FIVE WEEKS. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's a lifelong process. Talk to your OB/GYN stat. Your hormones are still raging. Can you hire someone to help you a few hours a day?Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.
I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.
My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.
Our agreement:
- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.
He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.
- He will cook the days he gets home early.
He has refused to cook on the days he is home.
- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)
He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.
- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.
He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.
The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.
It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.
Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage.
You're the AH, OP. Yes, you're postpartum and a 5-week old kid is making you both crazy. But here's the key: you don't threaten divorce. You don't.
If/when you're going to divorce, you quietly and discretely get your ish together, including at least two consultations with different divorce attorneys (more if you have significant assets, property, or other complicated circumstances), and you make a plan. And then you execute.
That crap you pulled is emotional manipulation, and it's NOT conducive to a healthy relationship. "Hey honey. I know we're both totally exhausted, and that this phase isn't permanent. Thing is, I'm really struggling with ______ (specific thing you want help with), and it would be really helpful to me if you would ________ (specific directive, as simplified as possible)."
PP's point about outsourcing what you can afford, especially during the first year, is spot on. You can't put all the responsibilities on just the parents. You'll break. Call in family, call in friends, call in paid assistance... But always remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, until one or both of you actually quit. Don't talk about it if you're not gonna do it, and you'd be ridiculous to divorce over petty frustrations like what you're currently going through. Your "game plan" is going to need to evolved multiple times before your kid is 2, and it'll keep changing until they're fully-fledged. Let go of the small stuff, outsource what you can, roll with the punches and cut yourself and your spouse some slack.
Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.
Anonymous wrote:
I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage.
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.
I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.