Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 20:06     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.
FIVE WEEKS. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's a lifelong process. Talk to your OB/GYN stat. Your hormones are still raging. Can you hire someone to help you a few hours a day?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 20:06     Subject: Re:I told husband I might want a divorce

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.


My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.


I’d find a couples therapist STAT. obviously do not quit your job in these circumstances. Hire a full time nanny starting ASAP. then you take a year to figure out your next steps. GL.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 20:04     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.


That’s not the way. It is a recipe for simmering resentment leading to divorce. if he cannot step up then he is writing his own divorce decree. thems the breaks.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 20:03     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage.


You're the AH, OP. Yes, you're postpartum and a 5-week old kid is making you both crazy. But here's the key: you don't threaten divorce. You don't.

If/when you're going to divorce, you quietly and discretely get your ish together, including at least two consultations with different divorce attorneys (more if you have significant assets, property, or other complicated circumstances), and you make a plan. And then you execute.

That crap you pulled is emotional manipulation, and it's NOT conducive to a healthy relationship. "Hey honey. I know we're both totally exhausted, and that this phase isn't permanent. Thing is, I'm really struggling with ______ (specific thing you want help with), and it would be really helpful to me if you would ________ (specific directive, as simplified as possible)."

PP's point about outsourcing what you can afford, especially during the first year, is spot on. You can't put all the responsibilities on just the parents. You'll break. Call in family, call in friends, call in paid assistance... But always remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, until one or both of you actually quit. Don't talk about it if you're not gonna do it, and you'd be ridiculous to divorce over petty frustrations like what you're currently going through. Your "game plan" is going to need to evolved multiple times before your kid is 2, and it'll keep changing until they're fully-fledged. Let go of the small stuff, outsource what you can, roll with the punches and cut yourself and your spouse some slack.


Yes and no. I remember very clearly when I realized that if my exDH did not change, I was going to lose all feeling and will to keep the relationship together. I told him. I don’t think that was manipulating him - it was honestly staying where I was emotionally. He did not listen and by the time he realized I was serious it was too late for him.

OP is probably not in a mental state to be able to understand what is actually going on with herself emotionally fully. But she is not wrong to communicate truthfully to her DH what a big deal this is to her.

Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 20:01     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

Oh I want to hug both of you, OP and husband!
No no no. Please don't do this to yourselves. You have a 5 week old. He is your priority.

Your husband needs to come to his senses and do more. He has a post-partum wife and infant who are both vulnerable. Working all day out of the home is not an excuse for doing nothing at home. He needs to bond with his baby, and look after him too.

I hope you two can figure it out.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:57     Subject: Re:I told husband I might want a divorce

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.


My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:57     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

Anonymous wrote:

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage.


You're the AH, OP. Yes, you're postpartum and a 5-week old kid is making you both crazy. But here's the key: you don't threaten divorce. You don't.

If/when you're going to divorce, you quietly and discretely get your ish together, including at least two consultations with different divorce attorneys (more if you have significant assets, property, or other complicated circumstances), and you make a plan. And then you execute.

That crap you pulled is emotional manipulation, and it's NOT conducive to a healthy relationship. "Hey honey. I know we're both totally exhausted, and that this phase isn't permanent. Thing is, I'm really struggling with ______ (specific thing you want help with), and it would be really helpful to me if you would ________ (specific directive, as simplified as possible)."

PP's point about outsourcing what you can afford, especially during the first year, is spot on. You can't put all the responsibilities on just the parents. You'll break. Call in family, call in friends, call in paid assistance... But always remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, until one or both of you actually quit. Don't talk about it if you're not gonna do it, and you'd be ridiculous to divorce over petty frustrations like what you're currently going through. Your "game plan" is going to need to evolved multiple times before your kid is 2, and it'll keep changing until they're fully-fledged. Let go of the small stuff, outsource what you can, roll with the punches and cut yourself and your spouse some slack.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:53     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:50     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

Are you going to return to work? If so, you need to hash this NOW. He needs to step up and parent, do house chores, etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:49     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce


Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Now follow through w that divorce.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:48     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.


Wow, you are in post-partum mania/depression OP.

You should chill out before you ruin your child's life forever.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:40     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

You’re probably not being too harsh, but you probably also shouldn’t get divorced.

Men often go through a postpartum thing where they suck.

Women need more help postpartum than they get from their spouses.

Having a baby is hard for everyone, whether they are doing great or not. Women seem to dive in more and plow through. Men often retreat.

What you need to adjust most is the game plan. You’re going to get less from him than you thought. It’s better for your little family if you can get more somewhere else. Childcare. Other family. Hired help of some other kind. Your expectations might have been unrealistic for him as an individual or not but seriously, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help you right now to be right. At all. Being right gets you bupkis right now so try hard to let that go.

Try hard not to get divorced until the baby turns 2. If you still want to at that point? Trust me, it’ll be there for you.

Don’t get pregnant.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:38     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

This is like deciding on a divorce in the middle of bickering while sick with norovirus. Drop all mention of divorce, try to arrange for both of you to get a good night sleep (in different nights if necessary.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:30     Subject: Re:I told husband I might want a divorce

What you described is not divorce-worthy.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 19:28     Subject: I told husband I might want a divorce

My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.