OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

After years of therapy ... I'm year three of zero contact with my mother. Best decision ever for me.

Protect your sanity. Do what's best for you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I finally had to come to the conclusion that my mother and stepfather were bad people. And that I didn’t want to be around them. No contact was the best thing for me with them. YMMV on that, cutting off parents is a huge thing and creates a big wound. But for me being without them was definitely better than having contact.

You never get over not having had the support of real parents. I think that follows you for the rest of your life.

As far as my real dad goes, my parents got divorced when I was five and he kind of disappeared. So my mother was bad and crazy, and my dad left me alone with a mother that was bad and crazy.

You don’t have to like them, but you should love and respect them.

Anonymous wrote:Your parents sound pretty great. I think your expectations may be too high - they don't need to be fascinating conversationalists. They're not your social outlet, or they shouldn't be. It's OK to listen to them describe a book they liked but you wouldn't read, and then tell them what you read, and move on.

This. I wouldn’t choose to be friends with my parents. We have little in common as people, but we have a shared history and on the whole they were great parents. They’re both in their 80s and I think much of my annoyance comes from characteristics of them being old and I hold myself to account on that front - I will one day be old and ramble about stuff too - how do I want my children to treat me? With grace and kindness.

OP, I could have written a lot of what you wrote. My parents, also immigrants, certainly experienced trauma in their upbringing (poverty, single parent/raised by grandparent, abuse etc) and I realize how that stunted their emotional maturity. It doesn't make their behaviors any less frustrating, though!

In my case, I realize that my parents are pretty self-centered and black-and-white thinkers. They're extremely fundamentally religious and judgmental. There's no room for nuance beyond what they believe. They are only interested in me as a person insofar as I conform to their views. My father is also a mentally ill hoarder with toxic traits but that's another story.

They made poor financial decisions their entire adult lives, with consequences such as our family being homeless for a time when I was a child. They are now in their mid-60s and separated, but my mom is currently very financially dependent on me and DH (while still doling out unsolicited advice constantly!). That has caused some resentment.

For me, this combination of factors has made me realize that while there's love and some good memories, and I appreciate that they instilled a love of learning in me, my relationship with my parents will never be close as they were/are unable to fulfill the needs of emotional and physical security.

I think for most people, the closeness they feel to their parents is about deep childhood connection. I am essentially estranged from my father, because he is just not interested in me and I got tired of trying to force a relationship. But the last time I saw him I remember holding his hand (he was sick in the hospital at the time) feeling so familiar and safe.

My mom and I are fairly close (they are divorced) and talk a few times a month at least and see each other once or twice a year. When we are together hugging her is so comforting to me and when we talk her voice, the rhythms of her speech and her response to things is all so familiar that it takes me right back to my childhood. I also to this day (39 years old) miss my mom every time I am sick.

So for most people I think the thing that makes the annoyances worth it are that these people feel like home to us. It’s kind of…primal? So they don’t need to be smart or interesting or fascinating.

I wonder if you and your parents just never bonded in that way.

I think a lot of “kids” have different interests than their parents. I’d be more surprised by families that have the same interests across generations than not.

Op, you need to lower your expectations and not put yourself at the center of this relationship. Feels like your parents are not doing anything wrong. They are just normal people, with normal people’s weaknesses. You could have more empathy and gratitude, thinking more about what they have done for you and for the family. They might be lonely, or really wanted to connect with you so they talk a lot. Looks like they have tried to meet you in the middle.
Myself is first gen in my 40s. I can totally see myself fit in some of your descriptions of your parents. And I can totally see one of my children have the same reaction as you when she grows up because she is very self centered. Everything is about whether she likes it or not. No patience for topics she is not interested in but expects people to pay attention to whatever she has to say. Otherwise we don’t understand her. My other child doesn’t have this issue as she is more empathetic and has gratitude towards parents . Same family, totally different dynamics of relationship.
How is your relationship with other people? Do you have lots of friends? My more self-centered kid has lots of negativity and has a harder time making friends. The other one is always cheerful and has lots of friends. Both of them are introverts. Though they have different personalities, we love both of them very much.

