Anonymous wrote:The attitudes on display in this thread are victim blaming and demonstrate a failure to understand the dynamics of DV.

I disagree that it's victim blaming. When someone is given all of the resources and support needed, and they as an individual to go back, it is an individual decision, especially when some of the more pressing things (like money) are provided for.

Anonymous wrote:The attitudes on display in this thread are victim blaming and demonstrate a failure to understand the dynamics of DV.

I don't think it is victim blaming. It is consternation as to why it occurs.

You appear to be an expert on the subject. Maybe you can educate the rest of us on what the dynamic is" Why do victims choose to return to abusers despite being given multiple opportunities to leave, permanently, with the full support of their family, friends and community?

The attitudes on display in this thread are victim blaming and demonstrate a failure to understand the dynamics of DV.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're sister is a battered woman and you're tired of hearing about it? Read Lundy Bancroft books. Educate yourself.

I'm aware. We have been supporting her for over a decade and a half. I'm not a professional.

I understand. It is very difficult to continue draining yourself emotionally and otherwise (financial help, resources help, etc.) only for the person to return to the same situation repeatedly. It's as difficult as dealing with someone who has substance addiction IMO.

Just like other addictions, there isn't much you can do unless and until the person decides they want to quit. From my experience, anyway.

Being a victim of domestic violence is not the same thing as being an addict. FFS. You people are sanctimonious and ignorant.

At what point do we say, "we have provided you with copious amounts of resources to help. the barrier is in you. we are unable to do anymore". That is when professionals are needed. Families can provide supports, but they can't change the mindset.

Exactly. There is a stage when a person MUST be responsible for their own choices especially when given all the resources necessary, to include a family willing to help. Especially if an individual does not or will not seek out professional help to find out why they are choosing to return or remain in an abusive situation.

I've had a family member who was abused violently. When it came to light, the family provided all the support necessary (and these were lower-income people at the time) and took in the woman & her 4 minor children until she got on her feet. She never returned to the abuser and divorced him.

I've also had a friend who had an abusive husband and she was provided the same...the entire family, friends and neighbors network got her out of the home into her own apartment, got her a well-paying job, provided her with her own car, furniture, etc.

Within months of leaving she had fallen under the spell of her abusive husband and the cycle repeated itself.

I really don't know what the difference was/is in these situations. Why do some women return? In my family member's case, I can only say that the husband was point-blank told by every man in the family (and some of the women) that if he ever came near or touched the woman again he would have the sh!t kicked out of him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're sister is a battered woman and you're tired of hearing about it? Read Lundy Bancroft books. Educate yourself.

I'm aware. We have been supporting her for over a decade and a half. I'm not a professional.

I understand. It is very difficult to continue draining yourself emotionally and otherwise (financial help, resources help, etc.) only for the person to return to the same situation repeatedly. It's as difficult as dealing with someone who has substance addiction IMO.

Just like other addictions, there isn't much you can do unless and until the person decides they want to quit. From my experience, anyway.

Being a victim of domestic violence is not the same thing as being an addict. FFS. You people are sanctimonious and ignorant.

At what point do we say, "we have provided you with copious amounts of resources to help. the barrier is in you. we are unable to do anymore". That is when professionals are needed. Families can provide supports, but they can't change the mindset.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're sister is a battered woman and you're tired of hearing about it? Read Lundy Bancroft books. Educate yourself.

I'm aware. We have been supporting her for over a decade and a half. I'm not a professional.

I understand. It is very difficult to continue draining yourself emotionally and otherwise (financial help, resources help, etc.) only for the person to return to the same situation repeatedly. It's as difficult as dealing with someone who has substance addiction IMO.

Just like other addictions, there isn't much you can do unless and until the person decides they want to quit. From my experience, anyway.

Being a victim of domestic violence is not the same thing as being an addict. FFS. You people are sanctimonious and ignorant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're sister is a battered woman and you're tired of hearing about it? Read Lundy Bancroft books. Educate yourself.

I'm aware. We have been supporting her for over a decade and a half. I'm not a professional.

I understand. It is very difficult to continue draining yourself emotionally and otherwise (financial help, resources help, etc.) only for the person to return to the same situation repeatedly. It's as difficult as dealing with someone who has substance addiction IMO.

Just like other addictions, there isn't much you can do unless and until the person decides they want to quit. From my experience, anyway.

Anonymous wrote:So you're sister is a battered woman and you're tired of hearing about it? Read Lundy Bancroft books. Educate yourself.

I'm aware. We have been supporting her for over a decade and a half. I'm not a professional.

You point it out to them, explain that they should seek out a psychological diagnosis because clearly they suffer from something (ADHD, high-functioning autism, anxiety, depression being the most common), and a diagnosis will inform the necessary therapy work they need to do.

And then go on to say that unfortunately you don't have the bandwidth to be their therapist. You are not a professional, and you've got a limit to how much you can absorb.

Anonymous wrote:“I love you and want the best for you, but I can’t be the person who supports you through this.”

This. Detatch with love so you don't enable.

So you're sister is a battered woman and you're tired of hearing about it? Read Lundy Bancroft books. Educate yourself.

"You should probably find someone else to vent to. I love you- yet I don't understand why you keep doing the same things despite being forewarned. And you don't understand how I am able to predict what will happen every time and why I am exhausted at hearing the same things happen every time. Have you thought of therapy? I can try to look for good recommendations if you are interested."

“I love you and want the best for you, but I can’t be the person who supports you through this.”

You aren’t their therapist
Stop entertaining- advise them to seek
Professional help - you aren’t it

What do you do when your sibling makes the same mistakes over and over and over again. They get mad at you when you point out their mistakes and what needs to happen (like stop talking to your abusive ex). And then when sh** hits the fan, they come to you to vent and emotional support? I hate I'm being put in this position.