Anonymous
01/27/2025 07:46
Subject: Re:parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Until they have full on dementia, they can choose to do whatever they want. Old people aren't suddenly the property of or under control of their children. You don't have to participate in the risks they take. As long as they're not hurting anybody, what does this matter? Yes, your father may suffer a gruesome fall and you find them both deceased days or weeks later. But they would have left this world the way they wish. Not a slow, boring death in a nursing home, which is what is happening to my mother after my sister--who lived close by to her, then died unexpectedly months later--pretty much made her do it. Now I'm the only one left and I'm a 4-hour car ride away. So I have to drive 8 hours in a day once a month to go sit with her, not really quite clear if she even knows which daughter she's sitting with, for an hour, and she sleeps all day every other hour of every other day of her life. Not a way to live. She wishes she had died years ago.
Anonymous
01/27/2025 07:36
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Anonymous wrote:Another POV:
Your parents could crash and burn quickly or it could be long and drawn out;
It doesn't really matter what you and your siblings think or plan, your mom and dad, for now anyway, will be the ones in control who make any decisions;
You will all make the best decisions you can at the time with the information you have on hand. If any of you (them, you, all of you together) make a mistake, you will do what you can to fix it;
You cannot protect them from everything. You can guide, influence, suggest, and pick up the pieces;
What would you want your kids to do for you in this situation?
Chances are you and your siblings will want to be in control, but your parents will be the ones in control, as long as they can
OP, can you tell I've been there, done that?
It all comes down to freedom versus safety. It sounds like your parents are choosing freedom. Eventually the other shoe drops, and there's a precipitating event that forces change. Do your research and identify places/people in their area who could help eventually i.e. social worker, AL facility, other resources. That way you will be ready when the shoe drops.
Anonymous
01/27/2025 04:31
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Another POV:
Your parents could crash and burn quickly or it could be long and drawn out;
It doesn't really matter what you and your siblings think or plan, your mom and dad, for now anyway, will be the ones in control who make any decisions;
You will all make the best decisions you can at the time with the information you have on hand. If any of you (them, you, all of you together) make a mistake, you will do what you can to fix it;
You cannot protect them from everything. You can guide, influence, suggest, and pick up the pieces;
What would you want your kids to do for you in this situation?
Chances are you and your siblings will want to be in control, but your parents will be the ones in control, as long as they can
OP, can you tell I've been there, done that?
Your parents could crash and burn quickly or it could be long and drawn out;
It doesn't really matter what you and your siblings think or plan, your mom and dad, for now anyway, will be the ones in control who make any decisions;
You will all make the best decisions you can at the time with the information you have on hand. If any of you (them, you, all of you together) make a mistake, you will do what you can to fix it;
You cannot protect them from everything. You can guide, influence, suggest, and pick up the pieces;
What would you want your kids to do for you in this situation?
Chances are you and your siblings will want to be in control, but your parents will be the ones in control, as long as they can
OP, can you tell I've been there, done that?
Anonymous
01/27/2025 02:55
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
You know their finances. Siblings need to be on the same page. We did the research - went and visited places, knew exactly when move-in date could happen. Narrowed the list to 3. Took the non-denentia parent to look and listened to determine the best option. Don't think we asked, "do you want to move to this one?" Do not ask questions where the answer can be no. Parents were use to going away for the Winter (only with monumental help from family which was not sustainable) When there was resistance to AL we said, "maybe just for the Winter."
Get them placed first. The house gets sold later, if financially that can work. They get moved with only what they need. The rest can wait. Before moving my Dad (the one w/dementia) we had already set-up: his favorite chair, snacks on a table next to him, a huge (new) big screen tv turned to the golf channel. This is before he walked in for the first time. He walked-in and settled-in.
Once there for a few days, they liked the socialization. After a month or two they forgot that they ever had any objections - they thought it was their idea. They had this great idea ... Family visited almost daily. I could go on and on, but that's writing enough's for now. As I age, I could see choosing the AL where they lived. It was a good place with good staff. Several places were.
Get them placed first. The house gets sold later, if financially that can work. They get moved with only what they need. The rest can wait. Before moving my Dad (the one w/dementia) we had already set-up: his favorite chair, snacks on a table next to him, a huge (new) big screen tv turned to the golf channel. This is before he walked in for the first time. He walked-in and settled-in.
