Anonymous wrote:Hes been like this the whole time?

OP here. It has gotten worse. I also think it bothers me now more than ever because we don’t have sex as often as we used to. So, when we do have sex, between a couple of weeks to a month, and it’s just penetration, it doesn’t make me feel good or satisfied. Then between those couple of weeks to a month, there is no affection. No kiss, no hug, no cuddle. That has changed. No, he isn’t getting sex anywhere before others will say. He never leaves the darn house. I need things in between sexual acts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

OP here. I can try to stand firm. Won’t lie, I will feel extremely guilty though.

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

I am OP. It is an issue now because I am 40, not 20 and ready to go. I need more time to get worked up, now, more than ever. No, I’m not as wet and ready to go as I am used to. I am aging. I am embracing it but I want him to embrace me and my body too. We used to have sex every other day. We are 40 now and it went to every couple weeks. It’s not unheard of for things to be an issue later on….

Start with a vibe, have him join for the ending. If he won’t give you some foreplay, give it to yourself.

Hes been like this the whole time?

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This.

Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

Anonymous wrote:I tried, for many years, to have conversations about foreplay. We have been together for 15 years. He is a ready and go type person. So he is full blown penetration right away. There is minimal affectionate for weeks before he decides he is ready to go and again, full blown penetration. I am getting to the point that I am making up excuses to not sleep with him. I get it, there are times that I need to just go for it and there are other things I can do. I do them. BUT what about me?!?? I need hugs, kisses, back rubbed, not all at once but every now and then. I need a tease. I get nothing. I tried to have conversations in the act, then outside of bed and he says ok, he gets it and does it maybe once but then back to his ways. Seriously, what do I do? I am getting older, I’m 40 and I want to be wanted not used. No, not considering divorce at all just tools that I can use to help this situation if anyone has been in it before. Not trying to make this super explicit either.

I just wonder how do you guys end up marrying men like this. Seriously I wouldn't seriously date a woman who comes in bend over and put her panties to the side for me to go in while it's all dry. No no no. I need it wet first and for that go happen we have to do the necessary preps touching kissing licking you know....

And sorry OP but your DH is not going to change. He is the type that has sex just to bust a nut. Sex should be more than that.

I get it. DH, who is the furthest thing from selfish in all other aspects of our life, is somewhat like this. I wish I could send him off to a three day “how to be a good lover” retreat. In his case, being somewhat prudish and uncomfortable talking about and experimenting with sex (thanks Catholic upbringing!) I think is a big contributor - as well as just not “getting” that some making out followed by penetration doesn’t work for me the way it does him. I also feel like if he were more confident about knowing how to please a woman he’d be more willing to change his ways. And yes, I’ve tried to have those conversations over the years, but see above about not being comfortable talking about sex. He’ll try, and has gotten a bit better, but yeah…

It took me way too long but some time around 40 I basically decided that if he’s getting off, I better be too - every time - which, not to get too explicit, meant not being shy about showing him/helping him make good things happen for me - usually after he finished but I’ve also been more forthright that I’m not ready in the beginning. At least I can tell he’s trying - but I would also welcome suggestions from others on this topic. I feel like my sharing his somewhat prudish upbringing, and not having many previous partners, has made it harder for me than it should be to address this.

Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

If he talks about it, but then keeps doing the same thing and getting his way, what's his incentive to change?

Set a boundary. Hold it. Make him level up or enjoy Rosie...

If you're not ready, the door is closed. Why are you letting him get his without making your needs/wants clear?

He sounds selfish af. What a jerk.

I tried, for many years, to have conversations about foreplay. We have been together for 15 years. He is a ready and go type person. So he is full blown penetration right away. There is minimal affectionate for weeks before he decides he is ready to go and again, full blown penetration. I am getting to the point that I am making up excuses to not sleep with him. I get it, there are times that I need to just go for it and there are other things I can do. I do them. BUT what about me?!?? I need hugs, kisses, back rubbed, not all at once but every now and then. I need a tease. I get nothing. I tried to have conversations in the act, then outside of bed and he says ok, he gets it and does it maybe once but then back to his ways. Seriously, what do I do? I am getting older, I’m 40 and I want to be wanted not used. No, not considering divorce at all just tools that I can use to help this situation if anyone has been in it before. Not trying to make this super explicit either.