Self preservation is greater than social obligation. Say no when you need to. Take care of yourself first. Ask yourself does this work for me? Am I happy to do it or am I only doing this to please or make someone else happy? If it’s the latter. You have your answer. A polite no. Start here.

Also don’t overuse sorry. I do this now as a former people pleaser and find that I have created yet another issue.

Anonymous wrote:it’s hard for me to understand the difference between people pleasing and merely being pleasant.

This is a big one, OP. You're going to have to figure this out. Give us some examples from your life if you need help.

No is a full sentience and my life is better for it. I also cut users out of my life. They used me and were never there for me not even emotionally ever my "relationship" was just always bailing them out. F users.

I did too much for too long. The end for me was keeping my parents safe and cared for in their home until they died. They were saints, really, the kindest and most welcoming of anyone. I always knew this and was dedicated to their well being despite two very selfish and narcissistic siblings.

But now that they’re gone, I don’t think I know anyone as selfless and kind, except my 22 year old son. I’ll take the win!

Now I’m just polite— short and sweet to most. I don’t make an effort anymore, some notice and up their game. Others I’m happy to be rid of. I do love meeting new people though! Sometimes I think, where have you been my whole life. I’m at peace.

I am not going to lie to you.

If you are a lifelong people pleaser, then stopping is going to piss off some of the people in your life. I lost friendships when I decided to stop just people pleasing and start standing up for myself. I had longtime friends and family members accuse me of being selfish, entitled, and "drama seeking" for engaging in behaviors they had always engaged in (prioritizing myself over others). It was hard.

But I also had friends and family who supported me in making that change, who cheered for me in speaking up, saying no, and drawing boundaries, because they knew how much I'd given up in spending so much of my life accommodating other people (and, it must be said, largely accommodating people who had no problem using my people pleasing to their own benefit). These folks are still in my life and our relationships are better than ever because I've learned to assert myself and take care of myself and it makes those relationships more functional.

Also, it takes time to learn how to stand up for yourself. It's easier for me now to set boundaries in a polite but firm way. Early on, I would vacillate between being too harsh or not being firm enough, and that could be frustrating for others. But it's part of the process. Like any skill, it takes practice and your first attempts may be clumsy. The people who prefer you to accommodate all their wants at your own expense will use these clumsy attempts against you. Power on.

I lost a lot of "friends" who weren't really friends at all. I don't miss them, but it was a little lonely while I worked on making better friendships. Overall it strengthened my relationships with people who actually cared about me and removed the people who were just using me. 10/10, would recommend!

I got a divorce and am so much happier

I saw myself as stronger and more capable!

Ran from/avoided confrontation. Always a people-pleaser and have been known as “nice” and “sweet” my entire life. Yes, I’m kind, loving and patient and enjoy helping people but now I consciously avoid those who are nasty, unkind and mean-spirited. No more one-way relationships. Call it ghosting, call it self preservation but stop doing all the work and see what happens.

I started with "sorry I can't make it" and "happy birthday " or whatever vs. "I'm going to this important thing from x to y and then something else later but I could probably squeeze dropping by your thing for 10 minutes." You can "already have plans" without specifying them and justifying it with "acceptable" excuses.

You can also stop saying why you need leave from work. Just ask for the leave according to the policy.

It's not that you don't want to share. It's that you're training yourself that you don't have to share, which will spill over to better boundaries in other parts of your life.

drop the rope. And let's get a new phrase while we are at it. Never hear this used in real time.

You'll be fine.

Your life will be so much easier. People expect you to say 'yes' or 'no'. They are ready for both.

Start with asking yourself whether you want to do (not whether you should do) the thing that is being asked and respond accordingly.

Start with low stakes. Say no to people you barely know or will only see once. Work up to refusing to insulate your sister’s attic, you know?

I am a lifelong people pleaser and I’m exhausted. Not only is it draining and typically not returned, I think I do myself a disservice by playing small and ingratiating myself to everyone - like I’m being inauthentic and selling myself out. I just want to drop the rope, but it’s hard for me to understand the difference between people pleasing and merely being pleasant.

What happened when you stopped the people pleasing song and dance? Any advice? TIA.