I estranged from my 'difficult' (abusive) parents when I was 30, but it was still a relief when my mother died 12 years later and that door was closed - not that I don't have conversations with her in my head almost every day.

Last I checked my father is still alive - I check every so often because I know I will feel a great relief when that alcoholic wife beating child abusing and molesting prick is finally no longer drawing breath on this earth. I'm sure he is wizened and frail and so logically could never hurt me again - but once a man who is meant to love you has whipped you with belts and dog leashes and put his hands on your toddler and preschool body in ways no adult ever should, the fear of that person lives inside you until you know they are dust.

I’ve had one difficult parent who luckily didn’t require care and died fairly early (72), but yes I remember the sense of liberation!
I now have a parent who enabled the difficult one but is fairly easy himself. We have an ok relationship and caring for him is financially benefitting me but I still can’t fathom he’ll love to 90+ (10 more years!) before I finally don’t have to take care of him.
Honestly there’s something deeply wrong about 70 year olds taking care of 90 year olds.

Anonymous wrote:i'm glad nobody came on here to bash you can guilt trip and say things like, "your parent did his/her best." I had to become ill to free myself more emotionally and set major boundaries without guilt. I think the key is to figure out to live your best life regardless. It's a weird feeling knowing I actually have 2 people who would love to see me miserable and failing (mother and sibling). Luckily my dad cared about me, I was close with my late brother, I have a good marriage and great kids. I was trapped in people pleaser mode for too long. I had to let go of it all and stop falling for the insults, rage fits, manipulations, and gaslighting.

become ill?

Anonymous wrote:I jumped on the opportunity to leave my mother's sphere of influence as a young adult to study in the US for grad school, get married and have kids here.

I know there are financial and filial ties that hamper a lot of people from entirely cutting off their difficult parent. I didn't cut my mother off entirely, but I did set boundaries, and living so far away from her and only talking to her at scheduled intervals materially helped with respecting those boundaries. One of the reasons I didn't cut her off was because I wanted to see my father.

So I'm going to say: if you're an able-bodied adult, you are responsible for your own happiness and you certainly should not wait until a parent dies to feel a sense of self-determination.

This are such words of wisdom!!It is so challenging, but necessary to do this and you have to be ready for the backlash. I am low contact and no longer allow anything abusive. The first few years there was a lot of testing boundaries and the abusive behavior escalated, but I remained firm in not responding/taking breaks. Now i have more distance, respectful, but superficial interactions and most importantly we are a happy family unit who do not look for permission from our families of origin to enjoy life.

I jumped on the opportunity to leave my mother's sphere of influence as a young adult to study in the US for grad school, get married and have kids here.

I know there are financial and filial ties that hamper a lot of people from entirely cutting off their difficult parent. I didn't cut my mother off entirely, but I did set boundaries, and living so far away from her and only talking to her at scheduled intervals materially helped with respecting those boundaries. One of the reasons I didn't cut her off was because I wanted to see my father.

So I'm going to say: if you're an able-bodied adult, you are responsible for your own happiness and you certainly should not wait until a parent dies to feel a sense of self-determination.

i'm glad nobody came on here to bash you can guilt trip and say things like, "your parent did his/her best." I had to become ill to free myself more emotionally and set major boundaries without guilt. I think the key is to figure out to live your best life regardless. It's a weird feeling knowing I actually have 2 people who would love to see me miserable and failing (mother and sibling). Luckily my dad cared about me, I was close with my late brother, I have a good marriage and great kids. I was trapped in people pleaser mode for too long. I had to let go of it all and stop falling for the insults, rage fits, manipulations, and gaslighting.

My father’s death was liberating in many ways, but I’m heading into my mid-50s now. A lot of things I could have done two decades ago are no longer feasible. Still I feel more relief than anger at what might have been.

I’ve been reading Happy-Go-Lucky by David Sedaris about the death of his a-hole father. When the father died at age 98, Sedaris was finally free. But he was already 64 - an old man himself. This strikes him as cruel and unnatural. (Of course if your relationship with your parent was good you wouldn’t relate.) I think we’ll see this more and more and it seems hugely impactful.