People over 80 who are "happy" must not think about dying too much, must not have friends dropping like flies, must not be in pain. I would say the happy ones probably have dementia, not the unhappy realistic ones.

My dad is 77 He only retired like two years ago and has about three set activities each week. My mom was very high maintenance and hindered doing things (in a lot of ways) and she died in 2021. I think he likes being able to be retired, and live at a pace that's comfortable for him. He appreciates what he has.

The people I see who are happy are those that generally had a good natured attitude all along. They are active. They are generous with their time and with helping others. They cheer people’s accomplishments and take joy in the good fortune and happiness of others. They have good relationships with and reasonable amounts of involvement with their kids and grand kids. They do things with friends. They are not needy and don’t need others to solve their problems. They take pleasure in little things like growing flowers and a good cup of coffee.

My spouse and I are at retirement age (though haven’t pulled the plug yet) and I am really kind of focused on understanding this. I want to continue to be the people that our kids and nieces and nephews and all of their kids want to hang out with. And I want to love life as we age.

Our parents are not our role models for aging. And I do think the MAGA cult has really turned its cult members into negative people.

Not OP, but thanks everyone for your insight.

My mom was a sweet woman until dementia creeped in and she turned nasty and miserable. In retrospect I think the change in her personality was her way of coping with the changes, which she seemed to be aware of for the first few years. I realize now how hard life was for her when she was trying to navigate the world with a diseased brain. Since she’s been in memory care she’s back to her old self. I think the difference is that she knows what she’s supposed to be doing and she feels safe there. So it really could be dementia.

It seems hard to remain positive with the challenges of aging. Some are lucky or have a natural tendency to make the best of things.

Anonymous wrote:They probably have dementia. Everything you described is a huge red flag for it.

Be careful as this could be possible. My MIL personality changed and got very angry and frusterated as it progressed.

Anonymous wrote:They really need to take an anti-depressant. Convincing them of that is nearly impossible.

Different poster. So true and been there.

I find the happy elders in our families (DH's and mine) had a pleasant disposition from the start. They kept up hobbies and friendships and just aren't big complainers even though they have plenty of aches, pains, major and minor adversities. Both our mothers have always been highly entitled with a warped sense of empathy and they both lived pretty charmed lives in a lot of ways. They also were both obsessed with looks and their looks faded which drove them mad.

I have a close friend (coworker who retired) who is a little younger than mom. She has faced far more adversity than mom and has perspective and can enjoy the little things more. Sure she complains, but not in a "how dare the world do this to moi!" way. She has realistic expectation of her own adult kids and treats them with respect. It's just how she's wired.

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are 90 and 92. They still hike, have people over for dinner, MIL plays Pickleball etc. They are happy and active. They are obviously lucky with genetics but they have kept moving physically and are also very involved in their church. I’m not religious at all, but I feel pretty confident that their faith activity has been important to their longevity.

This is great to hear. Unfortunately I’m confident that my parents church and church friend group have turned them into stark-raving maga-tics. They became so bitterly angry under the oppression of the biden years. They’re a bit better now with. But still mad at biden. Also they grew an unhealthy television addiction to fox. I wish they’d spent that time out hiking and socializing.

The only people in my extended family who had personality shifts like that in later years had dementia. everyone else kept their same personality and interests to the end in spite of other physical set backs.

Did your parents have a personality change, or have they always ben this way?

My in-laws are 90 and 92. They still hike, have people over for dinner, MIL plays Pickleball etc. They are happy and active. They are obviously lucky with genetics but they have kept moving physically and are also very involved in their church. I’m not religious at all, but I feel pretty confident that their faith activity has been important to their longevity.

They really need to take an anti-depressant. Convincing them of that is nearly impossible.

They probably have dementia. Everything you described is a huge red flag for it.

My parents are 81 and 82 - and even with one having very significant health problems (and being very very upset about the state of the world), they are still happy, optimistic people.

I don't think it's anything they've done! I think it's really just who they are. My spouse makes fun that they think everything is "wonderful!" - he did not grow up with so much positivity and still finds it odd after a couple of decades.

It helps that both have good friends they spend time with, they travel (even with the serious mobility limitations), my mom is in a book club, my dad still does some work and golfs a lot.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your folks. Were they different when they were younger?

My dad has a hobby he is passionate about. Also, 30+ years on antidepressants!

My parents are 81 and 71. They are bitter angry miserable negative people. They live in a 2 million dollar home and had a nice life but eventually alienated most people due to their personalities. They attend church weekly, too.

For people this age you know who are still positive and grateful, what did they do in their lives to stay that way?