Your parents sound pretty great. I think your expectations may be too high - they don't need to be fascinating conversationalists. They're not your social outlet, or they shouldn't be. It's OK to listen to them describe a book they liked but you wouldn't read, and then tell them what you read, and move on.

My parents come from very damaged childhood homes. It's amazing that they've done as well as they have and raised me as well as they did, but they obviously did not escape without some big issues. I can love and respect them, and admire the effort, while keeping boundaries on certain things or being frustrated sometimes. We are all just trying to do a little better than the generation before.

My mom tells me she doesn't like me and gossips about me and says mean things. But then will act all nice another week. It's exhausting trying to please her. Your parents don't sound bad to me. Just different. If they were nice I think I could get over the differences. At least they aren't physically violent to me. There is always someone worse you could have.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, OP. I did not know how to set healthy boundaries until much later in life. We didn't do family therapy, and my parents did not really meet me half way. What I accepted was that they were flawed parents who loved me fiercely, and the strength of that love went a long way.

We had very different ways of looking at the world and I knew they didn't/wouldn't understand a lot of the things that moved me, just as I did not understand the things that made them tick (they carried trauma that's unique to their generation). Knowing and accepting this, I mostly spent time with them on their terms and did things that I knew would please them. Sometimes just sitting together in the same room while doing different things was enough, or sharing a nice meal together. My parents died when I had just become a mom myself. It was a very difficult time, but I think radical acceptance was the only way.

Hmm, let's put it this way. They irritate the heck out of me, but I love them deeply. I left my native land to come to the US in my early 20s and 2 decades later, am still very happy to visit once a year for 2 weeks. I Facetime every Sunday and we all share our news of the week. No idea what to do when they get all decrepit and need help. I sure as heck don't want to live with them again... but I will pay good money to surround them with care and I'll be devastated when they pass.

Family. What can you do.

I wanted to have a relationship with my parents so I accepted a lot and tried to bend to be whatever they wanted me to be. The expectations kept changing. I could create a pretty healthy relationship with my dad and with age he got more perspective.

After spending enough years helping my mother I realize I just don't like her as a person much, but I have love for her and will make sure she is as safe as she will allow. I had to finally step back completely and get hired professionals for everything because it was breaking my spirit and taking a toll on all of us. Seeing her lose her filter makes it worse. She is incredibly judgmental, entitled, mean-spirited and immature. There were some good qualities too that are eroding and she no longer has friends and my dad toning down her worst qualities. She is toxic when she goes off on one her anger benders hurling insults.

I navigate it with radical acceptance. I hate this and wish it weren't the case, but it is what it is and I will take the high road, but also protect myself, my kids and my husband. I have rock solid boundaries these days. I find warmth and connection with my husband and friends.

My parents and I hadn't had a close relationship for some time. They were typical immigrant parents, vastly overreaching, turning every conversation into an opportunity to give advice, and trying to control my life, so I pulled way back.

I really missed having good parental relationships, though. You only get one mom and one dad. It would make me really sad to see other people hanging out regularly with their parents and enjoying doing it.

So, slowly, my parents and I worked on our issues. We had a lot of conversations and even did family therapy. They are really doing their best not to judge or give advice, and to meet me halfway when we have different preferences or perspectives.

The problem? I don't think I like them as people. Speaking to them and spending time with them often annoys me - not because they are doing something bad or toxic, but just because of who they are. For example, they talk a LOT, going into excruciating detail about topics that don't interest me. We don't have much in common - they are excited to share what they are reading/listening to/watching, but I am really not interested in any of those books or movies or music. Politically, we disagree (we both vote Democrat, but they just have really odd perspectives on stuff that are like "old people logic" and not critical thinking). They often forget things or make frustrating comments or jokes. On the flip side, they also aren't really interested in the topics that interest me.

I really really want to make these relationships work, especially as we've all put so much effort into it, and all three of us want this. But I can't ask them to change who they are. How do people navigate this?