Anonymous wrote:My child is in sophomore year and I am seeing that she is becoming less motivated and not working strategically to raise his grades. On a one on one talk he said he just does not feel like studying hard. He was all As till 9th grade. Because it was easy for him. I can’t sit with him all the time to check on him not that he is distracted.
How many hours does your high achiever kid spend time on studies? What’s the strategy? How much is your involvement as a parent? Do you keep a check on what’s being covered in school? Are you checking if they are well prepared for the unit test? Seems like we are missing something or we just take it easy?

I didn't check on either after about 5-7th grade as far as due dates or homework or if they studied. I set high standards, went to teacher conferences, and encouraged them to go to help time at school if they were confused on a topic. I work 40+hrs a week so does DH. A true high achieving kid who is very gifted (98-99th%ile) does not need help, barring adhd. Mine are at two different ivies, unhooked, and 3.9+.They knew how to dig in when it got tougher (rigorous private), and took max course difficulty. Leave your kid alone and let them go where they go. T10/ivies happen if it is meant to be.

OP here. So would like to know how your highly motivated child study- constant revisions, studying in advance, math practice everyday? Any tips would be appreciated.

My high achieving 9th grader gets his work done without any oversight or help from me. I have no idea how much he studies, but it gets him all As at a private school where not everyone gets As.

My other child, in 12th grade, needs constant oversight and support and reminders and still gets Bs and Cs, at a school that bends over backwards to help students be successful.

Different kids need different things.

It has to come from them, op. As long as his grades are fine and he’s turning in assignments I wouldn’t micromanage-it really can hurt your relationship with your child.

I have a kid who is highly motivated about school and one who is a fine student but basically just doing what they need to do without breaking a sweat. They are equally smart. There is nothing on earth that could make my low key kid have the drive for academic gold stars that my other kid has naturally. They are teens now and both thriving (and I have a strong relationship with both.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's genetic, OP. You need to parent the kid you have, not the one you wanted to have.

My oldest has severe inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Even with meds, which greatly helped, it was very hard for him to focus and think through his homework within a reasonable timeframe. We twiddled at the margins with study skills, planner use, tutors for stuff he missed, but the reality is that he was born with a significant distractibility and slowness handicap. We had to sit next to him, redirect him, check if he'd missed any assignments, and issue reminders (ie, nag) all the live-long day. We tried to step back a bit for senior year, to prepare him for college. He's in college now and doing OK on his own, because he actually has a lighter workload than in high school. He takes the minimum credits every semester, and no double major.

My youngest has a high IQ, which compensates for mild inattentive ADHD, and also has a blessedly rapid processing time. She finishes her work in the blink of an eye and it's mostly correct, so she gets straight As without even trying.

Life is unfair.

This is cope.

This attitude is the reason why America is going downhill. Where is the growth mindset? The grit? The positive attitude? And no, using your ADHD or mild disability as a handicap is NOT okay.

I have inattentive ADHD, and my parents (poor immigrants from a country where education is the most important thing) pushed me very hard in school. I'm a doctor now and am much more financially secure than when I was a kid. But if I had used my inattentive ADHD (which, BTW, was only diagnosed my final year of med school, so I didn't rely on BS accommodations like a crutch like so many self absorbed DCUMers) as an excuse to not be pre-med or go to med school, I would have given up on so much.

Seriously, parent the kid you want! If the kid you have is not academically motivated, you NEED to light a fire under their asses so they can get moving. That's what happened to all of our family friends in our neighborhood (poor immigrant enclave of Queens), and almost all of us are smashing successes now.

PP you replied to. Frankly you're very stupid if you didn't understand what I was saying. We worked with our son for 18 years, got him tutors and an IEP in school, and medication and urged him to study and get good grades. Which he did, under all that pressure. We're Asian immigrants. We "Tiger parented" a child with special needs. Got it?

And in the end, he still has special needs. He nearly had a breakdown in senior year from all the stress.

This is why I tell OP: it's genetic. There's only so much we can do as parents. We pushed really hard and our son didn't magically lose the ADHD and all his other disorders. He got better grades, and learned more stuff. But he's still the same person he always was: a very sweet-natured, totally out-to-lunch kind of person. I say that with love. I have no idea what's in store for him in the working world. He will need to find a job where his idiosyncrasies are tolerated. We won't always be there for him: we are there to open as many doors as we can before we kick the bucket. The rest he'll have to do himself.

You have no idea, immature PP, of the severity of some of these disorders. Have some respect for what others have experienced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's genetic, OP. You need to parent the kid you have, not the one you wanted to have.

My oldest has severe inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Even with meds, which greatly helped, it was very hard for him to focus and think through his homework within a reasonable timeframe. We twiddled at the margins with study skills, planner use, tutors for stuff he missed, but the reality is that he was born with a significant distractibility and slowness handicap. We had to sit next to him, redirect him, check if he'd missed any assignments, and issue reminders (ie, nag) all the live-long day. We tried to step back a bit for senior year, to prepare him for college. He's in college now and doing OK on his own, because he actually has a lighter workload than in high school. He takes the minimum credits every semester, and no double major.

My youngest has a high IQ, which compensates for mild inattentive ADHD, and also has a blessedly rapid processing time. She finishes her work in the blink of an eye and it's mostly correct, so she gets straight As without even trying.

Life is unfair.

This is cope.

