Anonymous wrote:OP here. Honestly most people try to pacify her, and have forever. I think that is a big part of the issue. But I get it, and it’s my instinct too. My husband (her brother) does push back sometimes and it’s 50/50 whether doing so makes her knock it off or go completely nuclear and run out crying.

We don’t live nearby and don’t see her often, just exhausting when we do.

I just want you to not fear confrontation. I feel like it sets me free - it allows me to stand up for myself and protect myself. Think of Miranda Priestly in Devil Wears Prada - she never raises her voice, just talk with ice in her veins. You don't need to yell and cause a scene to make an impact.

OP here. Honestly most people try to pacify her, and have forever. I think that is a big part of the issue. But I get it, and it’s my instinct too. My husband (her brother) does push back sometimes and it’s 50/50 whether doing so makes her knock it off or go completely nuclear and run out crying.

We don’t live nearby and don’t see her often, just exhausting when we do.

Anonymous wrote:The book "Walking on Eggshells" was helpful to me. She won't change, and she will never think she is in the wrong.

Your choices are to continue to be screamed at or reduce contact.

99% likelihood this is the case

Next time she starts yelling just stand up and leave. Bullies are usually big cowards when someone actually stands up to them.

Does she have a spouse and do they notice these crazy outbursts? I feel bad for your poor MIL who was screamed at over a SANDWICH! The SIL is nuts. Avoid at all costs. You can’t be the only one who feels this way.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone never told her to just shut the F up.

This!
She n Ed’s to be cussed out one good time!

Has anyone never told her to just shut the F up.

I assume this is DH’s sister?

I definitely wouldn’t go on any trips or overnights where she is present (too difficult to escape). I’d continue to attend normal family functions, steer clear of her, and leave if she becomes rude. If attending family events requires any travel, be sure to stay in a hotel so you can make your escape as needed. If that means visiting less often, so be it. Make sure any of the other extended family (MIL etc) know that they are welcome to visit you at your home ( if that is the case).

I would give SIL any thought at all otherwise. Not your problem. Just focus on how to maintain your own boundaries while (hopefully) maintaining decent family relationships with those you enjoy.

The rest of the family just needs to walk away when she starts yelling. Say "we seem to be upsetting you. We'll leave to give you an opportunity to calm down."

^^ All of the above. I would never tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone and certainly wouldn’t expose my children to someone who behaved like your SIL.

Tell your spouse that you will no longer be at any family events where SIL is present. You’re not subjecting yourself to her abusive outbursts any longer. If spouse defends her, then you have a different issue that you can come back and ask about.

The book "Walking on Eggshells" was helpful to me. She won't change, and she will never think she is in the wrong.

Your choices are to continue to be screamed at or reduce contact.

I would not ever be in the presence of someone who screams with any sort of regularity.

I would pack up and leave. And never vacation with her family again.

SIL almost seems to seek out conflict. Every little thing is a screaming match. And I really mean dumb things I would think most adults would see as not a huge deal. E.g., she blew up at MIL because MIL ordered the wrong sandwich, screamed at a whole room of people for not listening quickly enough when she wanted to take a family photo, flipped out because everyone wanted to stay in a theme park we were visiting to eat dinner rather than leave and come back after dinner, etc. I get so anxious around confrontation so I try to just hang back and avoid instigating, but I was on the receiving end today after not agreeing with her that another family member was out of line in telling her to stop yelling at everyone. I find the walking on eggshells around her to be so stressful. Part of it is that I grew up in an abusive home and hate the constant fear of upsetting someone.

Any advice? I don’t want to engage but also want to get through the family vacation without feeling like my nervous system is on fire.