Yes, my mom passed away several years before him and his kids lived further away. He was my primary caregiver growing up. I was his primary caregiver in his final years.

It also depends on the age gap. If dad's new wife is only a little older than the adult children, or God forbid younger than they are, then of course this is not likely to happen and is foolish to plan on.

I think it would have to be a two way street as an adult. If they ended their relationship with my parent, or didn't treat them well, or moved far away, or didn't show an interest in spending time with me as an adult, or if they resisted my caregiving efforts, then I can't see myself being involved. If you want to be treated like family it's a two way thing.

Anonymous wrote:My kids’ dad is an active father too. I don’t think they would need to manage his girlfriend’s care in their old age because she has kids of her own. I met my partner young enough that he will be playing an active role in their lives. He won’t need financial support but I was just thinking in the event I pass first, I would want the kids to stay in touch and help care for him.

It would be their choice. My stepkids would only contact me for money. They’d take care of their stepdad as mom replaced dad with him.

I think it depends on how the relationship goes. Being close to someone as a child isn't necessarily enough, because adults have other considerations in deciding whether to caregive. I can't place a stepparent above myself, my husband and kids, my actual parents and in-laws, and my siblings if they need me. I might be like 60 or 70 years old when care is needed and there's really no guarantee I would be able to provide it. I think it's very optimistic to expect this to happen in any significant way.

If someone were not a good caregiver for my parent, I certainly would not stay in touch.

My mom loves to tell everyone what a great relationship I have with her partner. I think she actually believes it, too. Unfortunately that is not the case and I won't be staying in touch. But there's really no way to get through to her, the denial is too strong.

I think it depends on how much care you have in mind. For them to give parent-level care to additional elders beyond their actual parents could be a really significant commitment of time and money. If you just mean social visits and light admin, fine. But I think many ACOD are pretty burnt out on accommodating divorce(s) and remarriage(s) for all the years they already have done so. By the time eldercare starts, and after dealing with their own parents don't have much left to give. I might feel differently if one of their actual parents didn't need much care.

No because then DH and I would be caring for a total of 8 elderly people and that's just too much. They are on their own. We don't have a bad relationship but I just don't regard this as my responsibility. I never asked for them to enter our family and I never made any promises or had any choice in it whatsoever.

It's possible, sure, but it's imperative for the step parents and parents to plan their own retirement/care not being dependent on kids. Kids can have their own health issues, they could move abroad or have a disabled kid, or cut ties.

If they treat you like family, sure.

Family is not just about blood ties. My spouse's stepgrandparent always treated me like I was a relative.

My step cousin is so great with my aunt. Her own mother died when she was a teen or tween and then she moved in with my uncle and aunt as a depressed teen. It was rough on all parties. But they developed a really wonderful relationship and my aunt has been a dedicated grandma to her kids.

On the other hand, my MIL married a guy when my husband was in his 40s. My husband does not like the guy and very definitely will not be taking any care of him if he survives my MIL. But it’s a bad relationship all around.

My kids’ dad is an active father too. I don’t think they would need to manage his girlfriend’s care in their old age because she has kids of her own. I met my partner young enough that he will be playing an active role in their lives. He won’t need financial support but I was just thinking in the event I pass first, I would want the kids to stay in touch and help care for him.

In my opinion you care for the elderly in your life who have acted as good role models and matter to you. For me that means both my parents and my inlaws. I actually do more hands on care for my mother in law than my own mother. For me the fact that she is an "in-law" does not matter at all. She is an incredible woman that welcomed me into her family.

So, from my point of view if a step parent shows love to a step child and acts as a parent then it would be reasonable that the children involved would indeed care for this step-parent when they are older. But, there are also lots of people in this world that won't care for their biological parent let alone a step parent.

My best friend was the primary care giver for her stepfather, even though he had kids of his own.

I have young kids and a serious partner who never had any kids of his own, so he treats mine as his. Just curious for those who were close to their stepparent if they care for them in their old age.