Idk, I think confidence is a complex thing. I know people with very low self-esteem who are in bad relationships/have their own big issues who are socially dazzling and fun. Meanwhile, the quiet woman at the party might have a great private life and enriching personal hobbies that simply don't include socializing.

The way to develop it is become an expert.

If you don’t feel like you own the place, you need to spend more time there, watching, listening, asking questions, researching, so you feel “at home” there. Then you’ll feel confident telling people stories or introducing them to other people things.

Also, dress in a newer and “professional” way that makes you feel confident and safe, and makes people find you mildly attractive so they ask you questions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What helps me is being legitimately curious about people. Natural questions come up.

And if I’m not curious, I don’t need to chat the room. And I stop feeling pressure or guilt like I’m supposed to.

Anyway, the curiosity angle cured my lack of knowing what to say, and my internal pressure to feel like I always have to be “on” and interesting to others. Which was stressing me out, and I had not thought about it before.

Yeah, this. I AM curious about people. So the conversations usually feel purposeful and not 'small'. I also consider myself somewhat introverted/reserved. But I can talk and work a room.

Same here! I am probably overall more of an introvert and love my down and alone time but meeting new people or seeing people from the community feel like fun learning to me. I ask people about themselves because I like to find out what's happening. I wouldn't want to do parties all the time but I enjoy them when I attend.

I’m very friendly and can talk to anyone, but I’m not confident.

I fake it by pretending I’m someone specific who is confident- either a bubbly cousin, a character in tv, whatever. I channel them. Also I practiced small talk on hairdressers for years to get decent at it.

Yes the questions part is key. Have like 5 easy ones at the top of your head. You don’t have to tell anyone anything!

Anonymous wrote:What helps me is being legitimately curious about people. Natural questions come up.

And if I’m not curious, I don’t need to chat the room. And I stop feeling pressure or guilt like I’m supposed to.

Anyway, the curiosity angle cured my lack of knowing what to say, and my internal pressure to feel like I always have to be “on” and interesting to others. Which was stressing me out, and I had not thought about it before.

Yeah, this. I AM curious about people. So the conversations usually feel purposeful and not 'small'. I also consider myself somewhat introverted/reserved. But I can talk and work a room.

What helps me is being legitimately curious about people. Natural questions come up.

And if I’m not curious, I don’t need to chat the room. And I stop feeling pressure or guilt like I’m supposed to.

Anyway, the curiosity angle cured my lack of knowing what to say, and my internal pressure to feel like I always have to be “on” and interesting to others. Which was stressing me out, and I had not thought about it before.

Yup, you can develop it. I’m able to do it, despite having social anxiety.

What I learned to do:

1. Vary the pitch, cadence, and tone of your speech. I have to consciously do this because I get monotone from the anxiety.

2. Imagine a character or person you know and act like them. I have a specific movie character I pretend to be.

3. Honestly you can get through 90% of a conversation just by repeating the last few words a person says. Example:

Larla: I’m so tired, I barely slept last night!
You: oh no! You barely slept last night?
Larla: yea the baby was kicking me in the ribs all night
You: kicking you in the ribs, omg, I remember those days!
Larla: yea, and then she was ready to party at 3am
You: Oh man, she’s up partying at 3am?
Larla: yup, I don’t even know how I’m functioning right now
You: well you look great! Tell me your secret, how ARE you functioning because I can’t even tell you were up all night!
Larla: Coffee, just lots and lots of coffee.

I think some of us are just extroverted. I look people in the eye and I smile at people. I can't help myself. People tell me their life story while we are waiting in line or on a plane. I'm happy to hear about them.

I can't fake it. I finally just decided I am never going to feel at my best in group settings.

Overly friendly people are often lacking in confidence, hence the front they put on to gain your trust and confidence.

I am shy AND friendly, with a diagnosed anxiety disorder. So I never work the room, but I try to find someone I know, and chat with them, and while they chat with their friends, I talk to their friends too, until after years at the same place, I can chat with lots of people, because we've been introduced and I recognize them. All friends of friends of friends. And when I say friends, they're really just friendly acquaintances I see solely at school functions.

When I was in a public-facing role, I did my best to engage complete strangers, but it was nerve-wracking. What helped was having a speech and a work goal, smiling and being entirely non-threatening and friendly. It made people smile back and not move away immediately. They'd engage for a few minutes, and some even agreed to donate or otherwise get involved.

But I find I cannot work a room when it's just for non-professional small talk: it's not for me. However the aforementioned "sidling up to people I recognize" has been a successful method for me! I often don't remember their names, which is why I'm a big fan of name tags, but I always remember their faces. I ask after their kids, their vacation plans, or we talk about current events (politics are tricky) or the reason why we're having the school function, etc...

It's partly extroversion. A personality tendency.

It can be faked. It takes practice.

I went to a school charity event last night. I went to support my kid's school, but the entire thing just filled me with dread -- the small talk, the mingling, the being "on" and trying to think of something to say. I went with my neighbor (kids in the same grade), and I watched her move around the room so effortlessly, hugging people, chatting, just ... being able to say stuff? Is this a skill that can be developed? Is it genetic? I found it so tough and draining. I mainly talked to one other friend from my child's class, but I'd really love to branch out and talk to more people and make more connections, but I don't even know where to begin.
Is it confidence?
Stamina?
I just don't even know. Help?