Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a friend around this age and honestly, I think there’s a lot of just wanting to still feel useful and helpful. It’s not a joy that someone is having a hard time, it’s that they still be an ear, offer advice. In many of their lives, elder relatives and grandparents were the ones that they talked with and who
Listened to them. Community isn’t the same thing for younger people, and they have lost many friends already, or many of their friends aren’t able to do anything that affords a look into scandal and advice giving. “You should get a grab bar in the shower” isn’t nearly as interesting or stimulating as “John is cheating on me with his administrative assistance, Tim”.

Thanks for this post. It's really thought provoking.

Anonymous wrote:I think women of that era (especially if they didn’t work) look at our lives and think we’re crazy. They didn’t do travel sports, didn’t know couples who both had good careers, didn’t work late, didn’t drive kids to a million things.

Yup. My kids are probably the least scheduled kids we know, and my mom still says stuff like "I can't imagine how stressful it must be, having to throw yourselves all out the door every morning." Mom, when we were kids, everybody BUT you had to get out the door in the morning!

That said, I do think it would be nice to have a stay at home parent to take care of all the house, administrative, and scheduling stuff. It is probably easier than doing it on top of a full time job. I think that's what she's getting at - feeling like her plate was full with parenting, and then we've added more.

I think women of that era (especially if they didn’t work) look at our lives and think we’re crazy. They didn’t do travel sports, didn’t know couples who both had good careers, didn’t work late, didn’t drive kids to a million things.

My mom is like that. I think this is her way to have a “meaningful connection” with me.

It's an early sign of dementia, TBH.

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this, and for her it's an unconscious form of schadenfreude. I suspect it's because she's been disabled for multiple decades due to an auto-immune disease, and has a ton of insecurity and social anxiety about it: because of that, she enjoys seeing "healthy" people's normal lives go awry. It reassures her that no one has it better than she does.

My mom is like this.

Also, both my parents really hated being parents, so they are eager to hear anything to indicate that their kids also hate being parents. They used to frame this as a kind of revenge, like "you put us through hell and now you'll get yours." But now they try to couch it as an attempt to commiserate. But I actually love being a mom and think my kids are great. Yes it's hard sometimes, but I never blame my kids for that. It's usually circumstantial.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the opposite of this. Everything gets glossed over or shrugged at, or she says oh well. Sometimes it’s nice because you might take a step back and try to reframe something, but she is not a great confidant.

My mom is the same, diminishes everything. So I share absolutely nothing with her.

To be fair though, I wouldn’t necessarily want someone to tell me that everything’s awful, either. I just want a mom who listens somewhat neutrally. I’m going to try to remind myself of that with my own DD.

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Inquire how her life was before she was remarried assuming with kids..

My mom is the opposite of this. Everything gets glossed over or shrugged at, or she says oh well. Sometimes it’s nice because you might take a step back and try to reframe something, but she is not a great confidant.

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this, and for her it's an unconscious form of schadenfreude. I suspect it's because she's been disabled for multiple decades due to an auto-immune disease, and has a ton of insecurity and social anxiety about it: because of that, she enjoys seeing "healthy" people's normal lives go awry. It reassures her that no one has it better than she does.

I feel like this is common.

Anonymous wrote:It could be schadenfreude but it could also be her letting you know that she is a safe person to open up to and share the parts of life that are hard. This is one of the things I value about talking to my mom. I never feel I have to put on a front and pretend everything is always fine. I know she is there to listen and support me. If this is new behavior for your mom, maybe she read something or was told by someone that this is what adult children want from their parents?

+1 And my mom likes to TALK so she wants to know all. the. things.

My mother is like this, and for her it's an unconscious form of schadenfreude. I suspect it's because she's been disabled for multiple decades due to an auto-immune disease, and has a ton of insecurity and social anxiety about it: because of that, she enjoys seeing "healthy" people's normal lives go awry. It reassures her that no one has it better than she does.

OP, I have a friend around this age and honestly, I think there’s a lot of just wanting to still feel useful and helpful. It’s not a joy that someone is having a hard time, it’s that they still be an ear, offer advice. In many of their lives, elder relatives and grandparents were the ones that they talked with and who
Listened to them. Community isn’t the same thing for younger people, and they have lost many friends already, or many of their friends aren’t able to do anything that affords a look into scandal and advice giving. “You should get a grab bar in the shower” isn’t nearly as interesting or stimulating as “John is cheating on me with his administrative assistance, Tim”.

It could be schadenfreude but it could also be her letting you know that she is a safe person to open up to and share the parts of life that are hard. This is one of the things I value about talking to my mom. I never feel I have to put on a front and pretend everything is always fine. I know she is there to listen and support me. If this is new behavior for your mom, maybe she read something or was told by someone that this is what adult children want from their parents?

I’m in my early 40s, married with two elementary aged kids. My husband and I both work full time. In general, we have a pretty good life, but things are busy and there are certainly stresses at times.

My mom and stepdad (they’ve been together 20 years) are in their early 70s. They’re retired, reasonably healthy, have hobbies, an active social life, they travel. They seem to have a pretty nice life.

For some reason, my mom always seems eager for me to admit something is hard or stressful or unpleasant. It’s like she won’t just accept that we’re pretty happy most of the time. She pushes me to talk about about our busy schedule or work stress or other potentially tough things, seemingly in hopes that I’ll admit that something in my life is awful or really hard. She’ll also talk in great detail about anything difficult going on with anyone else we know. She says she’s concerned or feels bad for them, but sometimes it seems like she’s getting pleasure out of sharing the news.

Why does she do this?? Is it schadenfreude? Something else? I’ve been noticing it a lot over the past year or two, but I’m wondering if it was always there and I just didn’t see it before. Anyone else have experience with this?