This attitude is the reason why America is going downhill. Where is the growth mindset? The grit? The positive attitude? And no, using your ADHD or mild disability as a handicap is NOT okay.

I have inattentive ADHD, and my parents (poor immigrants from a country where education is the most important thing) pushed me very hard in school. I'm a doctor now and am much more financially secure than when I was a kid. But if I had used my inattentive ADHD (which, BTW, was only diagnosed my final year of med school, so I didn't rely on BS accommodations like a crutch like so many self absorbed DCUMers) as an excuse to not be pre-med or go to med school, I would have given up on so much.

Seriously, parent the kid you want! If the kid you have is not academically motivated, you NEED to light a fire under their asses so they can get moving. That's what happened to all of our family friends in our neighborhood (poor immigrant enclave of Queens), and almost all of us are smashing successes now.

I don’t think you are a doctor. You couldn’t possibly be this ignorant; unable to distinguish between the different presentations of ADHD and how it impacts children differently. As if everyone has mild inattentive ADHD just like you. It would be laughable, if it weren’t so sad.

No parent involvement. Accept nagging to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

You have to follow your kid's lead. I have two and they are different. Kid #1 has never gotten anything less than an A, in HS or college. Very motivated. Don't have to do anything, this is how this kid is wired. I have stepped in to support this kid when needed, which was to support mental health at one point, and to get a tutor when the kid missed a lot of school for an illness.

Kid #2 is also very bright but not as motivated as Kid #1. Kid#2 also has ADHD. We have done a lot to support Kid#2's disabilities, including close attention to the IEP, communication with school as needed, tutor. I offer to help study (usually declined), monitor missing work, and ask/remind about studying for tests. And then I stay out of it unless I see grades dipping to the C category. That tells me something is wrong. But if kid is getting Bs and above because kid isn't the type to want to study all the time, well, that's the kid's business. Kid is happy.

Is it a boy or a girl? You use both pronouns in your first sentence.

Anonymous wrote:It's genetic, OP. You need to parent the kid you have, not the one you wanted to have.

My oldest has severe inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Even with meds, which greatly helped, it was very hard for him to focus and think through his homework within a reasonable timeframe. We twiddled at the margins with study skills, planner use, tutors for stuff he missed, but the reality is that he was born with a significant distractibility and slowness handicap. We had to sit next to him, redirect him, check if he'd missed any assignments, and issue reminders (ie, nag) all the live-long day. We tried to step back a bit for senior year, to prepare him for college. He's in college now and doing OK on his own, because he actually has a lighter workload than in high school. He takes the minimum credits every semester, and no double major.

My youngest has a high IQ, which compensates for mild inattentive ADHD, and also has a blessedly rapid processing time. She finishes her work in the blink of an eye and it's mostly correct, so she gets straight As without even trying.

Life is unfair.

This is cope.

This attitude is the reason why America is going downhill. Where is the growth mindset? The grit? The positive attitude? And no, using your ADHD or mild disability as a handicap is NOT okay.

I have inattentive ADHD, and my parents (poor immigrants from a country where education is the most important thing) pushed me very hard in school. I'm a doctor now and am much more financially secure than when I was a kid. But if I had used my inattentive ADHD (which, BTW, was only diagnosed my final year of med school, so I didn't rely on BS accommodations like a crutch like so many self absorbed DCUMers) as an excuse to not be pre-med or go to med school, I would have given up on so much.

Seriously, parent the kid you want! If the kid you have is not academically motivated, you NEED to light a fire under their asses so they can get moving. That's what happened to all of our family friends in our neighborhood (poor immigrant enclave of Queens), and almost all of us are smashing successes now.

Handcuff the kid to the radiator and feed him from the metal dog bowl until he recovers his “motivation”.

DD1 is high achiever, she did not take much time, and no need to micromanage or worry
DD2 with ADHD and no motivation is the opposite, no amount of nagging and micromanaging help much

It's genetic, OP. You need to parent the kid you have, not the one you wanted to have.

My oldest has severe inattentive ADHD and low processing speed. Even with meds, which greatly helped, it was very hard for him to focus and think through his homework within a reasonable timeframe. We twiddled at the margins with study skills, planner use, tutors for stuff he missed, but the reality is that he was born with a significant distractibility and slowness handicap. We had to sit next to him, redirect him, check if he'd missed any assignments, and issue reminders (ie, nag) all the live-long day. We tried to step back a bit for senior year, to prepare him for college. He's in college now and doing OK on his own, because he actually has a lighter workload than in high school. He takes the minimum credits every semester, and no double major.

My youngest has a high IQ, which compensates for mild inattentive ADHD, and also has a blessedly rapid processing time. She finishes her work in the blink of an eye and it's mostly correct, so she gets straight As without even trying.

Life is unfair.

I have a HS junior and a college junior. I didn't check on their work once they started high school unless they asked me for help with something.

My child is in sophomore year and I am seeing that she is becoming less motivated and not working strategically to raise his grades. On a one on one talk he said he just does not feel like studying hard. He was all As till 9th grade. Because it was easy for him. I can’t sit with him all the time to check on him not that he is distracted.
How many hours does your high achiever kid spend time on studies? What’s the strategy? How much is your involvement as a parent? Do you keep a check on what’s being covered in school? Are you checking if they are well prepared for the unit test? Seems like we are missing something or we just take it easy?