Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

How do you stay married to someone against their will?

It takes 2 to have a relationship/marriage. If one wants out, it's best to move on. Figure out what's best in terms of finances etc. I would do some internal healing and get on with the rest of my life.

Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

Anonymous wrote:You cannot work this out. Accept it and lawyer up!

You do not know OP at all !

Terrible advice.

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he is ready to try therapy, meeting clergy or taking a trip so you two can give it one more try before calling it quits.

If you really want to save this marriage, ask him what would change his mind.

If nothing works, then let it go. You'll survive but you'll know why he asked and you'll know that you tried your best.

No. Someone who has asked for a divorce has thought about it for a long time. He's not going to change his mind. Don't drag it out with therapy. He's probably having an affair and already checked out.

Get your friends or family involved. Sometimes they can mediate or help make the process more sensible highlighting points neither of you can see due to personal involvement.

Anonymous wrote:I have been having a meltdown since he told me and I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any good marriage advice in addition to going to therapy ?

I am not being flippant. See a lawyer. He told you he wants a divorce. Take him at his word. Make some appointments immediately. The rest of your life is at stake.

You can still try therapy etc. but you must see a lawyer and learn the facts about your rights

Ask him if he is ready to try therapy, meeting clergy or taking a trip so you two can give it one more try before calling it quits.

If you really want to save this marriage, ask him what would change his mind.

If nothing works, then let it go. You'll survive but you'll know why he asked and you'll know that you tried your best.

You cannot work this out. Accept it and lawyer up!

I’ve been in your shoes and for a couple of weeks just keeping nmh act together was a real effort. I lost 10 pounds, couldn’t eat (never happens), had a constant pit in my stomach, couldn’t sleep…. I’m sure you know the feeling. But, with time (and being separated and barely speaking) it gave me the space to step back and look at my marriage through a different and more detached lenses. I ended up realizing that i felt really relieved during the separation and in those first couple months i went from feeling blindsided and betrayed to feeling better than i have in years. Of course divorce stinks and is a totally awful time, but the stress of tiptoeing around an a-hole for decades is awful too.

I highly recommend the following:
- personal therapist ASAP
- figure out how to make calls to lawyers without him knowing (work phone, burner app, etc)
- consult at LEAST 3 divorce attorneys
- have a financial plan - do you have a separate bank account? How would you pay for a lawyer? Make sure you have a credit card that he doesn’t know about
- loop in a few close friends and family members, you’ll need people to lean on
- start snooping as much as possible to see if there’s an AP involved. Knowledge is power. It sucks, but you need to know

Can you separate for a year and work on it together? It sounds like he surprised you and gave you this gut punch news. I’m sorry. That’s awful.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry.

Divorce isn't so bad. Staying with someone who doesn't love you is worse

This.

I'm sorry.

Divorce isn't so bad. Staying with someone who doesn't love you is worse

Get a lawyer and file first.

I have been having a meltdown since he told me and I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any good marriage advice in addition to going to therapy ?