Anonymous
07/20/2025 18:08
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are a really good person and just chiming in that we tried family therapy with our own DS around 14 and it was a disaster. But try it.
I’d get him involved with something, anything, positive. What are his interests? Any sports, theater, scouts, robotics…. I would quickly try to get him involved in the community in something asap.
Therapy, Family Therapy, making sure you have all the benefits he/you are entitled to but also this. Although I wasn't in your shoes, I did have a mentally ill teen. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't make greater efforts with his positive activities. I think that is an important piece.
I have a friend, much older than you and very well off. She and her husband elected to let her young cousin go into foster care. They didn't want to disrupt their ability to travel and general freedom of a child free lifestyle. I commend you and your spouse for not leaving BIL behind.
I’m the person you are quoting and I’m also not in OP’s shoes so I can’t relate. We had really bad years mental health wise with DS and some issues even with police and courts. We tried lots of therapy. I know it’s helpful for some.
He’s older now and looking back, I can see some of the most positive impacts and mentorship came in unexpected places, like a coach and team with an unexpected great bond during those middle school years. He was a kid who loved sports. That wasn’t the goal when we signed him up for the team but it ended up being better than the counseling we were also in at the time. He really just needed to be in a positive place back then and a super structured environment, which he got on that team.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 18:07
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
This is PP from 12:47 again. Other posters have raised great points about making sure to find out what resources are available to your family so you can use anything you're eligible for that will help.
Depending on exactly how you ended up with guardianship, resources available may vary. If this was a placement through foster care, you are likely involved in what is called something similar to "kinship care". Your brother in law should have a social worker you can talk to, who would be able to connect you with resources. Kinship guardians can often get some financial assistance from the department of social services to help with the costs of caring for the child. Many kids in kinship guardianship situations through foster care can qualify for various services including counseling services & potentially medicaid health insurance (quality can be mixed but it is a potential place to start).
If your brother in law was not involved with foster care but you ended up with guardianship through the family court system (such as if the parents asked you to petition for guardianship & the judge approved the guardianship arrangement) you might not have access to quite the same resources but there are still things that can help & your local social services department may be able to advise you on what resources would fit your situation.
One poster mentioned respite care, and while it can be a great thing to use if you're eligible & need it, I would urge you to be sensitive in how you approach it. If you frame it as "look where you could have ended up if not for us" I do worry that it would backfire and leave your brother in law feeling very insecure and like he might be thrown away at any moment. It might be a wakeup call to improve his behavior and feel some gratitude, or it might just make him feel worse and therefore act up worse. If it's just "a resource available to help our family out sometimes" that could be a better approach. If you guys are getting any sort of family counseling this may be the kind of thing to get some professional advice about.
Depending on exactly how you ended up with guardianship, resources available may vary. If this was a placement through foster care, you are likely involved in what is called something similar to "kinship care". Your brother in law should have a social worker you can talk to, who would be able to connect you with resources. Kinship guardians can often get some financial assistance from the department of social services to help with the costs of caring for the child. Many kids in kinship guardianship situations through foster care can qualify for various services including counseling services & potentially medicaid health insurance (quality can be mixed but it is a potential place to start).
If your brother in law was not involved with foster care but you ended up with guardianship through the family court system (such as if the parents asked you to petition for guardianship & the judge approved the guardianship arrangement) you might not have access to quite the same resources but there are still things that can help & your local social services department may be able to advise you on what resources would fit your situation.
One poster mentioned respite care, and while it can be a great thing to use if you're eligible & need it, I would urge you to be sensitive in how you approach it. If you frame it as "look where you could have ended up if not for us" I do worry that it would backfire and leave your brother in law feeling very insecure and like he might be thrown away at any moment. It might be a wakeup call to improve his behavior and feel some gratitude, or it might just make him feel worse and therefore act up worse. If it's just "a resource available to help our family out sometimes" that could be a better approach. If you guys are getting any sort of family counseling this may be the kind of thing to get some professional advice about.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 15:32
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
With some kids, not all, it helps them accept "house rules" if the same rules apply to everyone. (Contrived Examples: no one can smoke tobacco. Everyone is in bed by 9:30pm on a school/work night.)
