I'm sorry that's the case for you. My family is toxic and dysfunctional. My therapist suggested I spend time with only the people I want to. That helped me drop the rope on organizing big family holiday events.

Two of my family members are personality disordered so there is a lot of gaslighting, projection (accusing me of what they do or have done), manipulation, and yelling/screaming when they can't control their emotions.

At some point, I had to accept that was the hand I was dealt. I've done therapy and have done writing (proven to help with your health).

Recently, I decided to go low contact with the toxic sibling and my whole life is better. I wasted way too much time trying to defend myself, understand the craziness, calm the person down, help with their "trauma" and so on.

I also read about Karpman's Triangle, and I decided to remove myself from that victim-rescuer-perpetrator dynamic.

I also decided I would not be passing this toxicity on to my children. I apologize when I mess up. I show up for their events and care about them. I listen to what they have to say. I ask permission before giving advice. I am there for them emotionally.

I’m not close with my immediate family of origin. I am very close with my aunt and uncle, and interestingly, this only started in my 40s after the death of my mom. I didn’t know them very well growing up. I have one sister that I have a “barely texting” relationship. My other sister and I talk rarely, but we can talk about important stuff and feelings sometimes. But, we don’t reach out to each other automatically when stuff happens. Like, I didn’t know her son was suicidal until months after it first happened.

My husband and I are very close and loving. We are very close with our 13 year old daughter. I guess who knows what it will be like when she is adult, but I would be very surprised if she was limited contact with us.

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s family is like that, all conversations between all family members are small talks, it’s exhausting being around them.

Same. They never really “show up” for him (or our kids). Once in a blue moon they may feign interest in attending something, but it never actually happens. Conversation is always small talk, topics are on their terms, and they seem to just go through the motions.

He claims he’s “not embarrassed” by their disinterest, but I’d imagine there is some hurt.

My husband’s family is like that, all conversations between all family members are small talks, it’s exhausting being around them.

I don't either.

My family is terrible.
My husband has no family.
We don't have children.

Well, what has worked for us is to have loving friends who became like family
It came naturally and while they're not really family, it's a nice feeling to feel loved and to have people to coun on (and vice versa).

Neither do I.
However, my own family (husband and our two kids) do.

All that matters.

Yes I don’t have a loving family but my own family (DH and two teens) is very different, we are very close. It can be done you just have to recognize the issues and what cause them and actively work to not continue the dysfunction. DH’s family is a lot closer and I also use their example to help me.

In my immediate family no one talks to each other. My mother who was a very complicated, mean person recently died. One of my sisters who lived closest to my mother took my mother to her lawyer and, well, you know the story. Fine upstanding Georgetown lady my sister is. 😉🤣 I have 6 siblings and 2 of them went in and cleaned up. I no longer feel any obligation to visit or communicate with my mother (she’s dead) and my siblings are all dead to me. It’s a great feeling to finally put them behind me. I have a fabulous husband and a few kids and that is my focus.
In my experience it all just fizzles out and there are no relationships to be had. Unfortunately, I think it’s more common than not. Sending you hopes for peace.

Anonymous wrote:My extended family is not close at all. All conversations are extremely surface level. No one expresses emotions or tried to spend time together. There is extreme distance.

I wondered how others with families who aren’t close cope? Have you been able to create a close nuclear family?

I've had to accept this is the way they are. My family goes further than that-there is manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting. I could have a healthy relationship with my dad and brother both of whom passed away. The women have been the issue (and I'm female). I had to create distance, and keep things superficial and low contact for survival.

I did create a close family of my own. My husband and I are cycle-breakers and we have a healthy marriage and are close to our kids. I have good friends, but am too overwhelmed to really be the friend I'd like to be. One of my kids has special needs and medical issues and my mother has aging needs which is complicated given our history. Between that, work and other demands as someone with introverted tendencies I do need alone time/down time to replenish. So I value my friendships and care deeply for my friends, but we don't have the type of closeness I had with friends growing up and in college, but I am still friends with some from growing up and college and they too are pulled in different directions so this may just be partly a middle age thing.

My extended family is not close at all. All conversations are extremely surface level. No one expresses emotions or tried to spend time together. There is extreme distance.

I wondered how others with families who aren’t close cope? Have you been able to create a close nuclear family?