Pay him for grades.

Some kids - especially boys - need external incentives because they like to be defiant.

I suspect my older son will need this monetary motivation in HS. Super unfocused and defiant.

My younger son's personality is so different and will be self-focused.

Anonymous wrote:This is a common problem with young men right now. Watch his exposure to video games and chat rooms. Young men are being exposed to a ton of harmful messages about their self-worth and blaming it on others (especially women).

Understand that the messaging and radicalization they’re exposed to is no different than what created ISIS or other terroir organizations.

Plenty of those harmful messages are seen here on DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford it, why would you consider college a waste or coasting? Surely you know there are benefits beyond academic dedication. He says he's not depressed because he's not sorrowful about something specific but it sounds like he is and doesn't realize it.

He says he not his depressed. His therapist says he’s not depressed. Now anyone with less than perfect grades is depressed? Sounds to me like he’s tired of his mom hounding him.

Aw, what about him do you think is great? If we can’t tell you love him as he is, he can’t.

If you can afford it, why would you consider college a waste or coasting? Surely you know there are benefits beyond academic dedication. He says he's not depressed because he's not sorrowful about something specific but it sounds like he is and doesn't realize it.

Good lord, OP. He’s 16. 16 year olds are supposed to be dopey and flaky. Back off and give him a chance to figure himself out. It might take a while! And stop comparing him to other teens in your affluent areas—a lot of them are just marching mindlessly along the path their parents lay for them.

Yeah OP - I think we are living in parallel lives with my 15 DS too! Although he does have ADHD and dyslexia but his academics are great, it's his effort in homework that drags him a whole grade down, ugh.

I don't know the secret sauce but let me know when you find it.

I suspect it's gonna have to be time. My other kid is all about college and she's only 13. Drive is something really hard to develop - you either have it or you don't. I did. My husband never did. I did before I had kids however. Esp in my 20s. I don't know that I had it in my teens. I had it more in my late 20s. You have to somewhat be able to visualize your path and that starts with doing something you really love/well. For me, I got a taste of career success and I wanted more because success breeds success. It's the first step that really is the hardest. Once you get a taste of it, the drive is automatic.

My plan for my son is to do everything I can to continue giving him opportunities. So for summer (we have a long one in private school), I've set him up for college sleepaway programs exploring subjects he is really interested in. Maybe it'll click for him, maybe it won't but I'm going to keep trying to help him find that niche he either loves or comes really easy for him and he enjoys it because it's not "work." It may come this summer, it may come senior year, it may come in his 30s or it may never come. It's completely out of our control however and I disagree with PP that it's because these are "spoiled" kids who need fear put into them.

If they are failing all their classes, for sure they need to be put in their face. But if they just have a lack of drive to really do "well" and want for themselves the "best" and be the "best" they can be? That's because they haven't found a path yet.

There are a lot of people who don't find their calling until they are older, they are called late bloomers I believe. It's a crapshoot, because some don't ever find it. But all you can do as a parent is have faith, keep trying to motivate but know that it's really out of your complete control. And keep in mind, people also fizzle out at any age. I remember a client in awe of me at age 31 building my business while he was working as Partner in his and how he wished he had my passion again. But you know now I'm 52 and I would look at myself back then the same way.

People don't change their nature but they certainly change their habits.

This is a common problem with young men right now. Watch his exposure to video games and chat rooms. Young men are being exposed to a ton of harmful messages about their self-worth and blaming it on others (especially women).

Understand that the messaging and radicalization they’re exposed to is no different than what created ISIS or other terroir organizations.

OP, Re: college, how are his grades? If they are decent, I don't think not paying for his college is a good way to handle this. He might grow up a bit in college.

However, (I'm a PP who said that he should get a job), you still should talk to him about finances and independent living. Hopefully, you have taught him how to cook and do laundry.

Anonymous wrote:Good times make weak men.

If he lives in Paradise, why would he want to change anything?
You need to put the fear of the world in him.

+1 we've told our teens how expensive it is to live like we do. We are pretty open about finances.

We have house rules, make them do chores, clean their room, put restrictions on phone use (when they were younger teens). In essence, we did not make their lives too comfortable at home. We have also taught them to cook, clean, do laundry, and talked at length about moving out when they get older and being able to take care of themselves, and that everything we have taught them was so that they can take care of themselves when they move out.

You need to have these conversations with your 16 yr old.

Anonymous wrote:My parents backed off. Let me know they weren't going to always be there for me. Forced me to go outside. Let me know that after 18, I was on my own if I wasn't in college. Made me get an afterschool job. Stopped coddling me.

+1 make him get a job.

Both my kids started working at 16. We stopped giving them an allowance around then.

BTW, one of them was in a magnet program and involved in some activities, so it's not like they had a huge amount of time on their hands.

Good times make weak men.

If he lives in Paradise, why would he want to change anything?
You need to put the fear of the world in him.

Met a girl and fell in love.

My parents backed off. Let me know they weren't going to always be there for me. Forced me to go outside. Let me know that after 18, I was on my own if I wasn't in college. Made me get an afterschool job. Stopped coddling me.

Yes, we are affluent but I’ve kept my kids grounded, they have been brought up with faith, family time, service work, friends, fun. They’ve also been exposed to realities of life - sickness, reading about and media news about those less fortunate and the homeless, world situations, etc. They’ve volunteered and gave had summer jobs.

We’re a proactive family about therapy, dealing with every kind of issue- anxiety , depression, learning disabilities. Yet, my son, 16 year old son is a lump on a log.

I ask him what he wants out of life what motivates him- he doesn’t know. I have to ask him specific questions- you like working outside? On computers all day inside? Work with kids? Do you want a hardworking life or a smoother, less stressful life. He’s slug-like with his responses.

I asked him, his therapist asked him- if he’s depressed, he says he’s not. He’s just “out there.” I don’t know what to do; he’s a good kid, no drugs, alcohol, has friends. Do I just accept he’s a flake? I don’t want to send him to college (if he can find one with his grades) to waste his/our time and money to coast an additional 4 years.

If you were like this, when did you wake up? What motivated you? What age? What are you doing now?