Anonymous
07/20/2025 15:28
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
Anonymous wrote:You are a really good person and just chiming in that we tried family therapy with our own DS around 14 and it was a disaster. But try it.
I’d get him involved with something, anything, positive. What are his interests? Any sports, theater, scouts, robotics…. I would quickly try to get him involved in the community in something asap.
Therapy, Family Therapy, making sure you have all the benefits he/you are entitled to but also this. Although I wasn't in your shoes, I did have a mentally ill teen. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't make greater efforts with his positive activities. I think that is an important piece.
I have a friend, much older than you and very well off. She and her husband elected to let her young cousin go into foster care. They didn't want to disrupt their ability to travel and general freedom of a child free lifestyle. I commend you and your spouse for not leaving BIL behind.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 13:44
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
Find out if you are entitled to any benefits for him and for you to help out. Food stamps or anything like that.
Also I know that foster parents can get respite care sometimes. If you can get it and he can go spend a few days with a foster family that should help him understand how lucky he is.
Also I know that foster parents can get respite care sometimes. If you can get it and he can go spend a few days with a foster family that should help him understand how lucky he is.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 13:39
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
You are a really good person and just chiming in that we tried family therapy with our own DS around 14 and it was a disaster. But try it.
I’d get him involved with something, anything, positive. What are his interests? Any sports, theater, scouts, robotics…. I would quickly try to get him involved in the community in something asap.
I’d get him involved with something, anything, positive. What are his interests? Any sports, theater, scouts, robotics…. I would quickly try to get him involved in the community in something asap.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 13:12
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
Anonymous wrote:OP, you guys are doing a great thing by being there for what your brother in law needs & taking care of this kid when nobody else can step up.
I relate to your situation, because I was the guardian of my much younger siblings for most of their childhood (from the time my brother was 8 & my sisters were 4 years old). I was 19 years old and going from "sister who takes care of the kids" to "these are basically my kids now" was... weird, at least for me & my brother. The twins adjusted easier because they were younger and I had been the main caregiver for the past 3.5 years at that point anyway.
Your brother in law is at a tough age in a tough situation. While he knows you care for him (you're the only ones who have stepped up, he sees this) he also likely feels (1) rejected by the parents & other adults besides his sibling & (2) insecure in what being under his brother & SIL guardianship means for his future.
Therapy for him & family therapy for the 3 of you would probably be ideal, if you can find and afford a good provider.
To the extent you can, try to understand and validate his feelings. This situation is weird & unfair & it stinks that he didn't get the family stability that is best for all kids.
BUT he's also old enough to have a constructive discussion about this stuff with your husband & you. Buddy, you got a raw deal. But you're my little brother and I promise I will always be here for you. I can't be your dad, my wife isn't trying to replace our mom, but you need adults to help look after you and be in your corner. We promise to do that. This is your home now. And because this is your home now, we all need to get on the same page about how to work together and live together.
Try to frame things as much as possible in a way that emphasizes collaboration and mutual trust.
I'm not at all saying to let a 12 year old run the house. (My siblings are college age & teens now and all 3 would agree I was fairly strict as a guardian most of the time... permissive parenting is not my thing). But this kid is probably feeling tossed around, disrespected, and like he has no control of anything in life. If you approach him as working together to create household rules, routines, and structure you'll build goodwill and trust with him.
For times when he just has to listen to you, it's a matter of health & safety and no responsible guardian would compromise: I would be very honest. I know you don't like our decision. At your age I probably wouldn't have liked it either. HOWEVER, I am committed to your health and safety. I promised when I became your guardian to take good care of you, and I love you enough to do my very best at that. [This rule] is about what is healthy/safe for you because [short explanation once]. It's not going to change unless something about the situation changes.
Then remain firm and move on
If he's acting like a brat or making foolish irresponsible choices, he's old enough for a blunt chat (might go best with just his brother, adolescent guys sometimes respond better to male authority figures) about how his behavior is impacting the household and why he is about to get whatever consequences you decide on if he does not shape up.
It'll probably be rough for a while, but as long as you guys stay communicative & loving, yet consistent & firm, he will probably settle in soon enough.
