Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid is in the shower sobbing after meets about why they can't cut time, OP here.

I could have written this. Turns out a teammate of his (from club and summer) was giving him grief about not being on the top of the ladder anymore. "It must suck to be slow now."

Really wish parents wouldn't share the ladder with their kids, especially if they know their child is emotionally immature.

This is how it is in every sport, including professional sports. The response to such taunting is "For now. Losing is temporary, but winning is forever. I'll be back up there soon". Then your kid needs to put his money where his mouth is and work harder than everyone else. Extra practice, private coaching, watching film of his swims, implementing every suggested improvement, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Kid is in the shower sobbing after meets about why they can't cut time, OP here.

I could have written this. Turns out a teammate of his (from club and summer) was giving him grief about not being on the top of the ladder anymore. "It must suck to be slow now."

Really wish parents wouldn't share the ladder with their kids, especially if they know their child is emotionally immature.

Anonymous wrote:Kid is in the shower sobbing after meets about why they can't cut time, OP here.

OP I also have a kid who is very competitive and struggles with stuff like this. I would like to recommend diving into some sports psychology and talking to your kid about it, rather than giving into their focus on times this summer. It won't get better all at once, but the more you discuss it, the more skills they will build to deal with the ups and downs of competitive sports. Here is some stuff I've learned and worked with my kid on that has helped a lot:

There is a psychology around losing and competition, but if you understand it, you can take the power away. For instance, I read about a study of Olympic medalist emotional reactions that found gold and bronze medalists were generally very happy, but silver medalists were persistently less happy or more frustrated in their performance than bronze medalists. This makes sense to me because getting a bronze medal means you almost finished off the podium but did well enough to get the last medal -- you will compare yourself to the 4th and 5th place finisher and be happy that you did better than them. But a silver medalist is going to focus on having lost to the gold medalist and feel more loss as a result. Understanding this and talking about it has helped my swimmer deal better with second place finishes.

Another tool we've used that gets recommended a lot (I think it's mentioned upthread) is to shift focus from larger competitive goals over which you might have limited control onto smaller competitive goals where you have more agency. In your child's case, rather than fixating on times over the summer (when there are so many variables that may be impacting her times in summer swim compared to club), she could set a few goals that will contribute to her overall competitiveness but not be quite so frustrating. When my swimmer wants to shift focus like this, she'll sometimes ask a coach if there is one aspect of her technique they think needs the most work, and then request some coaching on it. Might be a big component like turns or something more subtle like coordinating stroke elements or adjusting body position in the water slightly. My swimmer loves little projects like this, and it's something you can focus on in practice or in meets. Of course she will still pay attention to her times and her finishes, but this gives her something else to think about which can take a bit of the pressure off. Maybe her time is still not where she wants it, but her turns are cleaner and she's getting stronger push offs. It can help level her emotions about her performance a bit so it's not all negativity.

Reading books written by top athletes or sports psychologists can help too. All athletes struggle with this. But the ones who learn how to manage it by understanding their emotional responses and having tools for working through it will ultimately have an edge competitively as well. And also just be happier people. It doesn't mean you'll never cry in the shower after a competition or practice, but it does mean you might not feel the pain of losing (even when you're just competing against your own time) as deeply and will find productive ways to channel those feelings.