Anonymous wrote:My rule at that age is we have to be able to clean the room. So, for the clothes, they can live on the floor all week if that is how they want it to be, but on cleaning day they need to be in X location. Bed linens have to be changed weekly (or more if needed). Surfaces need to be dustable once a week, etc. If his bedroom wasn't ready for cleaning on cleaning day, then he had to clean it after school before he could do anything else. That happened once.

Rules can be similar when the bathroom is solo use, but when it's shared, they need to be more strict. I had a neat DD and slobby DS who had to share a small bathroom for awhile. I ended up giving him a divided tub with a handle for all his stuff, and then if he left a mess I made him stop what he was doing and go back to clean it EVERY TIME. He started wiping the counter, tub, toilet mess as needed after a couple of weeks of that.

DS had been a very clean and organized person who had all the scaffolding, and did not act like that staying with friends and relatives. Early in the shared bathroom he pretended he didn't know what to do- so I did what I would have done if that were true, had him clean side by side and made a whiteboard. That was the last I heard of not knowing what to do.

TLDR: Let them have lots of control but be very firm on the hard limits and give them some tools/equipment as needed.

trash bag, cleaning wipes, vacuum.

My kid is the same. I just tell them they need to clean their room/bathroom before they can go out.

The way they used to clean their room was to shove everything in the closet, open drawers and swipe everything on the top into the drawer. They'd tell me not to open their closet or drawers. I did, and found trash, literal trash in there.

DC has gotten better at 16, but only just.

My other kid, now in college, is not like this. I went to their dorm/apt several times, and each time, their bed was made, clothes put away, bathroom counter was neat.

My rule at that age is we have to be able to clean the room. So, for the clothes, they can live on the floor all week if that is how they want it to be, but on cleaning day they need to be in X location. Bed linens have to be changed weekly (or more if needed). Surfaces need to be dustable once a week, etc. If his bedroom wasn't ready for cleaning on cleaning day, then he had to clean it after school before he could do anything else. That happened once.

Rules can be similar when the bathroom is solo use, but when it's shared, they need to be more strict. I had a neat DD and slobby DS who had to share a small bathroom for awhile. I ended up giving him a divided tub with a handle for all his stuff, and then if he left a mess I made him stop what he was doing and go back to clean it EVERY TIME. He started wiping the counter, tub, toilet mess as needed after a couple of weeks of that.

DS had been a very clean and organized person who had all the scaffolding, and did not act like that staying with friends and relatives. Early in the shared bathroom he pretended he didn't know what to do- so I did what I would have done if that were true, had him clean side by side and made a whiteboard. That was the last I heard of not knowing what to do.

TLDR: Let them have lots of control but be very firm on the hard limits and give them some tools/equipment as needed.

I have adhd and was exactly like this. My adhd daughter is shockingly clean on the other hand bc when she was 10 I started paying her to clean her room every day and it became such a habit she is now compulsive about it.

Having adhd really doesn’t matter here as the expectation should be the same but it sometimes is helpful in terms of what strategy to use. So if he is - daily regular repetitive routines are a must. A daily 15m clean up - I’d focus on tidying and having a place for everything (reduce clutter !!!) and then once that is more in place after several weeks, you can add things like actual cleaning.

My other kid is totally messy but no adhd - she just doesn’t care. She fully cleans her room before she has friends over and the “you can’t leave to go out until you clean up your room” method works just fine on her. Whereas that pressure would have sent my youngest in a tailspin of anxiety.

Just know what kid you have, and keep your standards low for a bit and appreciate the effort they make bc often parents are over critical and that makes kids want to give up. My mom did that to me - I’d clean the bathroom at her asking but then she’d go over it again bc it wasn’t good enough (ok it probably wasn’t but I did try) and it made me not want to do it at all.

Anonymous wrote:You have to teach him executive functioning skills. For us, we do a 15 minute pickup before bed. My messy kid has to pick up her room, wipe down the bathroom sink if she left it a disaster. It's gotten SO much better over the years because she realizes that she might as well spit nicely in the sink so she doesn't have to clean it later.

We also set her (and siblings) up for success by having a place for absolutely everything, labeling, hooks for towels instead of a bar and routines.

