Anonymous wrote:If you pushed them, they'll resent that, if you didn't , they'll resent that. You can't win because finding the right balance isn't 100% in your hands.

+1 I've said before, parenting is like walking a tight rope. You are damned if you, damned if you don't.

Yes, OP.. my 19 yr old DS told me the same thing. I wanted to whack him. He told me that when he had a kid, he was going to make his children stick to those lessons, even if they hate it and cry. Uh huh. We'll see how that goes.

Anonymous wrote:If you pushed them, they'll resent that, if you didn't , they'll resent that. You can't win because finding the right balance isn't 100% in your hands.

I mean, this is the thing. People can’t live all lives and explore all paths and parenting approaches simultaneously. And we only go around once, so we can’t do it consecutively either. That means there’s always something to regret.

Maybe just articulating that — to yourself, and maybe to him too — would help.

My kids aren't adults yet, but just reflecting on music. I asked both my kids to try an instrument and both did so happily at first.

The older one chose piano. She's quite good at it, but hates to practice. I've been encouraging her to continue (now in 6th grade) even if she doesn't practice a ton. She plays a bit every day and I call that a win. She does enjoy music and playing, just not practicing, which I don't think is that unusual for 11 yo.

The younger one chose violin. She played for 2 years and practiced daily. She didn't hate it at first, but by the end of the first year she was pretty unhappy. We switched teachers and tried again. She was really terrible at it (even with daily practice and trying her best) AND hated every bit of it. She got no joy out of playing. Ever. I let her quit with zero remorse.

I'm sure some would let my older one quit and others would push the younger one to continue. I've tried to follow their strengths and separate out whether they dislike playing altogether or just practicing. I guess I'll see how they feels as adults.

Anonymous wrote:You pushed the pushable one and you can’t forever push someone with a high level of resistance. I have a kid who isn’t very persistent or stable in his interests. I get tired of pushing him.
You should tell your son you tried but he kept resisting so he is the one to blame for his own boringness. If he wants to learn golf he should spend some of his big paycheck on private lessons. What a whiner!

+1 I have one of each and my non push able DD16 now plays no sports or instruments. We have given up pushing her since it gets nowhere. I can imagine one day her questioning why we didn’t push her more, which would be ridiculous.

We introduced things that we had reason to believe our kids would enjoy when little, but never pushed them to continue.

One got very into a sport and is now playing in college. The other opted for music and STEM and continues with both.

We never believed that a kid has to play piano or the violin…in fact I hated being pushed into piano, so the one kid picked up the guitar and we were super supportive.

The only advice we gave our kids before allowing them to quit is that it takes a certain number of hours of “unfun” practice to get good enough at something such that it becomes enjoyable.

Our kid almost quit guitar but we assured him it gets much more fun once you know how to play the chords and can then more easily learn pop songs or whatever. He appreciated that we kept him playing long enough for that so he can now just pick it up and play some songs whenever he gets the urge.

Also, one developed some interests completely organically and we were happy to support their involvement.

It definitely takes two to tango — and you are lucky to have two different kids to illustrate that.
You did everything right (as your second kid is a great testament to that).

Just tell your first kid your side of the story (how he was resisting and hating the experience - the kids don’t remember many things from their early childhoods but we do!) and that it is never too late to learn all the things he WANTS to learn.

My teen ds told me this as he was applying to colleges. I told him there was no pushing him when he didn't want to do something when he was little, JUST like there isn't now. He was like oh, ok that makes sense. I told him to take that feeling of regret and channel it to "the now" and use it as a motivator to branch out, keep at it, be consistent, etc in all that he does or is interested in. At 18 his life and choices are largely his responsibility and he can start now so he doesn't look back in 10 years wondering why he didn't push himself more.

You pushed the pushable one and you can’t forever push someone with a high level of resistance. I have a kid who isn’t very persistent or stable in his interests. I get tired of pushing him.
You should tell your son you tried but he kept resisting so he is the one to blame for his own boringness. If he wants to learn golf he should spend some of his big paycheck on private lessons. What a whiner!