From the sidelines cheering you on for taking the time to write this out for OP and for your journey.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 13:07
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
Therapy for everyone. I assume social services is involved? You should use the resources available for kids that have been removed from their parent’s home.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 12:53
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
I just wanted to say that you are a good person. Good tidings to you for doing this.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 12:47
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
OP, you guys are doing a great thing by being there for what your brother in law needs & taking care of this kid when nobody else can step up.
I relate to your situation, because I was the guardian of my much younger siblings for most of their childhood (from the time my brother was 8 & my sisters were 4 years old). I was 19 years old and going from "sister who takes care of the kids" to "these are basically my kids now" was... weird, at least for me & my brother. The twins adjusted easier because they were younger and I had been the main caregiver for the past 3.5 years at that point anyway.
Your brother in law is at a tough age in a tough situation. While he knows you care for him (you're the only ones who have stepped up, he sees this) he also likely feels (1) rejected by the parents & other adults besides his sibling & (2) insecure in what being under his brother & SIL guardianship means for his future.
Therapy for him & family therapy for the 3 of you would probably be ideal, if you can find and afford a good provider.
To the extent you can, try to understand and validate his feelings. This situation is weird & unfair & it stinks that he didn't get the family stability that is best for all kids.
BUT he's also old enough to have a constructive discussion about this stuff with your husband & you. Buddy, you got a raw deal. But you're my little brother and I promise I will always be here for you. I can't be your dad, my wife isn't trying to replace our mom, but you need adults to help look after you and be in your corner. We promise to do that. This is your home now. And because this is your home now, we all need to get on the same page about how to work together and live together.
Try to frame things as much as possible in a way that emphasizes collaboration and mutual trust.
I'm not at all saying to let a 12 year old run the house. (My siblings are college age & teens now and all 3 would agree I was fairly strict as a guardian most of the time... permissive parenting is not my thing). But this kid is probably feeling tossed around, disrespected, and like he has no control of anything in life. If you approach him as working together to create household rules, routines, and structure you'll build goodwill and trust with him.
For times when he just has to listen to you, it's a matter of health & safety and no responsible guardian would compromise: I would be very honest. I know you don't like our decision. At your age I probably wouldn't have liked it either. HOWEVER, I am committed to your health and safety. I promised when I became your guardian to take good care of you, and I love you enough to do my very best at that. [This rule] is about what is healthy/safe for you because [short explanation once]. It's not going to change unless something about the situation changes.
Then remain firm and move on
If he's acting like a brat or making foolish irresponsible choices, he's old enough for a blunt chat (might go best with just his brother, adolescent guys sometimes respond better to male authority figures) about how his behavior is impacting the household and why he is about to get whatever consequences you decide on if he does not shape up.
It'll probably be rough for a while, but as long as you guys stay communicative & loving, yet consistent & firm, he will probably settle in soon enough.
I relate to your situation, because I was the guardian of my much younger siblings for most of their childhood (from the time my brother was 8 & my sisters were 4 years old). I was 19 years old and going from "sister who takes care of the kids" to "these are basically my kids now" was... weird, at least for me & my brother. The twins adjusted easier because they were younger and I had been the main caregiver for the past 3.5 years at that point anyway.
Your brother in law is at a tough age in a tough situation. While he knows you care for him (you're the only ones who have stepped up, he sees this) he also likely feels (1) rejected by the parents & other adults besides his sibling & (2) insecure in what being under his brother & SIL guardianship means for his future.
Therapy for him & family therapy for the 3 of you would probably be ideal, if you can find and afford a good provider.
To the extent you can, try to understand and validate his feelings. This situation is weird & unfair & it stinks that he didn't get the family stability that is best for all kids.
BUT he's also old enough to have a constructive discussion about this stuff with your husband & you. Buddy, you got a raw deal. But you're my little brother and I promise I will always be here for you. I can't be your dad, my wife isn't trying to replace our mom, but you need adults to help look after you and be in your corner. We promise to do that. This is your home now. And because this is your home now, we all need to get on the same page about how to work together and live together.
Try to frame things as much as possible in a way that emphasizes collaboration and mutual trust.
I'm not at all saying to let a 12 year old run the house. (My siblings are college age & teens now and all 3 would agree I was fairly strict as a guardian most of the time... permissive parenting is not my thing). But this kid is probably feeling tossed around, disrespected, and like he has no control of anything in life. If you approach him as working together to create household rules, routines, and structure you'll build goodwill and trust with him.
