Anonymous wrote:
I am Op

When I say no effort I mean I never initiate, but honestly (please dont sugarcoat it) shouldnt SOMEONE have initiated something at first? Noone ever has. And im not unaware. People dont like me.

I shower everyday, smell nice, prioritize oral hygiene, Im not overweight. I am not a racist or extreme leftist. I know not to talk politics and I am not an annoying or rude person.

I am pretty sure that I am just not special. I am not worth something. People just dont care about me

Most people aren’t special. Make some effort and see what happens. Ask if someone wants to walk and pick up lunch at work. Start small.

Where are you looking for or getting valiudation from men? Online?

It doesn't sound like you really interact with people. I am sure people have initiatiated conversations with you...but then you have to do your part to stay engaged and continue the conversation. And that is just to get started interacting.

Anonymous wrote:No I dont know how to make small talk. Can you please help me learn?

I agree its a 2 way street. 100%. However should I initite every single time? I have done it in the past and it never leads anywhere. No I don’t put myself out there. I don’t know I expect someone to just appear and chase me. Im being serious.

I crave constant validation especially from men.

Yeah, saying you crave constant validation from men is a huge red flag. You need therapy for sure - you should be able to give yourself your own validation. You know who's really great at small talk? Hairdressers. That's how I really honed the art of it.

Anonymous wrote:Consider working with a therapist or life coach to help you reach your goal of finding friends and a partner. I won't sugar coat it, your low self esteem and and how you've written about yourself here are off putting. You claim you don't express this in real life, but you certainly project it. People are drawn to confident and happy people. We recoil from tense, hateful or bitter people. You want to elevate the vibes you put off.

When Im at work Im not social.
So even in social situations Im not engaging. I have been bullied in HS so I always second guess and overthink.
You are right I do project it.
Is going to a therapist a panacea though? I know many people in therapy and they are still miserable

Consider working with a therapist or life coach to help you reach your goal of finding friends and a partner. I won't sugar coat it, your low self esteem and and how you've written about yourself here are off putting. You claim you don't express this in real life, but you certainly project it. People are drawn to confident and happy people. We recoil from tense, hateful or bitter people. You want to elevate the vibes you put off.

No I dont know how to make small talk. Can you please help me learn?

I agree its a 2 way street. 100%. However should I initite every single time? I have done it in the past and it never leads anywhere.

No I don’t put myself out there. I don’t know I expect someone to just appear and chase me. Im being serious.

I crave constant validation especially from men.

I am so confused. If you are not putting yourself out there to meet people (either by online dating, or going to meetup events, or volunteering and joining organizations), how do you expect to meet someone?

Anonymous wrote:
I am Op

When I say no effort I mean I never initiate, but honestly (please dont sugarcoat it) shouldnt SOMEONE have initiated something at first? Noone ever has. And im not unaware. People dont like me.

I shower everyday, smell nice, prioritize oral hygiene, Im not overweight. I am not a racist or extreme leftist. I know not to talk politics and I am not an annoying or rude person. I am pretty sure that I am just not special. I am not worth something. People just dont care about me

No, why do you think someone ELSE should take on the responsibility of initiating conversation with you? You say people just don't care about you. Well, how do you show that you care about others? It's a two-way street.

Hard to say without more details. I once knew an acquaintance who confided to me her husband left her for this OW. Now she was stuck dealing with them both because of their children. She was a lovely woman, BUT aside from zero confidence she could have used a nice make-over. Presentation is important in dealing with people. She asked my honest opinion so I gave it to her. She had a really horrible nose to be frank. I told her in no uncertain terms to get rhinoplasty. Yes, it was that bad. One year later she did to my surprise, with a totally new look. Most people would not have recognized her, and her life became much better since she was happier.

Start making positive changes, get some therapy, and try to be more social.

I am Op

When I say no effort I mean I never initiate, but honestly (please dont sugarcoat it) shouldnt SOMEONE have initiated something at first? Noone ever has. And im not unaware. People dont like me.

I shower everyday, smell nice, prioritize oral hygiene, Im not overweight. I am not a racist or extreme leftist. I know not to talk politics and I am not an annoying or rude person.

I am pretty sure that I am just not special. I am not worth something. People just dont care about me

Are you kidding? You make zero effort! If you don't invest in other people, why should they invest in you?

What are your interests and hobbies? What are your strengths? What do you enjoy? What brings you pleasure? How do you like to fill your time when not at work? What about your work is interesting? Have you spent time making your home a cozy place?

With no effort, no, you won't have results. You have to make some effort to connect. Friendships and relationships are connections and mostly have to be built and maintained.

Connections mean you need to be able to communicate and you need content to communicate about. What do you think you know about that you could talk to others about? How are you socially? If you went to a meet up for x interest, would you chat with the people seated beside you? Can you make small talk? Would you have something to talk about?

Fluffers get paid, OP. Nobody wants the job of perpetually bolstering someone's self-esteem, constantly encouraging them, regularly reminding them of their worth. Pretty or not, that behavior gets old REAL quick.

If you don't like you, you will attract people who match your vibe (and you might be so desperate for attention/validation that you accept them). Work on yourself first. You have time; that's not a bad way to use it.

Your lack of confidence isn’t attractive. Are you grossly obese, do you bathe, do you clip your nails at your desk or bring fish to cook in the microwave? I’m sure there is someone out there for you. Are you friendly or do you look down when you pass people in the hallway? Do you approach others? Do you make an effort in your appearance? Hav you tried online dating? Do you have hobbies? A church? Alumni group? Paul pickle ball or tennis?

I wake up - go to work - come home - repeat.

What do I have to do to meet someone?
I think I’m not normal or mentally ill or something. Why does no one like me?

I have no friends or partner and yes I make 0 effort, however statistically speaking even if I make 0 effort I should have atleast a few people. But am I that unlikeable? Disgusting? Hard to look at? Worthless?
I am a shame to this world and my species.
Speaking of effort, I did try to initiate in high school, that never went well.

All this I keep in my head, I act normal in real life ofc I wouldnt go on this tangent at work. But I am just miserable from this.
No one likes me and Im ugly. That must be it. How do I help myself?