At a certain point the kid needs to bring some motivation to it, and if after a few years they are only pushing against it, it makes sense to stop. Imagine if you just kept pushing him year after year to do something he didn't like to do. At the middle school and high school level, that's almost impossible to do.

This reminds me of the tiger Mom book, where she pushed both her daughters equally hard, one thrived under pressure and the other one seemed to truly hate it and suffer.

It's very hard to know what to do with parenting and one is apt to mess up some things.

Every child is different. But, they have to grow up into complete and confident adults who have to manage their personal life, professional life and health at all times. Regardless of what kind of introvert/extrovert personality they have.

I think your eldest child may be depressed or lonely. He needs therapy to figure out what he wants out of life. I would suggest that he starts giving back to the world and find a passion project or cause.

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old oldest son and I had a long conversation yesterday, and he told me that he wished that I would have pushed him much harder into music and sports activities when he was younger.

I put him to take piano and guitar at the age of six, golf at the age of six, and tennis at the age of seven. It was a constant struggle with him from the age of six until he turned eleven, because he said to me that he hated them. He was really into academics and fought me every step along the way. I gave up on him about music/sports at the age of eleven. He graduated from an Ivy and is making a lot of money; however, he feels like he doesn't have anything else in his life. He wants to learn music and golf, but it is going to take a long time for him to learn. His dating life, according to him, is not that great either because, according to him, women are looking for guys with other qualities besides bringing home a big paycheck.

On the other hand, his 24-year-old younger brother was the complete opposite. He also started piano, music, golf and tennis at the age of six, and he took them very seriously until he left for college. He never complained about pushing him to do those things. He went to a state school and made so many friends there. He makes good money but his life, according to him, is very good. He plays sports and music with friends on most weekdays and weekends, and he also has a very busy dating life with a lot of women to choose from. He attributes that to how he was pushed by me as a child, and now he is benefitting from it.

​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

you should have ended it here. No one is a magician and can turn back time, if this were possible we all would and change things about our choices. why is he focused on YOUR choices but not HIS?

They are just different people. I’m sure you pushed a bit to try to get him not to quit, but he insisted. My older daughter, now 15, is similar in that she quit all activities, including piano, tennis and school clubs. However she loves to work at her part time job and make money. She also gets good grades and in her case, a good social life. I wish she’d take me up on music, skiing or tennis lessons, but no dice. I worry she’ll miss out on trips in college and opportunities to meet peers once she’s in her 20s, similar to your son.

Anonymous wrote:If you pushed them, they'll resent that, if you didn't , they'll resent that. You can't win because finding the right balance isn't 100% in your hands.

100%

If you pushed them, they'll resent that, if you didn't , they'll resent that. You can't win because finding the right balance isn't 100% in your hands.

My 26-year-old oldest son and I had a long conversation yesterday, and he told me that he wished that I would have pushed him much harder into music and sports activities when he was younger.

I put him to take piano and guitar at the age of six, golf at the age of six, and tennis at the age of seven. It was a constant struggle with him from the age of six until he turned eleven, because he said to me that he hated them. He was really into academics and fought me every step along the way. I gave up on him about music/sports at the age of eleven. He graduated from an Ivy and is making a lot of money; however, he feels like he doesn't have anything else in his life. He wants to learn music and golf, but it is going to take a long time for him to learn. His dating life, according to him, is not that great either because, according to him, women are looking for guys with other qualities besides bringing home a big paycheck.

On the other hand, his 24-year-old younger brother was the complete opposite. He also started piano, music, golf and tennis at the age of six, and he took them very seriously until he left for college. He never complained about pushing him to do those things. He went to a state school and made so many friends there. He makes good money but his life, according to him, is very good. He plays sports and music with friends on most weekdays and weekends, and he also has a very busy dating life with a lot of women to choose from. He attributes that to how he was pushed by me as a child, and now he is benefitting from it.

​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?