For times when he just has to listen to you, it's a matter of health & safety and no responsible guardian would compromise: I would be very honest. I know you don't like our decision. At your age I probably wouldn't have liked it either. HOWEVER, I am committed to your health and safety. I promised when I became your guardian to take good care of you, and I love you enough to do my very best at that. [This rule] is about what is healthy/safe for you because [short explanation once]. It's not going to change unless something about the situation changes.
Then remain firm and move on
If he's acting like a brat or making foolish irresponsible choices, he's old enough for a blunt chat (might go best with just his brother, adolescent guys sometimes respond better to male authority figures) about how his behavior is impacting the household and why he is about to get whatever consequences you decide on if he does not shape up.
It'll probably be rough for a while, but as long as you guys stay communicative & loving, yet consistent & firm, he will probably settle in soon enough.
Anonymous
07/19/2025 19:58
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
Acknowlege you are not his parents, acknowledge how hard it must be for him, reinforce you love and want him here and that he needs to follow your rules and be consistent.
Anonymous
07/19/2025 19:54
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
You are in a tough situation.
Does he have friends? Does he have a room or dedicated private space in your home?
I would try a little bit of carrot and a little bit of stick.
For rewards, be sure you know what favors, treats, etc. are motivational. When he behaves well, remember to praise and say thanks and occasionally get him a treat or do something thoughtful.
For stick/punishment...usually this is around devices. I would recommend that you be careful about unlimited access to phones/gaming consoles/etc. You need him to have a good attention span and to do his schoolwork. It's hard to jump into the role of an engaged parent.
I suggest that you have a mandatory family meeting each week to plan out the week's schedule and talk about school.
Please try to get help from any free sources available to you. I would start with the counseling department at his school. Also e-mail his teachers and set up a line of communication with them. If they know the situation, they may be able to spot problems at school and let you know faster.
Does he have friends? Does he have a room or dedicated private space in your home?
I would try a little bit of carrot and a little bit of stick.
For rewards, be sure you know what favors, treats, etc. are motivational. When he behaves well, remember to praise and say thanks and occasionally get him a treat or do something thoughtful.
For stick/punishment...usually this is around devices. I would recommend that you be careful about unlimited access to phones/gaming consoles/etc. You need him to have a good attention span and to do his schoolwork. It's hard to jump into the role of an engaged parent.
I suggest that you have a mandatory family meeting each week to plan out the week's schedule and talk about school.
Please try to get help from any free sources available to you. I would start with the counseling department at his school. Also e-mail his teachers and set up a line of communication with them. If they know the situation, they may be able to spot problems at school and let you know faster.
Anonymous
07/19/2025 19:48
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
This is a big role to take on, thank you for helping him.
I would do therapy for him and then family therapy. I would also take parenting classes if you can. Given your situation whatever county you live in may provide free ones or resources.
It is going to be a learning curve for everyone. 12 year olds dont listen to their actual parents plenty of times. Make sure you pick your battles. Yes you can push back on issues of safety and welfare but there are probably other issues where its not worth it to fight. Deciding to listen to you or not is probably one of the only things he feels like he has control over right now.
I would do therapy for him and then family therapy. I would also take parenting classes if you can. Given your situation whatever county you live in may provide free ones or resources.
It is going to be a learning curve for everyone. 12 year olds dont listen to their actual parents plenty of times. Make sure you pick your battles. Yes you can push back on issues of safety and welfare but there are probably other issues where its not worth it to fight. Deciding to listen to you or not is probably one of the only things he feels like he has control over right now.
Anonymous
07/19/2025 19:35
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
Is he seeing a therapist?
Anonymous
07/19/2025 19:26
Subject: How to take care of younger brother in law?
I'm 22 do is 23 we've been married for a couple years dated in high-school. We have no kids of our own yet but we recently got custody of my 12 year old brother inlaw. His parents have been less than stellar people. He has no other family to take care of him other than us . It has been a change of pace for us being able to do whatever now moneys tighter which im not complaining. Where were having issues is he thinks he doesn't have to listen to us since we're not his parents. It's challenging navigating from sibling to parents role any ideas how to do this he's starting to get an attitude.