The "mental game" can be just as important as the physical game. There are therapists/coaches out there that focus on this for athletes. Maybe something to consider?

I have not explored this in depth in DC metro area, some some examples:
https://elitecompetitor.com/elite-mental-game (focused on girls' development, but boys can enroll too)
https://www.readysetmindful.com

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. I have 2 college swimmers. Swimming is brutally honest about your performance because the clock doesn’t lie. It’s also quite common for swimmers to go months or years without improving their time. Lots of “lessons in disappointment.”

My oldest tells me the trick to making it in this sport is learning to enjoy the ride. You have to accept the ups and downs as part of the sport and not let it ruin your love for the sport. The disappointment and frustration is real. The questions are, what do you do with those feelings? do you let them control your behavior? And do you love the sport enough to embrace those feelings? They come with the territory.

Thank you for this. I actually cut and pasted it in my phone notes to use as talking points with my kid. This is spot on

Just spoke with my freshman son. He says the trick for him was to build up the other aspects of his life so he was more well-rounded. His friends in HS were not swimmers, he invests in other interests (for him having friends who are into golf and fishing was helpful and a job that was not swim coaching). Make sure you are not all about your sport.

DD is an elite-level high school aged soccer player with ADHD and plenty of anxiety. She's someone who finds long term goals more stressful than motivating, so it' more about pointing her in the right direction and then making baby steps. I often tell her to stop looking at the top of the mountain (college, national championships etc.) and just look at the patch of dirt in front of her. Don't get overwhelmed by the grandiose "might bes" at the cost of small progress now.

We also talk about how to block the self-criticism. My newest thing with her is that she needs to stop listening to her gut, because it's wrong. Listen to what coaches, parents, etc. say if you know your internal compass is broken and set to chewing on your mistakes.

This may be the opposite of best practices, but its working for us!

Anonymous wrote:Op. I have 2 college swimmers. Swimming is brutally honest about your performance because the clock doesn’t lie. It’s also quite common for swimmers to go months or years without improving their time. Lots of “lessons in disappointment.”

My oldest tells me the trick to making it in this sport is learning to enjoy the ride. You have to accept the ups and downs as part of the sport and not let it ruin your love for the sport. The disappointment and frustration is real. The questions are, what do you do with those feelings? do you let them control your behavior? And do you love the sport enough to embrace those feelings? They come with the territory.

Thank you for this. I actually cut and pasted it in my phone notes to use as talking points with my kid. This is spot on

Op. I have 2 college swimmers. Swimming is brutally honest about your performance because the clock doesn’t lie. It’s also quite common for swimmers to go months or years without improving their time. Lots of “lessons in disappointment.”

My oldest tells me the trick to making it in this sport is learning to enjoy the ride. You have to accept the ups and downs as part of the sport and not let it ruin your love for the sport. The disappointment and frustration is real. The questions are, what do you do with those feelings? do you let them control your behavior? And do you love the sport enough to embrace those feelings? They come with the territory.

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid like this, age 10, and debate if removing him from the sport would be best. The intensity and anxiety seem so unhealthy. But he loves playing and is quite good when he remains in control. I am also at a loss for what's best.

Op. Oof, my kids intensity started later than this. He’s in high school now, heading to college and wants to play there. The upside is our kids have something they love doing that is healthy (mostly)

I have a kid like this, age 10, and debate if removing him from the sport would be best. The intensity and anxiety seem so unhealthy. But he loves playing and is quite good when he remains in control. I am also at a loss for what's best.

Anonymous wrote:It would be good to know how OP’s child directs all these strong emotions. At themselves? At their parent(s)? At others?

Assuming the child is acting out and needs to be punished is putting the cart before the horse.

Kids are allowed to be upset. I wouldn’t tell someone their emotions are unacceptable. But they do need to learn - and be taught - how to handle their emotions. It’s in their best interests in the end.

Op. I’m just catching up. No, I am definitely not going to punish him. That would be sadistic. He’s not acting out with his team or coach, it’s mostly just pressure on himself when he doesn’t perform like he wants. And then massive anxiety going into a big event. He takes it out at home at times by being snippy and short tempered, but mostly it is against himself.

It would be good to know how OP’s child directs all these strong emotions. At themselves? At their parent(s)? At others?

Assuming the child is acting out and needs to be punished is putting the cart before the horse.

Kids are allowed to be upset. I wouldn’t tell someone their emotions are unacceptable. But they do need to learn - and be taught - how to handle their emotions. It’s in their best interests in the end.

There are situations where acting as a therapist is appropriate and situations where doing so just indulges unacceptable behavior. I don’t know your particular situation but I would strongly consider whether a response along the lines of the below might be more beneficial.

“This is a sport. It is intended to be fun. I understand that you are frustrated (or whatever) but your response is over the top and unacceptable. If you are going (get this upset, throw your glove, be a jerk to the family for the rest of the day, fixate on what you think your coach did wrong, etc.) it shows me that you are not able to handle (this sport, this level of competition, etc). You need to pull yourself together or (logical consequence: dropping sport, missing next game to reflect, removing self from situation until you have an handle on your attitude, etc).”

A kid on my son’s team was like this. Got very emotional at every little thing that didn’t go his way. Coach and kid’s dad decided the next time it happened he’d be pulled from the game. That happened twice and kid shaped up.

Similar to a kid with anxiety, if you counsel your kid on every little thing and react to their reactions you are likely inadvertently feeding the beast. If you make clear they are overreacting and you won’t tolerate it you are teaching that these perceived slights and frustrations aren’t all that.

Of course. I've been my autistic son's "therapist" ever since he was a toddler. Now he's 19. It's part of your job as a parent. If you feel you need extra help, an actual professional might be useful, but your parent perspective will always be essential. It doesn't matter whether it's a specifical issue with sports, or music, or an actual mental health diagnosis that impacts their life generally: the parent is the primary coach, narrator, therapist, whatever you want to call it. Some kids require more of that psychological or socio-emotional support than others.

I mean strong feelings that they then get a handle on/don’t take out on others I would chalk up to temperament and not worry about much.

On the other hand if they’re acting like a jerk to refs or teammates they deem to have “messed up” I would shut that right down-as in, you miss the next game if you do that and you keep doing it you don’t get signed up next season. Unacceptable behavior js still unacceptable even in the context of club lacrosse or whatever-if you would be aghast at your child behaving like this at a quiz bowl team you should be aghast at sports too and respond accordingly.

How old is your child? I would have little patience for their antics. The sport is supposed to be fun.

What sport

Any advice?

I have more than one dc, but only one who takes sports so so seriously. Anxiety, intensity, anger, frustration, tears. And then some joy. But a lot of the former. I don’t know how to handle it. The intensity scares me at times, especially because realistically there is a ceiling for dc in this sport.

Anyone btdt?