Once there for a few days, they liked the socialization. After a month or two they forgot that they ever had any objections - they thought it was their idea. They had this great idea ... Family visited almost daily. I could go on and on, but that's writing enough's for now. As I age, I could see choosing the AL where they lived. It was a good place with good staff. Several places were.
Anonymous
01/27/2025 02:00
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Can they afford assisted living? I think a daily caregiver may be a good idea. Sometime who can do their shopping, help around the house, do their laundry, tidy up, take them on a walk for exercise.
Anonymous
01/27/2025 01:09
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
The only success I have ever found is saying “If you choose to move (or modify the house and bring help in) then you maximize your autonomy and control. If you don’t make the choice, you will end up wherever there is a bed available.” If there’s any openness to moving schedule tours/viewings immediately. Keep emphasizing that you are facilitating maximizing independence. It hasn’t worked every time, but it’s the only thing that has worked.
It does sound like an evaluation is in order, and if you haven’t talked with Dad about POAs and finances, that needs to happen as well. I’m assuming Mom is not competent, but if she’s actually MCI and still competent, include her as well.
It does sound like an evaluation is in order, and if you haven’t talked with Dad about POAs and finances, that needs to happen as well. I’m assuming Mom is not competent, but if she’s actually MCI and still competent, include her as well.
Anonymous
01/27/2025 00:27
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
OP, I’ve lived it and there’s nothing I was ultimately able to do. The only thing feasible is to take their financial affairs under control (or it was in my case). Unfortunately my mother died almost alone (dad just froze and didn’t even realize she was dying). Luckily I was able to relocate my dad closer to me (my mother was the stubborn one).
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:38
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
I don’t know. Sometimes things have to play out the way they play out. They still have agency and you need to respect their wishes. Keep pressing for assisted living, and failing that daily help, and failing that grab bars etc. but there are limits to what you can do if they won’t listen.
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:33
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like they need an in home caregiver on occasion. Someone that can alert you about safety items that need addressed. Maybe help with shipping. Someone that can organize bills and make sure they’re mailed on time. This doesn’t sound like an AL situation. Old people sleep but it doesn’t mean you put them in a home.
This is not for a stranger on the internet to decide. An aging care professional needs to do a full evaluation.
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:32
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Definitely work on getting them to agree to an outside professional coming in to evaluate. Just a word of caution-there are a lot of businesses that promote aging in place. You want to make sure the person who evaluates understands that you are not able to be backup to an aging in place situation and you cannot come at a moment's notice for emergencies. Don't worry about appearing selfish. It's the same thing when a parent ends up in the hospital. They would gladly release a parent and have you do backflips, lose your job and destroy your marriage to help release mom to home. You need to make your boundaries clear with professionals to help push things along.
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:29
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Anonymous wrote:Elderly parents live in another state, several hours drive from DC. They insistently say they want to stay in their house "as long as they can". I think they are no longer safe in their home. They think they are fine.
I'm looking for any arguments you used with elderly family that convinced them to get more professional help / go into AL.
Or, if you took a tough love approach and insisted they get live-in care or go into AL, how did you approach it?
Mom has dementia. Dad has multiple serious ailments and is a fall risk. He still goes up and down the stairs regularly, even though he's a fall risk. Their home is such that they could convert to one-floor living with some rearranging, but they are not doing that. the railings on each set of stairs are old and not weight bearing, but they didn't want to install the grab-bar style railing because it was too expensive. I got them a life alert button to wear and press if you fall, but they cancelled it after a few months, didn't like wearing it.
They both fatigue very easily and sleep a lot of the time. They wake up late and nap during the day, falling asleep in their chairs. They are having trouble keeping up with bills, paperwork, etc. They have skipped dr appointments when they don't feel well on the day of (not ill, but fatigued), but then cancelling appointments over and over again meant that they did not see the heart dr for 2 years and no longer had prescription meds from the dr. because of it.
I definitely think they would be safest in AL. But I also understand their desire to stay in their home. they want to live their "normal" life, and they are choosing to wait until a crisis forces them to hire help /go into AL.
They need a nursing home or in home help. AL isn't enough with dementia. You are complaining about what they will not do but mentally they are not capable anymore and need more support.
