also cannot imagine that couples counseling will magically cure whatever heartless impulse has driven him to treat me like this. It doesn’t feel like something that we have joint responsibility for and therefore cannot resolve jointly.

Am I being unempathetic or not trying hard enough? My judgement is really clouded but I don’t want to upend my children’s lives if I’m wrong and couples counseling could work.