Say no, any shared expenses need to be agreeded upon in writing before doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Co-owning a summer/weekend house like this is the end of so many family relationships. It is always a tension point, at best.

Can you afford to pay for 1/2 of the furniture? If so, just do it. If you literally can't afford it -- it will seriously harm you financially -- then that is the answer. "We can't afford this kind of expensive furniture and decor. We can't pay for half of this. You chose to do this, and we would not have agreed to it if you had included it in the expense accounting for the year." You didn't say in your OP that you can't afford it though ... which I'm guessing you would have if that is the case? In which case there is just a lot of judgment around the choice to spend so much? If that is so, just pay for half to maintain the relationship.

Oh, and if you sell to them? NO DISCOUNT. Sell to them for FMV only.

So you allow people - family - to lie to you and take advantage of you, and only push back if it will "seriously harm your finances?" DO whatever you want, but I hope OP and her husband have enough sense, and self respect, to draw the line well before that.

You are way overreacting to what I wrote, for who knows what reason. Not sure why you think there are "lies" involved here. Bottom line is that if you have plenty of money, you don't let something like this blow up. It is not worth it (and could end up costing you more than 1/2 the cost of the furniture would have).

Anonymous wrote:Co-owning a summer/weekend house like this is the end of so many family relationships. It is always a tension point, at best.

Can you afford to pay for 1/2 of the furniture? If so, just do it. If you literally can't afford it -- it will seriously harm you financially -- then that is the answer. "We can't afford this kind of expensive furniture and decor. We can't pay for half of this. You chose to do this, and we would not have agreed to it if you had included it in the expense accounting for the year." You didn't say in your OP that you can't afford it though ... which I'm guessing you would have if that is the case? In which case there is just a lot of judgment around the choice to spend so much? If that is so, just pay for half to maintain the relationship.

Oh, and if you sell to them? NO DISCOUNT. Sell to them for FMV only.

So you allow people - family - to lie to you and take advantage of you, and only push back if it will "seriously harm your finances?" DO whatever you want, but I hope OP and her husband have enough sense, and self respect, to draw the line well before that.

Anonymous wrote:Who has dementia?

Clearly it's the dad. Use context clues.

Who has dementia?

Just be firm. Wasn’t in the outline and wasn’t discussed. Say no, and don’t engage in the argumentation.

Co-owning a summer/weekend house like this is the end of so many family relationships. It is always a tension point, at best.

Can you afford to pay for 1/2 of the furniture? If so, just do it. If you literally can't afford it -- it will seriously harm you financially -- then that is the answer. "We can't afford this kind of expensive furniture and decor. We can't pay for half of this. You chose to do this, and we would not have agreed to it if you had included it in the expense accounting for the year." You didn't say in your OP that you can't afford it though ... which I'm guessing you would have if that is the case? In which case there is just a lot of judgment around the choice to spend so much? If that is so, just pay for half to maintain the relationship.

Oh, and if you sell to them? NO DISCOUNT. Sell to them for FMV only.

We love going here every summer. Our kids have never missed a year and are now adults. If we didn’t, then DH would have sold it for his parents.

Yes, the uncle and family want us to sell to them, probably for a fraction of the cost.

Is it possible for them to buy out FIL’s share? That’s really the best option.

DH needs to send a formal letter to them. It should state that he already submitted and paid the agreed upon summer expenses. He will not be contributing to 50% of the new furniture purchases that were neither agreed upon nor needed. Be clear that there will be no future cost sharing with written approval from both sides. If this arrangement does not work for them then the beach house will be sold. If they refuse he will be left no recourse other than to file suit to for a court ordered partition to sell the property.

Be prepared for nonsense squawking. Be prepared for them to try to steal ownership in stupid ways. Be prepared for them to want to buy you out at a fraction of the cost. Just say no.

If your DH has dementia, it’s past time to sell (or ask the family to buy you out.)

What’s the point of keeping this house?

This sounds like a nightmare and trashy if you can't give one home to each child then wait for the will to require it to be sold and profits divided.

Does your DH have dementia or his dad? If it's your DH I would ask the uncle to be bought out of the house. This sounds like too much to take on long term.

Sorry, OP, that really stinks.

FWIW, I co-own a place and neither family would ever spend like that w/o discussing first. If there's an optional (meaning not required) expense, we'd still give the other family a heads up on what we're thinking, but pay for it entirely ourselves.

So no advice, but you're not in the wrong here at all.

DH's dad asked him a few years ago to take over management of the beach house with FiL's brother (DH uncle). DH now has severe dementia and is not at all involved in management of the house. The beach house was built by the grandparents then co-owned by the brothers for over 25 years.

The uncle is the older of the two siblings and he has always behaved as if he is 8 and FiL is 6. He has always taken the lead on the property management. I think I've even heard him say that his parents wanted it this way.

The uncle and wife never consulted my ILs on any renos/updates/redecorating done over the years. But FiL wanted it that way - didn't want any arguments - and his wife largely acquiesced.

Well, DH is largely not the acquiescing type. He is mostly paying his family's share of the annual expenses and he wants a say on many of the matters as the house is only used 3 months out of the year. The uncle, wife, and adult kids are not happy that he is no longer cutting checks to them whenever requested for pricey updates. TBH, it's mainly the wife and the daughters, but the uncle is the conduit.

DH asked the uncle two months ago for the amount he should cut for the summer 2025 expenses, including a line item outline of the expenses. DH then cut the check and didn't think much more about it.

Today a copy of a bill arrives, indicating we need to reimburse for half the cost of new DR furniture. This was never discussed with us. And you can tell from the date on the bill that the uncle knew about this when he gave the summer 2025 expenses to DH. Basically, they want a more luxe set-up and want us to subsidize it.

DH is vacillating between being furious and wanting to ignore it. He didn't think all items needed to be replaced and would've opted for lower price point furniture for the items that did (think Crate + Barrel v quasi-custom). He really appreciates that his uncle takes care of a lot of the details and also thinks that he should be consulted on major purchases.

Anyone here ever had success in managing these kinds of relationships, especially when it is cross-generational?

TIA.