Anonymous wrote:Are any of you first generation. I have this issue too but attribute it to how I grew up. Money was tight.

That’s where it comes for me. I grew up poor and now we make ~$760k. I still buy whatever is on sale at the grocery store that weekend. My wife constantly tells me to spend some money on myself but I really struggle with it.

I have a feeling you think spending is a character issue even though it's not, but that's hard to overcome and we have way lower income than you. I think of it as a values (as in what's important to me, not value like frugality) issue. What am I buying and do I value it? Like I'm getting time, memories, etc. on a trip, but I don't necessarily value luxury for luxury's sake. I might value it for calm or relaxation. Actually not sure I'll ever value luxury as such or just to be fancy, but I mean I will do something nicer than I grew up with if can name what it's buying me.

I'm very clear on my values and that helps me spend more. E.g., just booked a trip with more expensive tickets because the timing will "buy me" less stress. If I can spend money and the result is I'm less tired and therefore less likely to yell at my family, I will do it.

You seem to be applying higher values to your kids' shoes. Try it with your own stuff. Will business class buy you less back pain or more rest or something else you can name that will help you get something you value?

You have a scarcity mindset. If you stay like this, you'll end up dying with millions in the bank. That is fine for some people, but maybe there are ways to spend money that would actually increase your happiness, fulfillment, quality of life now.


Can you give yourself an amount per month or year that you can spend without any pain? Like, an extra $20,000 per year. You can spend it every year on whatever you want. If won't hurt you in any way.

What would you want?

Are any of you first generation. I have this issue too but attribute it to how I grew up. Money was tight.

Do YNAB and you'll see have money that it is ok to spend, because you know what is put aside for other things.

Hard to take people making 800k talking being frugal.

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this, too, OP. One thing that helped was to identify one or two 'luxury' things that I really, really loved, and to promise myself to spend on them. For me, number 1 is lie-flat/business class seats on long-haul flights. It feels wasteful at the time of purchase but I never regret it once I leave for the airport! Can you identify one or two things that would make a big difference in your happiness and commit to treating yourself to those going forward?

I also struggle with this. When you are used to saving and growing, it’s hard to let go. I also grew up without much and it is ingrained to have some financial anxiety. I try to remind myself that time is limited. Spending money when I’m old will not be nearly as enjoyable as it would be now.

Not being snarky, DH struggles with this too - making $800K and being outraged by spending $150 on sneakers is a psychological issue. Same with making “value judgments” when you read menu prices. I don’t even know what “value judgements” means in that context but it sounds like there’s a negative stigma you associate with spending $. Therapy can help. There’s probably a lot of scarcity “hangover” you’re carrying from your upbringing when you had less. Goal isn’t to go out and spend big, but reduce the guilt and shame when you do spend.

I struggle with this, too, OP. One thing that helped was to identify one or two 'luxury' things that I really, really loved, and to promise myself to spend on them. For me, number 1 is lie-flat/business class seats on long-haul flights. It feels wasteful at the time of purchase but I never regret it once I leave for the airport! Can you identify one or two things that would make a big difference in your happiness and commit to treating yourself to those going forward?

OP here. I agree it's some weird mental hangup. We rationally understand we can afford a lot more without jeopardizing security/the future.

But when I go to a fancy restaurant, I mentally still look at all the entree prices and make value judgements. We love to travel but I'm struggling to make the leap to nicer hotels and business class. I don't even like buying the teenagers $140 sneakers. I do it, because it's the kids and it's important to them, but I am outraged by it and would NEVER by myself $140 sneakers.

What is wrong with me? And yes I grew up working class. DH grew up more middle class and later upper middle class by HS, but his parents are also frugal.

I really do want to make the shift. But I am full of guilt over things I don't "need" that are "wasteful."

Healthy mind has no problem making the shift. The shift should have been gradual and started long ago. Can't fix your mental health. Fix it and the frugal will be gone.

You went from wealthy to wealthier. Congrats and good brag. You can spend what you want.

OP, we are pretty similar to you. Same age and similar bump in income. We splurge on small things like food, dinners out, and more recently some big trips. But overall we are still pretty frugal, still living in our small starter home and no debt. Savings, etc are in a good place. We recently decided to start living a bit larger, because we realized we don’t have much time left with our kids under our roof and also because life is short and that realization has been hitting us recently. And we’ve worked hard and do want to enjoy life some more. Admittedly I struggle with loosening up more than my spouse. But we are seriously considering a vacation home which has been our shared dream.

I do like Ramit Sethi’s advice as someone shared above

This article had some good advice about taking time to think about what things meant a lot to you/brought you happiness, and concentrating your "fun" spending on those things, and keeping the reins on spending on other things.

https://defector.com/i-have-found-a-personal-finance-influencer-who-isnt-as-bad-as-personal-finance-influencer-sounds?giftLink=1a3784ada7fd96e36ab6397ee80a147b

"I think the most surprising part is the cornerstone of Sethi's philosophy, which is his idea of a “rich life.” Sethi encourages people to consider what being “rich” means to them, in specific detail, because it turns out a rich life looks different for everyone.

It might be taking a luxury vacation once a year, or tipping 25 percent at every restaurant, or always buying the nice toilet paper. For me, it’s the freedom to eat dinner out at a restaurant a few times a week, cooking with fresh herbs at home, buying ethically made clothing, and spending a few days in New York twice a year.

A rich life looks different for everybody, because everybody has different values and desires. The idea is that once you’ve defined a few aspects of your rich life, you can orient your financial life toward it. Save ruthlessly on the things that don’t matter to you so you can spend intentionally on the life you want. "

Within reason because obviously you aren’t going to change your entire personality. How to do this?

We are mid 40’s, fully saved for college and doing well on savings; mortgage done in a few years. HHI has increased dramatically in the past few years (400k to 800k+) and expenses have remained low. No plans to change housing expenses but maybe could use some home upgrades and maintenance. Cars good.

How to make the mental shift?

Anyone?