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:23
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Yes, tough love is necessary. That doesn't mean they have to move tomorrow, but you can't just keep hoping that nothing bad happens. Because having to figure it all out in a crisis - after a bad fall, for example - is much, much worse. There are tons of resources out there; start with your local/city/state council on the aging (often goes by different names), educate yourself, find a pathway that will keep them safe as well as preserve as much of their dignity as possible.
I have a hard-charging sibling who forced the issue, and honestly I'm so grateful that he did because it meant that my dad's final years were safe and comfortable and actually much happier than he had been at the end of his time in his house of 40+ years.
I have a hard-charging sibling who forced the issue, and honestly I'm so grateful that he did because it meant that my dad's final years were safe and comfortable and actually much happier than he had been at the end of his time in his house of 40+ years.
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:18
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Call the dept of aging in their state, and find the appropriate agency to send a social worker to do an evaluation. We just did this with my parents. All 3 siblings completed a form with lots of questions ahead of time. My parents each had to complete the form independently as well. Then the social worker spent 90 minutes with my parents. In out case the social worker recommended to move to a continuing care place for a couple of reasons, but most importantly, as they aged, even if they brought in help, they would become more and more isolated, which would not be healthy for them. Safety is an issue as well.
Because it came from a neutral place, not me or any of my siblings, they were able to hear it and have started visiting the different continuing care places in the area
Because it came from a neutral place, not me or any of my siblings, they were able to hear it and have started visiting the different continuing care places in the area
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:08
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
It just sounds like they need an in home caregiver on occasion. Someone that can alert you about safety items that need addressed. Maybe help with shipping. Someone that can organize bills and make sure they’re mailed on time. This doesn’t sound like an AL situation. Old people sleep but it doesn’t mean you put them in a home.
Anonymous
01/26/2025 22:04
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Elderly parents live in another state, several hours drive from DC. They insistently say they want to stay in their house "as long as they can". I think they are no longer safe in their home. They think they are fine.
I'm looking for any arguments you used with elderly family that convinced them to get more professional help / go into AL.
Or, if you took a tough love approach and insisted they get live-in care or go into AL, how did you approach it?
Mom has dementia. Dad has multiple serious ailments and is a fall risk. He still goes up and down the stairs regularly, even though he's a fall risk. Their home is such that they could convert to one-floor living with some rearranging, but they are not doing that. the railings on each set of stairs are old and not weight bearing, but they didn't want to install the grab-bar style railing because it was too expensive. I got them a life alert button to wear and press if you fall, but they cancelled it after a few months, didn't like wearing it.
They both fatigue very easily and sleep a lot of the time. They wake up late and nap during the day, falling asleep in their chairs. They are having trouble keeping up with bills, paperwork, etc. They have skipped dr appointments when they don't feel well on the day of (not ill, but fatigued), but then cancelling appointments over and over again meant that they did not see the heart dr for 2 years and no longer had prescription meds from the dr. because of it.
I definitely think they would be safest in AL. But I also understand their desire to stay in their home. they want to live their "normal" life, and they are choosing to wait until a crisis forces them to hire help /go into AL.
I'm looking for any arguments you used with elderly family that convinced them to get more professional help / go into AL.
Or, if you took a tough love approach and insisted they get live-in care or go into AL, how did you approach it?
Mom has dementia. Dad has multiple serious ailments and is a fall risk. He still goes up and down the stairs regularly, even though he's a fall risk. Their home is such that they could convert to one-floor living with some rearranging, but they are not doing that. the railings on each set of stairs are old and not weight bearing, but they didn't want to install the grab-bar style railing because it was too expensive. I got them a life alert button to wear and press if you fall, but they cancelled it after a few months, didn't like wearing it.
They both fatigue very easily and sleep a lot of the time. They wake up late and nap during the day, falling asleep in their chairs. They are having trouble keeping up with bills, paperwork, etc. They have skipped dr appointments when they don't feel well on the day of (not ill, but fatigued), but then cancelling appointments over and over again meant that they did not see the heart dr for 2 years and no longer had prescription meds from the dr. because of it.
I definitely think they would be safest in AL. But I also understand their desire to stay in their home. they want to live their "normal" life, and they are choosing to wait until a crisis forces them to hire help /go into AL.