When I have my kids parties. I always a cake/cupcake, a package of the cupcakes from Whole Foods that is free of most allergies, a fruit plate, and a variety of individual packaged snacks. I usually capture about 98% of the kids likes or ability to eat.

I would want to know! In the same note, offer to pack alternatives…then go from there.

I once had a kid at a party whose parents both forgot to tell me about her allergy and forgot to pack her a separate dessert. She was late ES and was fine with it, but I felt so bad!

I would rather know.

My daughter has a dairy allergy, so it's almost always a problem at parties. I have her eat before we go and there's usually a side (fruit, veggies, chips, juice) that she can eat while everyone else is having pizza. And if the cupcakes are dairy (almost always the case), then we have a deal where she can have a treat at home instead. She mostly takes it in stride. I usually do ask the host if there's dairy in the cupcakes, because sometimes there's not and then my daughter is happy to be able to participate. But I know it's a pain in the butt to have a host go out of their way when dairy is such a staple of birthday parties, and it's not that difficult to work around it on our end.

My child has multiple food allergies and we always bring food, never expect someone else to accommodate. Honestly, I would not trust someone else’s efforts to accommodate because you don’t know how careful you have to be about cross contamination unless you have lived it. I have never minded bringing her food.

I do mind if the host parents obsess about it or feel overly sad. I know it is well intentioned, but it does no one any good to repeatedly ask, “what about this, can you eat this?” and then express disappointment when the answer is no. It’s awkward for the kid and can coerce the wrong kid into eating something she shouldn’t.

I have a kid with multiple allergies. Gluten, dairy and nuts and a lot of other things too. The nut ones in particular are very serious. We never eat at parties or friends homes. I tell them all from the beginning about the allergies and most offer to try to accommodate but we just can’t risk it and frankly I don’t want to burden them anyway. Some seem to feel bad which makes me sad because nothing I can really do about it. The best gift to us is to have some events where food isn’t served at all or at least isn’t the main focus. Then my kid can blend in and have fun with the others. We usually avoid food centered events and birthday parties together unless it’s a good friend.

Anonymous wrote:I think awareness is a good thing. I wish people wouldn’t treat others as a burden for informing them of their boundaries. I love to host and am happy to accommodate all kinds of things (no alcohol, vegetarian, whatever) - the point of hosting is to gracefully serve your guests. We are so selfish and mean-spirited we can’t even host a party without choosing to get pissed off about the preferences and/or limitations of others. No wonder our society is in such a sad state.

I asked the question, and this is kind of how I feel. I would rather just know because it is often easy to find something everyone can eat or at least have an option. I would feel kinda bummed if someone didn't raise it or didn't tell me until the party when it's too late for me to try to address. But I also understand some parents really just need to bring their own food depending on their child's situation, especially for kids with multiple allergies.

Pp here. Kids who have real allergies do not bother me at all. Of course I will try my best to accommodate. My DD had a good friend who had a severe condition and I wanted to accommodate her and would have gone out of my way to get her food she could eat. Her mom always brought her food. I wanted to get her a special cupcake or cookie she would eat at DD’s birthday and mom would say she can’t risk it.

She has another friend who is allergic to many things. She always eats before she comes over. I don’t think she has ever eaten anything in my home. The mom does not burden me. She has multiple allergies, not just one. I don’t even know what she is allergic to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The GF complaint thread got me thinking. My preschooler has a peanut allergy. When he attends bday parties, I never ask the hosts to accommodate him, but I do ask ahead of time if the (unlabeled) baked goods will have peanuts in them. I don't worry about the pizza that is usually served and most of the snacks are in packages or I otherwise know what is in them. I can read all those labels myself without troubling anyone.

Is this what you are supposed to do, or is it rude? I don't want to put anyone on the spot by asking at the party, but is it better to not say anything and send my own cupcake even if it's not necessary? What is the polite thing?

Why wouldn't you "worry" about the pizza? Is your childs peanut allergy not very severe?

What pizza has nuts in it? My kid doesn't have to avoid anything except actual peanuts. It's ok if any of the component ingredients are processed in a facility that also processes nuts (the language "may contain") isn't an issue. I don't know a single person with a nut allergy who asks about or avoids pizza. Educate me though: what are we missing?

I am the OP of the gluten free thread. I have one child with a peanut allergy. When he was younger, we would ask hosts if foods had nuts. He is allergic to many different kinds of nuts and just avoids all nuts.

I do not tell anyone in advance he has an allergy unless someone asks me specifically. So many kids have peanuts and schools are so anal about no nuts that most people avoid serving nuts at kid parties.

Anonymous wrote:The GF complaint thread got me thinking. My preschooler has a peanut allergy. When he attends bday parties, I never ask the hosts to accommodate him, but I do ask ahead of time if the (unlabeled) baked goods will have peanuts in them. I don't worry about the pizza that is usually served and most of the snacks are in packages or I otherwise know what is in them. I can read all those labels myself without troubling anyone.

Is this what you are supposed to do, or is it rude? I don't want to put anyone on the spot by asking at the party, but is it better to not say anything and send my own cupcake even if it's not necessary? What is the polite thing?

Why wouldn't you "worry" about the pizza? Is your childs peanut allergy not very severe?

If I’m the host, I want you to tell me. Twice is great. At the rsvp. But if not, at least at the party start.

Tell me the gist of it. I’ll ask you if I have questions, or if you’re not there, I’ll text you.

None of this or rude or even subject to etiquette. It’s just not. Etiquette is making people feel comfortable. It makes me comfortable for you to give me any information.

I think awareness is a good thing. I wish people wouldn’t treat others as a burden for informing them of their boundaries. I love to host and am happy to accommodate all kinds of things (no alcohol, vegetarian, whatever) - the point of hosting is to gracefully serve your guests. We are so selfish and mean-spirited we can’t even host a party without choosing to get pissed off about the preferences and/or limitations of others. No wonder our society is in such a sad state.

Some people may interpret you asking about the baked goods as hinting they should accommodate. How do they usually react? I'd feel like I wouldn't know the answer (if getting from a bakery) and would want to get something for your kid.

The GF complaint thread got me thinking. My preschooler has a peanut allergy. When he attends bday parties, I never ask the hosts to accommodate him, but I do ask ahead of time if the (unlabeled) baked goods will have peanuts in them. I don't worry about the pizza that is usually served and most of the snacks are in packages or I otherwise know what is in them. I can read all those labels myself without troubling anyone.

Is this what you are supposed to do, or is it rude? I don't want to put anyone on the spot by asking at the party, but is it better to not say anything and send my own cupcake even if it's not necessary? What is the polite thing?