I allowed DS to “talk back” to me from the time he could speak. As soon as it was age-appropriate I drove home that he needed to be minimally respectful about it. He caught on easily.

I spent 1/4 of my childhood grounded and banished to my room due to perceived BackTalk to my authoritarian mother. Never again.

To those who will inevitably tell me I raised a brat … no. He never had a tantrum actually. Got good classroom behavior reports in ES. Went on to be a teacher favorite at a big3 and T15 due to his “superlative classroom engagement and contribution to in class debate” every year.

Authoritarianism sucks, as 50% of the country is aware

I parent entirely different than my parents. Not even remotely similar. My parents existed, and met my needs of food, clothing, and shelter, but that’s about it.

- I do not try to restrict my children's food whenever they're not officially underweight.
- I do not express the belief that being fat is the worst attribute.
- I do not slap my kids in the face.
- I do not demand perfect grades but then fail to get them evaluated for their obvious inattentive ADHD, and fail to do my research to help them myself.
- I don't forbid my kids a social life and do not actively impede their friendships or decline invitations on their behalf.
- I accept my children's clothing choices instead of forcing my daughter into the ugliest, baggiest clothing in an insane attempt to hide her developing figure.
- I praise both effort and achievement, but mostly effort.
- I am much more loving, in word and deed, and a lot more actively invested in their wellbeing.

I posted above that my mom did an amazing job and I really don’t think I do newly as good a job mothering as she did.

That said, one thing did occur to me since posting. My mom had an untreated eating disorder at several points throughout my childhood and adolescence. I am very much trying to break that cycle and model positive body image and a non diet culture in my home. Unfortunately my husbands mother is even worse with her constant dieting, and DH is always making stupid comments about everything he eats or needing to starve himself to “look good for vacation.”

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I both know the difference between the words “defiantly” and “definitely”.

Op I call bs because if you were feverish school would have sent you home. Get therapy.

OP definitely meant defiantly. My mom also sent me to school sick. I did not miss a day of HS. I only missed ES for being actually hospitalized. My HS actually did give an attendance award and my mom is STILL pissed i didn't get it because I was tardy one day due to flat tire.

OP, I feel you. My defiant parenting issues have to do with food (junk food is ok), idleness (also ok), and not interrupting a great moment to get a photo of it.

Defiantly kind of works here? As in, OP noticed some parenting behaviors she didn’t want to replicate and defiantly took another path.

I don’t rage at my kids, EVER. I had a very loving mom who also got super angry sometimes. We didn’t tell her our problems, ever, because she was so emotional. When my kids were toddlers, I trained my brain to settle down when I was getting too angry and now I’m able to stay calm. It was hard but it was important to me! My kids really trust me and talk to me a lot.

On the worse-parenting-than-my-parents side, my kids do way fewer chores than I did. They’re mid and late teens now and I really wish I’d had them do more chores all along. But they also have waaaay more homework than I ever did…

My mom and I both know the difference between the words “defiantly” and “definitely”.

Op I call bs because if you were feverish school would have sent you home. Get therapy.

So many. I help my kids. I don't say "Well, I don't know what to tell you, because I'd never do/say that." If they have a lot on their plate I do their laundry for them or make their lunch or make a nice breakfast. I am not passive-aggressive or a martyr with them. I let them have friends over, I let them change their minds, I am fully dressed when their friends come by, and treat them like guests.

Defiantly? No, I am not defiant.

Definitely? Maybe.

Invite other kids over, frequently, and generally I just feel low-key about hosting kids, and adults, in my house.
My parents never had anyone over (including kids) because they thought they had to have a perfect house to do that.
I like it my way… but sometimes it gets on my nerves that other families literally never ever host anything.

Yes.

We encouraged our kid to try new things and do activities. We changed if they didn't like it. Lost money. Let up if it wasn't working, but persisted in having them be engaged, busy (relatively), and find joy in more than sitting around. It worked.

My parents insist to this day that I never did any activities or had hobbies because I refused to. They never exposed me to anything, never encouraged me to try or stick with anything, and I am convinced they didn't want to take me to anything.

I don't spank.

I know where my kids are and whom they are with. If I had gone missing I doubt that anyone would have noticed for days.

I’m not racist. My kids don’t have to choose all white friends.

My mom is a great parent and was a great mom when I was growing up. If anything I feel like I’m not doing nearly as good a job as she did. Being a parent now, I have no idea how she did everything as well as she did.

I let my kids skip school.

Growing up, my mother made me go to school every day, even when I was sick. She was convinced I would receive some sort of accolade that I could parlay into a college scholarship. Needless to say, it didn’t. I remember the college advisor laughing at her. In my mind all of those agonizing days of going to school sicker than a dog flashed through my head.

So I let my kids skip school, conservatively. Tomorrow I have the day off, and so I’m letting my kid skip, and we are all staying up late to have pizza and watch movies, and plan to go out for brunch tomorrow. Every time I do this, I feel like I reclaim a bit of my own childhood.