Well he either willingly gives it up, gets a nanny or changes jobs. You could have right of first refusal for babysitters.

How hung up are you on an official arrangement? My ex and I have no custody outlines beyond “father has child on weekends and holidays”, my ex seems to think we are 50/50 on paper, and I can have the kid any time I want.
We did default with agreement so no court battles or anything.
Honestly I'd put whatever you both want in the agreement and not deal with the court. unless of course your main goal is to extract more money from ex.

I received primary custody in a strongly 50/50 fathers rights states. aexH travelled 80-100 nights a year and I was primary parent to three kids 11 and under since birth. He got every other weekend and one off week overnight.

50/50 with a right of first refusal, for when a parent travels or works late (or “works late”).

Talk to him and tell him you want a divorce and ask him what he wants for custody. Is he willing to step back in his career (and affairs) and do 50-50?

Op: who are you? what’s all this parent
a and parent b stuff

can you be clear ?

Is this your style ?

Doesn’t matter. I know a dad who s advised his daughter and still got 50/50.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice. I do not think spouse truly wants 50/50, but also think spouse cant imagine not appearing as if 50/50 was wanted.

One thing that we did in our family is figure out ways to make offers that let the parent that wanted less save face, and that gave them things that were important to them.

OP here. Thanks for the advice. I do not think spouse truly wants 50/50, but also think spouse cant imagine not appearing as if 50/50 was wanted.

If your spouse and you agree on a different split, it’s fine. That what my ex and I worked out (he travels a ton).

I think that in cases B and C, the question is whether he wants 50/50.

Some parents who were less involved pre-divorce step up and do well with 50/50. Other parents are not interested in taking on 50/50.

In my family, we have had two divorces in the past few years. Neither ended up with 50/50 because in both cases one parent didn't want it. In one of those cases (mine) he wouldn't have gotten it anyway, but in the other case, the only reason it's not 50/50 is because one parent wasn't interested in it.

So, my situation is 50/50. In my case, my state does presume it and both parents are pretty involved so it's going great for us and our kid. However, in the cases of b&c, sometimes parents can negotiate more time perhaps for maybe less child support? I mean that might sound like it sounds but but parents can negotiate child custody even in a 50/50 state. So for example, if one parent does not want weekday nights, perhaps they could do every other weekend with a midweek dinner. Probably the best thing to do is to try to negotiate. I don't think a judge is going to care about like attending bedtime or whatever, I think you really should try to negotiate.

Anonymous wrote:Even alcoholic and absentee parents still get 50/50. It’s a huge bar and nothing you describe would move the needle. Just accept 50/50 on paper and offer to take more time unpaid. It’s what all the primary parents do.

This was my understanding just from what I've heard in real life. But a couple of attorneys told me I should get majority custody. I'm skeptical.

Even alcoholic and absentee parents still get 50/50. It’s a huge bar and nothing you describe would move the needle. Just accept 50/50 on paper and offer to take more time unpaid. It’s what all the primary parents do.

I live in a state that default is 50/50. I have sought legal advice but I'd also like to hear real world experiences because the few lawyers I consulted were a bit all over the place.

Does anyone have experience negotiating via settlement/mediation or receiving in court something greater than 50 percent (but less than 100--not asking about situations where the other spouse is entirely unsuitable) in the following scenarios which reflect the status quo pre-split:
A. Spouse A is primary caregiver (and handles all things related to schooling, doctors appointments, camps, child-related household management), both Spouses work, and Spouse A has the more flexible work schedule.
B. Spouse A is primary caregiver and Spouse B often works late nights or frequently travels for work. (Average number of bedtimes Spouse B attends per week is 2, and does not participate in the morning routine).
C. Spouse A is primary caregiver and Spouse B chooses to come home after bedtime most nights because of work-related (optional) social outings, spending time with friends, potential affair, and generally preferring to outsource chunks of weekend time and bedtime to Spouse A or a babysitter.

The difference between B and C is to understand whether the purpose of a Spouse's physical absence from parenting is relevant (job requirements vs. social/lifestyle choices).