I believe your daughter is just stimulated by her friends into being more animated. That's perfectly normal, and happens to all introverts. I wouldn't be surprised if she needed a lot of downtime to "recover" from such social output, which might explain why she comes off as "grumpy" at home. Some of it might be masking, yes, but that's fine. Masking is not a problem by itself, and there's nothing you can do about it. You need to leave her alone. Also at this age, it's common to be in a constant state of irritation with parents!

My autistic son has a relatively flat affect, which I've never worried about. ADHD meds made it worse, but now he's tapered off his meds. The BIG problem is that he's asocial by nature, which poses a serious threat to career advancement and making friends. Right now at 20, he has no friends at all. He doesn't know how to be interested in others such that he can maintain a friendship. We tried so hard when he was younger, trying to set up playdates and get-togethers, and enrolling him in social skills groups... but it was leading a horse to water. We can't make him drink.

So she basically has a resting b**** face? I do too. It’s just how I am.

I don’t see the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?

No. I want to know how to have a nice time when we’re together when she doesn’t talk and looks bored and unhappy. What do I do? How do I make it better?

But you have to trust and believe her that she's not bored and unhappy. You're not having a nice time because you've convinced yourself that she's lying. You need to reframe how you see her and the situation.

OP, look up the stock phrase "companionable silence".

I love this idea.

My teen son is grumpy a lot and when he's grumpy he sometimes fakes flat affect. It's like a mask of uncaring. He keeps it up at school but it's like a balloon that can be popped by the right joke.

I enjoy companionable silence. You might also come to appreciate it if you learn more about how people feel during it.

There is a cliche: "Your presence is the present". That's what your daughter is offering you: her presence. It's enough.

NP. DS often has a flat affect with me, with us his parents and sometimes with his friends but also is more animated with his friends , to some extent.

I don't always know whether he is happy or bored or angry/hostile, from his demeanor, but I know that he is generally sunny and very rarely angry. So I go by what I know of him rather than his presentation. And I try to remind him to check whether his outside matches his inside.

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?

No. I want to know how to have a nice time when we’re together when she doesn’t talk and looks bored and unhappy. What do I do? How do I make it better?

She is in college and has a girlfriend and has good grades. She has friends, although she has always been introverted. She’s not totally different with them but it’s a lot less so. Her friends have always been quirky—in a fine way.

It’s not just me. My family and friends notice it too and also feel like she’s uninterested and even annoyed or bored when we’re out doing things. My mom used to get really mad sometimes because it comes off as rude, but my father is very similar so we talked about it and she doesn’t take it personally anymore.

It’s very hard for someone to genuinely appear to be unhappy, bored, and barely talk. And then if you ask them if they’re ok they say yes. But if she tells me she is then I don’t know. I guess I believe her. But that still doesn’t change that it’s really hard when I plan fun things for us to do and she doesn’t talk and yawns and generally looks like she doesn’t want to be there. I get really anxious that she’s unhappy and try to engage more with her, and that makes it worse.

It IS about me. I’ve read all about flat affect, blunted affect, etc….but nothing explains how a parent is supposed to deal with it on a day to day basis. I want to be able to have a good time when we spend time together. But imagine if the person you’re with barely speaks, looks totally bored, even annoyed. And then you genuinely try to understand what’s going on and they say they’re fine.

Do I just ignore it? Pretend she’s not acting that way? Do I try to talk to her when I get one word answers back? It makes me not want to spend time with her and that makes me so sad. From her perspective we don’t have a bad relationship. It’s just her expectations of what people do together are very different from mine. We could literally walk around together for an hour and if I didn’t talk, we’d walk in silence.

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for your anxiety.

A teenager having flat affect with parents and more enthusiasm for friends is normal even for non autistic people.

Also, you should be aware that all those "naturally bubbly" personality women are masking when they do it. They just have become so committed to the bit that they don't notice the strain they are putting themselves under and they think that's a normal way to feel.

Very interesting points. I agree that OP is wanting her kid to conform to norms to make herself more comfortable. OP needs to own her own feelings /mood instead of looking for validation from a teenager.

Therapy for your anxiety.

A teenager having flat affect with parents and more enthusiasm for friends is normal even for non autistic people.

Also, you should be aware that all those "naturally bubbly" personality women are masking when they do it. They just have become so committed to the bit that they don't notice the strain they are putting themselves under and they think that's a normal way to feel.

This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?

If she has friends and is gainfully working or attending school, this may be an issue that you need to address yourself. Is this new behavior? Is she at college or living at home? Maybe she’s ready to be on her own? Is she doing her part as a family member (assigned chores, speaking respectfully, keeping you informed)?

Is she able to function in the world - with school, jobs, etc? It sounds like she has a social life. “Masking” in order to function in society isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it may be that she’s just wiped out by the time she gets home, and can finally relax.

You just have to adjust your expectations. Confronting her, and constantly criticizing/questioning her mood/affect will get you nowhere, and will likely damage your relationship.

Does she maintain employment? Friendships? Her day-to-day life?

I'd look at depression and anxiety.

I have a young adult daughter who is mildly on the spectrum. It’s mainly social stuff. Her diagnosis was social pragmatic communication disorder. Looking back, I should have gotten her some help for it. But it didn’t really become an issue until she was older and then she rejected the label. So there is no way she will pursue help for it.

The biggest thing we have issues with relates to flat affect. She almost always seems bored and uninterested and it makes me anxious and I get upset. But then she says she wasn’t unhappy. I notice when she’s with her friends she is more animated and I felt like it was a reflection on how she didn’t like being around her family. But now I’m wondering if she’s actually masking with her friends and we are getting the “real” her.

If she would acknowledge I feel like it could be better? But she doesn’t acknowledge it. So I just always feel like she’s annoyed or bored and we sort of get in an argument and she says she isn’t. And then I feel like a jerk.

Basically, any suggestions on how I can more constructively deal with this? Take her on her word that she isn’t upset and her emotions and face just aren’t matching? It’s really hard! But what I’m doing isn’t working and it makes me sad. She is 19, so technically an adult now.