I'm not psycho about it, but I don't agree with "her room, her mess." Instead we talk about chores as part of being part of a family unit, taking care of our belongings and respecting other people's time. I don't want my kids to mooch off their spouses when they grow up, but rather to pull their own weight.

OP here. This is how I see it, especially as the wife/mom in the family. I've been trying to let maturity and natural consequences take it's course, but it's not been enough. I'm no stranger to rule based parenting, but I find natural consequences of choices to be the most effective long term (I have older kids and have seen this play out in other ways). He turns, sorts, and washes his own clothes, but I fold them and put them away while he's at school and in an attempt to help keep him organized.

My mom's idea was a good one because a lot of what was strewn around was needed for the sport team I was on and she cleaned from the door to the walls so sometimes my shoes would end up in two different bags and I'd have to buy them both.

My son is just like you described and has ADHD. I found that by decluttering his room and bathroom of everything that wasn't necessary really helped. I also gave him a couple of bins that he could toss things in that he wanted to keep around but that he didn't use on a daily basis. I showed him a lot of compassion in this process and think it may have helped. Yelling at him and calling him a slob (which I was thinking) would have just escalated the situation.

Your kids needs discipline. They like to go out with friends? Not until everything you own is in your bedroom. You want money for a school trip? Not until you keep the bathroom clean for a week.

My god now every slobby teenager has ADHD.

You just have to be really strict about it. A diagnosis is not an excuse - it's a message that the person has to work even harder than others.

Tell him you will help him do laundry and get all his clothes clean. Then the two of you will go through and donate anything too small. Now he's set with all clean clothes that fit in his space. Tell him anything left on the floor will be taken away. Dirty clothes must be in the hamper and clean clothes must be put away where they go. Then take away anything on his floor.

Before he can do anything fun or screen time, must clean bathroom. Every time he's about to leave bathroom, must look back and see if toiletries are put away, drawers closed, toothpaste is closed, towels are neatened, etc. Have him make a checklist if he needs it of how to clean the bathroom.

I was like this and it was indeed ADHD.

You have to teach him executive functioning skills. For us, we do a 15 minute pickup before bed. My messy kid has to pick up her room, wipe down the bathroom sink if she left it a disaster. It's gotten SO much better over the years because she realizes that she might as well spit nicely in the sink so she doesn't have to clean it later.

We also set her (and siblings) up for success by having a place for absolutely everything, labeling, hooks for towels instead of a bar and routines.

I'm not psycho about it, but I don't agree with "her room, her mess." Instead we talk about chores as part of being part of a family unit, taking care of our belongings and respecting other people's time. I don't want my kids to mooch off their spouses when they grow up, but rather to pull their own weight.

I don't know if it worked well or not, but points to your mom for originality!

Following. My 7th grader is shockingly messy. Cleans her room and within 20 minutes it looks like she never touched it.

I also suspect some sort of ADHD, executive function, or well masked anxiety issues with her. She can hyperfocus on school, but lots of other things she can't keep her attention on.

I went through a messy phase too (couldn't see the floor of my room for an entire year) and my parents left me to it. I am now extremely tidy with one messy kid and one neat kid!

If they want their laundry done, they have to bring that to you (or do it themselves depending on house rules). They have to be able to find their books and hw. Everything else I'd leave them to it.

My youngest is in 8th grade and he's an absolute slob - clothes strewn everywhere, towels on the floor, top off the toothpaste, every toiletry on the countertop, drawers hanging open, etc. He's disorganized in other ways too, so I had him evaluted for ADHD and he did not meet criteria, but was dx with an Executive Functioning delay. As he rounds the corner into high school I think it's time I try to tackle this issue with him. Part of me is like - his room, his mess - but the fact is that it carries over to a shared bathroom (not currently shared b/c older sibling is in college, but will be again soon) and other areas in our home, and I don't feel like I'm doing him (or any future roommates/partners) any favors by not requiring more of him when it comes to picking up after himself.

Anyways, I'm open to thoughts and any suggestions. I went through a messy period in high school and my mom scooped everything into trash bags and I'd have to buy them back from her without knowing what was inside. That was just a phase for me as I was "too busy" to clean up after myself which is not what I'm experiencing with this kid. He's been this way for years.