Following this thread - my kid is just 6 but does this exact same thing, OP. I’m struggling with how to help him.

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was an easier way to get these types of kids together to make friends.

I also have a 9 yr old AuDHD who is pretty clueless interacting with neurotypical kids but does great with quirky ADHDers or other kids with ASD or other SN.

Now that we’ve hit the tween years, Shes kind of given up with NT girls. Too much drama. she just wants to be herself and meet other kids like her.

Maybe someone on DCUM has a great idea for ways to match ND/SN friends.

I found in high school my kid actually did better with NT kids who aren't obsessed with social status. Too many of his friends on the spectrum and with ADHD were obsessed with being cool kids and not comfortable in their own skin. The cool kids would include them for amusement and mockery (happened to my kid freshman year, but we got him help) and then suddenly my kid's former friend with the same SN was dumping him for his new "friends" who were not friends at all. They don't dump politely either. He has heard "I am cool now. You are not so we can't be friends. Sorry, I'm just really popular." Then the mom is contacting me for sympathy because these new friends are making fake plans and not showing up or none of them showed up to the kid's birthday and her kid already dumped my kid and I'm in an awkward position of showing empathy, but also explaining that her teen made it clear he does not want to be friends and we respect his wishes, but no I will not push my kid to get together with your kid despite this. On the other hand I find that laid back, quirky, eccentric or just genuinely kind NT kids who aren't obsessed with social status seem to appreciate that DS marches to his own drummer, is kind and unique. He has made some nice and inclusive friends who themselves seem to be comfortable in their own skin or getting there. I am not generalizing that all teens on the spectrum/with ADHD change in high school. I am just sharing our experience with 4 friends over the course of high school who he had been friends with since elementary or middle school.

I wish there was an easier way to get these types of kids together to make friends.

I also have a 9 yr old AuDHD who is pretty clueless interacting with neurotypical kids but does great with quirky ADHDers or other kids with ASD or other SN.

Now that we’ve hit the tween years, Shes kind of given up with NT girls. Too much drama. she just wants to be herself and meet other kids like her.

Maybe someone on DCUM has a great idea for ways to match ND/SN friends.

Have you tried video modeling?

Yes, giving “rules” for social interactions can help. Yes, much more praise than correction. And, if she complains that something went wrong, turn the tables and ask why she thinks that was. Ask her what the other kids might have been thinking or feeling, because she’s too tuned into her own thoughts and feelings and isn’t at the point yet where she can read the room. You can pretend to play “spies” with her by watching another table in a restaurant or somewhere in public and very quietly commenting on what might be going on socially at that table. If you watch a TV show together, or a movie, you can pause it and ask about the interactions on the screen and what socially is going on. It’s much easier for her to talk about these topics about other people rather than herself. It gives her a chance to learn without feeling shamed or uncomfortable herself.

Absolutely give lots of positive feedback naturally. And you can say that everyone struggles with those mysterious social rules at some point so she doesn’t feel like the only one.

The kids I have had in class who repeat the same jokes over and over seem stuck in a loop and need to be given a break from the group to reset themselves.

Social skills classes could be beneficial.

Give her structures to use. Only tell the joke once to the same person. Only do two goofy faces to the same person’ in a week. Then she can apply those.

I agree to get a professional involved, but also I do think you are doing the right thing giving her feedback. Just make sure she are pointing out the things she does right at least 5 times more. "I noticed you thanked Larla's mom for having you over" that was really sweet of you! "I noticed when Larla looked annoyed, you read that cue and apologized. That was great!"

They need feedback and I gave my son a lot of it, but I made sure there was plenty more positive-stuff you don't need to praise NT kids for as much because they do it naturally. When he had friends over I could tell the difference between kids who's parents tried to coach and those who didn't, but I also knew the moms well enough that I knew who was afraid to ever intervene with their kids.

The kids who's parents were afraid to ever give corrective feedback were too hard to manage and seemed entitled. Even when the parent came, they were bold enough to be rude and the parent said nothing. It was exhausting having them over because it was clear they didn't accept boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old adhd DD is great in so many ways, but she can be annoying. For example, if she makes a joke and anyone laughs, she’ll make the same joke a million more times. She does this with goofy faces, goofy voices, etc. A kid with laugh for a minute and my kid just doesn’t know when to stop.

I point it out to her gently “e.g. did you notice how larla laughed when you said X and then stopped laughing and moved away after a while?” She often will insist that Larla thought it was hilarious or she’ll shut down and get very sad. I don’t want to crush her spirit but I see that she’s annoying other kids (and adults).

Have you been able to help your kid with this? My kid has stopped talking to me/confiding in me so much because whenever she reports that no one played with her at recess or didn’t get invited to a birthday party, I often try to “coach” her on ways she can get a long a bit better with other kids and it (understandably) feels like a lecture to her. I just can’t find the right balance between coaching her and just being a safe space to vent.

She’s medicated for adhd and she’s a very sweet kid—caring, flexible, etc. I think this is just part of her personality.

Get a professional involved and prioritize your relationship with your DD. When they are teens, they will only remember the negative and not how you tried to "help" them.

Forgot to add. BTDT with regret

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old adhd DD is great in so many ways, but she can be annoying. For example, if she makes a joke and anyone laughs, she’ll make the same joke a million more times. She does this with goofy faces, goofy voices, etc. A kid with laugh for a minute and my kid just doesn’t know when to stop.

I point it out to her gently “e.g. did you notice how larla laughed when you said X and then stopped laughing and moved away after a while?” She often will insist that Larla thought it was hilarious or she’ll shut down and get very sad. I don’t want to crush her spirit but I see that she’s annoying other kids (and adults).

Have you been able to help your kid with this? My kid has stopped talking to me/confiding in me so much because whenever she reports that no one played with her at recess or didn’t get invited to a birthday party, I often try to “coach” her on ways she can get a long a bit better with other kids and it (understandably) feels like a lecture to her. I just can’t find the right balance between coaching her and just being a safe space to vent.

She’s medicated for adhd and she’s a very sweet kid—caring, flexible, etc. I think this is just part of her personality.

Get a professional involved and prioritize your relationship with your DD. When they are teens, they will only remember the negative and not how you tried to "help" them.

My 9 year old adhd DD is great in so many ways, but she can be annoying. For example, if she makes a joke and anyone laughs, she’ll make the same joke a million more times. She does this with goofy faces, goofy voices, etc. A kid with laugh for a minute and my kid just doesn’t know when to stop.

I point it out to her gently “e.g. did you notice how larla laughed when you said X and then stopped laughing and moved away after a while?” She often will insist that Larla thought it was hilarious or she’ll shut down and get very sad. I don’t want to crush her spirit but I see that she’s annoying other kids (and adults).

Have you been able to help your kid with this? My kid has stopped talking to me/confiding in me so much because whenever she reports that no one played with her at recess or didn’t get invited to a birthday party, I often try to “coach” her on ways she can get a long a bit better with other kids and it (understandably) feels like a lecture to her. I just can’t find the right balance between coaching her and just being a safe space to vent.

She’s medicated for adhd and she’s a very sweet kid—caring, flexible, etc. I think this is just part of her personality.