Anonymous wrote:These are conversations you have with a husband, not with your child. Do you not have a husband?

These conversations are necessary with children when they are nearing adulthood.

Stop trolling

My adult kids know the outline of my life, but I’ll never fully share with them.

These are conversations you have with a husband, not with your child. Do you not have a husband?

No reason

Anonymous wrote:I think it helpw. My parents told me later things that would have been more helpful if I learned them as a teen. Trauma I endured and just negativity it would have been nice to understand the context around it. Not to diminish my feelings but just explain them.

Presumeably op is doing a better job raising her dd and is not abusing her as her mom did to op. There is reason to think op has abused or otherwise treated her kids in a way which would traumatize them.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks all.

I did not try to paint my mother in a negative light on purpose. Even before I shared the negatives, I had already told my kids what a difficult life my mother had so they already knew the context.

You conveyed the information in an age appropriate manner. I've done the same with my kids re my traumatic childhood. I'm currently struggling with anger at what my mom did to me. I'm afraid I'm not as forgiving and generous as you.

I think it helpw. My parents told me later things that would have been more helpful if I learned them as a teen. Trauma I endured and just negativity it would have been nice to understand the context around it. Not to diminish my feelings but just explain them.

Eh, it's probably fine. And if this helps, I got along SO much better with my Type A parent when I no longer had to live with him.

It was pretty funny to me when he came over to my first apartment, saw something on the ledge and asked "Where does this go?" and I replied, "Right there, where it was." He literally couldn't comprehend that and tried again. "No, where does it LIVE?" His head nearly exploded. It was awesome. But he learned to let me have my space the way I wanted, and I actually got neater because all the mess was my own and I decided if I wanted to live in calmness or chaos.

Every person and every situation is complex, even those easily categorized as “negative.” Children deserve to know the truth and to be treated as though they have intelligence and insight, which they do.

OP here, thanks all.

I did not try to paint my mother in a negative light on purpose. Even before I shared the negatives, I had already told my kids what a difficult life my mother had so they already knew the context.

My kids knew that my mother could be hypercritical when they were in preschool and elementary. Over the years, they have witnessed a lot of explosive anger and verbally abusive behavior from their father. We discussed their father and his issues ever since they were little, because he had access to them and they needed strategies to manage him. It's tragic that children need strategies to deal with an adult that is less in control of his emotions than they are, but that's the lot they were dealt in life.

Any time you share heavy stuff with kids, you need to think about how it's going to land. Kids' worlds are centered around themselves. They have a limited capacity for perspective, because they don't have a lot of life experience. But ALSO, teens can be clear sighted and pragmatic, which is sometimes very useful when discussing trauma.

Your kid is plenty old enough. But words matter. They need to be factual and objective, so you appear as credible as possible.

PP. Also, if you can legitimately define someone's actions as "doing the best they could", I think that is useful/partially exculpatory in many situations. Understanding and forgiveness are useful to model.

She's almost an adult

It's okay. She's beginning to understand what forces went into making you who you are. If we are lucky, we all get there eventually.

I think context is helpful.

I've learned more about my grandmother's life after she passed away. She was a bit cold, negative, and naggy. What I've learned about her life puts that into better context.

Grandparents often have an easier relationship than parents. That is somewhat typical.

DD 17 and I are pretty close. But, we do also argue a lot. We have very different personalities - Type A (me), Type B (DD). It's hard for us both, but we love each other to bits.

We were talking about life and stuff, and got on to the subject of our sometimes fractious relationship. We are close enough to talk about our relationship and what makes us crazy about each other .. when we are calm and joking with each other. We do each acknowledge our failings. I have told her that I regret some of the way I parented her; she knows that she could do better.

Then we started to talk about family relationships, and somehow got onto the subject of my relationship with my mother, who was abusive to me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Needless to say, I am not close to her. I told DD some of what my mother did to me without really thinking about whether I should tell her. I did explain that my mother, who is an immigrant, lead a really hard life, and though that does not excuse the abuse, she did the best she could.

I know this did not change her view of my mother who now has dementia. She adores her grandmother.

But, now, I'm second guessing myself. Did I overshare?