I'm not sure that I was the golden child (and I definitely didn't WANT to be), but compared to my sister I was. She straight up fought my parents for 18 years and made their lives hell. They couldn't force her to do any chores, so I had to pick up all the slack. My parents sanity and marriage was barely hanging on, so I had to be the good one. I definitely do blame her. She is still difficult, but luckily lives her own life. She still stirs up trouble on family vacations and holidays and I still have to keep the peace. It wasn't a role that I wanted to play in my life. I do try to raise my kids differently and more equally. I'd never let one of them suck all the oxygen out of the room the way my parents let my sister.

My sister and I don't talk (she's difficult and would punch me still), but I know she blames me parents more than she blames me.

OP, you can’t fix your sibling’s relationship with your parents or the situation you were both in as children. Your sibling should not be blaming your for your parents’ actions.

That said, it sounds like you are only just now realizing that you were the favored child - “in hindsight.” So you were oblivious or ignored your sister’s feelings and the effect it had on your relationship after years of her feeling that way. And now your answer is to “let” her shoulder most of the burden of taking care of your parents and carrying out family responsibilities.

You need to let her know you now, after many years, see how unequal things were when you were kids. And you need to try to make things more equal going forward - including taking on half of the family responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to keep trying to prove she is just as good as you.

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

As someone who has been in a similar situation, to the favored it doesn't necessarily feel that way, because it came with high expectations and pressure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Thank you! I really appreciate this. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I realize that's how my post came across. I just want to fix it and I don't know how. Again I've heard a lot of this second hand from other relatives so I will try to ask her more questions myself and really listen and validate. Hopefully that will help.

I wouldn't bring it up unless she does. It isn't your job to "fix it." You can't fix it. You also don't have to apologize for someone else's actions. Your sister needs therapy. If a relative mentions it to you, just say, I love my sister. I wish our parents hadn't treated me differently. If your sister mentions it to you just listen. Tell her you love her and wish your parents had not shown favoritism. Tell her that you understand the damage it has caused and that you are consciously working toward not playing favorites with your own kids.

+1. OP, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you either. There's baggage that comes from being in your situation even if you're not outwardly venting about it like she is.

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

Agree with this (and want to check out this book now!), but I'm not sure why the siblings felt like less is OP's problem to solve, or even know exactly.

I come from a slightly larger family and we joke about how the youngest got all the stuff we older ones didn't- more attention, their own room, Catholic high school, and later curfew cause parents just didn't care anymore lol! And mostly we truly are joking and love our baby brother. But one of my siblings was envious of the Catholic school bit because they wanted to go and my parents didn't have the $$ at the time. Even with the best intentions I'm not sure you can ever be exacly equal when it comes to parental resources.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Thank you! I really appreciate this. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I realize that's how my post came across. I just want to fix it and I don't know how. Again I've heard a lot of this second hand from other relatives so I will try to ask her more questions myself and really listen and validate. Hopefully that will help.

I wouldn't bring it up unless she does. It isn't your job to "fix it." You can't fix it. You also don't have to apologize for someone else's actions. Your sister needs therapy. If a relative mentions it to you, just say, I love my sister. I wish our parents hadn't treated me differently. If your sister mentions it to you just listen. Tell her you love her and wish your parents had not shown favoritism. Tell her that you understand the damage it has caused and that you are consciously working toward not playing favorites with your own kids.

My sibling hates me because of perceived favoritism. I’m so glad I have an only child who will not have to deal with this.

Anonymous wrote:If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

Thank you! I really appreciate this. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I realize that's how my post came across. I just want to fix it and I don't know how. Again I've heard a lot of this second hand from other relatives so I will try to ask her more questions myself and really listen and validate. Hopefully that will help.

Posts like this should start with a family tree layout.

Anonymous wrote:
My grandmother had a favorite.. However, it was to compensate for her father who was a deadbeat..

Other sibling and I never took it personal..

I was my grandmother's favorite too, but I was also so the only one who wrote her letters and hung out with her when she visited so....

My grandmother had a favorite.. However, it was to compensate for her father who was a deadbeat..

Other sibling and I never took it personal..

I am in this situation and while it's certainly affected my relationship with my sister, I definitely blame my parents and not my sister.

If you read your post it’s very critical of your sibling, “perceived favoritism,” for example. You sound judgmental and a bit like you are gaslighting. I don’t know if that’s what you project to your sister, but if so, it’s not helping. It seems like you want to correct her not improve the relationship.

If you want to improve the relationship try listening, validating her emotions, and concentrating on her.

It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior?

I've always wondered this. My MIL was estranged from her half-sister for YEARS because she was resentful of their father's favoritism to half-sister, long after he was deceased. They eventually reconciled at the urging of their brother but DH and his siblings never knew their aunt growing up.

I was the oldest of 3 and, in hindsight, the sterotypical eldest daughter- responsible, did well in school, didn't get into trouble much. I don't remember as a kid feeling like the favorite, but my younger sisters thought I was and still talk about it, especially my middle sister. As in talks behind my back to other relatives about how it made her life so hard. WHen I recently met her new boyfriend, he greeted me with "oh! what a pleasure to finally meet the golden child!" As an adult, she is the only one who lives close to my parents and they've been able to help her in ways that they can't with me because of that (e.g., petsitting, housing after college, etc.) which is great! I don't begrudge her that at all. But she still seems to harbor a grudge against me for perceived childhood favoritism, and I'm at a loss of how to make it up to her. I feel like I've started to pull back on relationships with my family in general, to let her be the center and dicate family events. But that doesn't seem right either. ANyone BTDT?

As an aside, as a parent now it definitely makes me strive hard not to favor either kid. It's just a crappy burden to put on everyone involved.