Anonymous wrote:I expect kindness from my kid, but I'm not pushing my kid in academics and extracurriculars the way I was pushed. And she isn't hungry like I was, because she has more means and opportunities.
Basically I'm aiming for better mental health rather than achievement.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed many parents we know who are superstars in their fields have average/below average children. The kids are not motivated.

I wonder if they were born less intelligent or it is their upbringing.

We just spent the weekend with a family whose parents are some of the most intelligent kind people we know. Their kids are an absolute disaster in every way possible.

Oh come on. Hard to believe this is not a huge exaggeration. How old are their kids?

Fighting, screaming, whining, hitting, complaining, being disrespectful 75% of the time. The parents just tune out. It is like they just accepted this poor behavior and don’t know what to do with the children.

I’m surprised how such competent people can be such horrible parents.

They are overfunctioners and people pleasers. They probably don’t make their kids do a lot because they pride themselves on being able to do everything all of the time.

They also probably easily give in to requests by the group on vacation or wherever you are that throw off the kids schedules, so the kids are tired, hungry, etc.

There might also be an element, if the kids are also very bright, that the kids never act like their peers. So it’s hard for the parents to know when to let things go and when to intervene.

It isn’t just the family we were just with. We know parents who are very successful, put their kids in the best schools and their kids just don’t perform. They have no real interests. The parents complain about this.

Anonymous wrote:Do the kids have household chores like vacuuming, dusting, mopping? Did they ever learn to do yard work such as weeding and cutting grass? Do they change sheets and help make beds? Much is given to kids nowadays and they don’t realize what goes into common chores or functions. There’s no appreciation or gratitude because they are so far removed from any work.

No, their kids don’t do chores. I asked one of them to do something small and it caused a ton of drama. The kid never did it. In attempts to be anonymous, I will give a very simple type of example. “Could you please throw out your trash from the table?” It was something very basic I would ask my kids to do. I was not trying to discipline or be demanding but it turned out to be a big deal causing a lot of drama.

Do the kids have household chores like vacuuming, dusting, mopping? Did they ever learn to do yard work such as weeding and cutting grass? Do they change sheets and help make beds? Much is given to kids nowadays and they don’t realize what goes into common chores or functions. There’s no appreciation or gratitude because they are so far removed from any work.

The only peace was when the kids were on screens. They fought when trying to watch a movie though. At least one kid was upset about the selection of the movie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed many parents we know who are superstars in their fields have average/below average children. The kids are not motivated.

I wonder if they were born less intelligent or it is their upbringing.

We just spent the weekend with a family whose parents are some of the most intelligent kind people we know. Their kids are an absolute disaster in every way possible.

Oh come on. Hard to believe this is not a huge exaggeration. How old are their kids?

Fighting, screaming, whining, hitting, complaining, being disrespectful 75% of the time. The parents just tune out. It is like they just accepted this poor behavior and don’t know what to do with the children.

I’m surprised how such competent people can be such horrible parents.

Sometimes too much is given to a child and they don’t value it because they were never without anything. Rich people can afford toys and PlayStations, etc. They lose drive because their family has everything.

I was just born with a bunch of severe learning disabilities. I'm the only one in my family who didn't skip a grade, didn't graduate from college, and didn't get some sort of grad school degree, has never owned a home, etc.

It has nothing to do with motivation.

Mean reversion most likely.

I do think in specific instances, the success of parents can be demotivating or anxiety-inducing for kids. If your parent was at the top of their field and very celebrated, there may be a feeling that no matter how hard you work, you will always be overshadowed by their success.

Also some people who are successful at work may be terrible parents. There's not automatically overlap there. Bad parenting will produce subpar results most of the time. Occasionally you get a kid who is motivated to overcome their terrible parents, but usually it just produces mental health issues and results in negative relationship patterns they repeat in adulthood, and that will hold people back professionally and socially.

In terms of genetics, unless the successful parent has physical attributes that were major contibutors to their success (pro athlete), I don't think inheriting intelligence is as useful as people think, or that certain personality traits correlated with success are heritable in a straightforward way (traits like resilience, diligence, creativity, and ingenuity are likely a complex result of both genetic factors and nurture, so unlikely to be passed down to all or even any offspring unless you can recreate the experiential factors).

I expect kindness from my kid, but I'm not pushing my kid in academics and extracurriculars the way I was pushed. And she isn't hungry like I was, because she has more means and opportunities.
Basically I'm aiming for better mental health rather than achievement.

Anonymous wrote:Usually the parents spend more time on their careers than with the children.

This.
It's the kids whose parents are/were teachers/professors who tend to be in the brightest naturally in our circle. Not the $$$$ career folks. Their kids are ignored.

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed many parents we know who are superstars in their fields have average/below average children. The kids are not motivated.

I wonder if they were born less intelligent or it is their upbringing.

We just spent the weekend with a family whose parents are some of the most intelligent kind people we know. Their kids are an absolute disaster in every way possible.

Oh come on. Hard to believe this is not a huge exaggeration. How old are their kids?

Usually the parents spend more time on their careers than with the children.

I have noticed many parents we know who are superstars in their fields have average/below average children. The kids are not motivated.

I wonder if they were born less intelligent or it is their upbringing.

We just spent the weekend with a family whose parents are some of the most intelligent kind people we know. Their kids are an absolute disaster in every way possible.