Anonymous wrote:Divorce for your kids' sake. You're creating a situation which will perpetuate to the next generation because you are modeling an absolutely terrible marriage and home life for your four (?!) kids. I don't even understand why you vomited all your guilt about your pseudo affair many years ago in your post. Are you wanting anonymous people to tell you that you need to stay in the marriage as penance for that or something? It's bizarre. Please. Divorce. Try and salvage some happiness in your life and give your kids a shot at normal, functional lives.

OP here.

I guess I mentioned it because I think I need people to tell me how much of a horrible person I am for doing such an awful thing.

Husband may even be the one to say it's over because of that, I don't know.

I ultimately didn't admit it because I wanted us to work on our marriage and I thought it would be a sure fire reason for him to end it upon his knowledge.

I also feel lost on whether or not I should tell him..

Nothing is going to change. Divorce.

Anonymous wrote:The terrible mistake you made was marrying this guy, not sending some nudes to another guy. I don't know why you are focusing on that now other than it sounds like you may be losing your mind in every way. I'm not saying that wasn't wrong, it was definitely a bad idea, but it's over, your husband doesn't know about it, and it is having no impact on your marriage or your relationship.

Maybe you're thinking that this other guy might be a better option at this point? Who knows, but you need to figure out how to stabilize your life somehow. Four kids if I've got that right and little to no help from your husband other than I assume he brings in a decent paycheck. That's not nothing, maybe you ought to focus on that, this guy is enabling you to have the family I assumed you wanted so maybe just accept him for what he is and keep going. Your kids deserve better than two parents who are unstable, checked out and distracted.

I dunno, that's the best giving it to you straight I've got.

OP here.

Yes, my behavior was entirely uncalled for. I am very remorseful over it.

I have no idea of the other guy now as we haven't spoken on almost 2 years. Who knows, maybe he is engaged now (he was always single as long as I knew him).

He does provide for us financially, even though his spending habits are terrible (an aspect of our arguing).

Divorce for your kids' sake. You're creating a situation which will perpetuate to the next generation because you are modeling an absolutely terrible marriage and home life for your four (?!) kids. I don't even understand why you vomited all your guilt about your pseudo affair many years ago in your post. Are you wanting anonymous people to tell you that you need to stay in the marriage as penance for that or something? It's bizarre. Please. Divorce. Try and salvage some happiness in your life and give your kids a shot at normal, functional lives.

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth did you have 3 kids with this man?

OP here. 3 is something we agreed on when we were younger.

I guess you forget all the in between stuff when you're focusing on having kids, I don't know.

Doesn't really make sense, but I don't regret any of our kids.

Anonymous wrote:GURL. Who exactly do you think these "people he's never met" online are? It's probably women, probably OF, he's probably having an even bigger emotional affair than you did.

Let go of your guilt. A man who ignores his family for his damn phone absolutely deserves whatever happens to him. Men who do that should be publicly humiliated.

OP here.

I have a lot of guilt over how I behaved. It was entirely wrong.

He is a nerd and talks with a lot of other nerds on the Internet. I don't have any reason to suspect he has an OF account.

Do you have a job?

OK, no one has time to read this drivel. I bailed out halfway through. The answer is divorce and you know this. and shame on you for having two more kids after you knew what you were facing after the first two so sorry youre parenting 24/7 but that's what you signed up for. Suck it up.

If you haven't had sex in a while, I can almost assure you that you husband is having sex with someone else.

Unclear how to get you both on the same side. I agree that maybe your emotions affair was what started you and your husband's distance from each other.

The terrible mistake you made was marrying this guy, not sending some nudes to another guy. I don't know why you are focusing on that now other than it sounds like you may be losing your mind in every way. I'm not saying that wasn't wrong, it was definitely a bad idea, but it's over, your husband doesn't know about it, and it is having no impact on your marriage or your relationship.

Maybe you're thinking that this other guy might be a better option at this point? Who knows, but you need to figure out how to stabilize your life somehow. Four kids if I've got that right and little to no help from your husband other than I assume he brings in a decent paycheck. That's not nothing, maybe you ought to focus on that, this guy is enabling you to have the family I assumed you wanted so maybe just accept him for what he is and keep going. Your kids deserve better than two parents who are unstable, checked out and distracted.

I dunno, that's the best giving it to you straight I've got.

Why on earth did you have 3 kids with this man?

Anonymous wrote:You know what will help? Paragraphs.

It's actually easier to read and holds one's attention when there aren't big paragraphs.

GURL. Who exactly do you think these "people he's never met" online are? It's probably women, probably OF, he's probably having an even bigger emotional affair than you did.

Let go of your guilt. A man who ignores his family for his damn phone absolutely deserves whatever happens to him. Men who do that should be publicly humiliated.

You know what will help? Paragraphs.

I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?