Anonymous
01/17/2025 13:30
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.
Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).
Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.
It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, YOU owe THEM something.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 13:30
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.
Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).
Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.
It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.
Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).
Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.
It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 13:28
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
My father moved from his native Asia to Europe in his 20s and stayed there to establish a family and career. So now they can't complain when I moved in my 20s to the US to establish a family and career!
You have full agency here, OP. Since I am part of a community of internationals living in DC, no one I know has family close by. Elderly parents in back in our home countries, managing as best they can. And even my American friends are transplants for the most part, with elderly parents back in their home states.
From my vantage point, being local to one's parents is the exception, not the norm.
So don't feel bad.
You have full agency here, OP. Since I am part of a community of internationals living in DC, no one I know has family close by. Elderly parents in back in our home countries, managing as best they can. And even my American friends are transplants for the most part, with elderly parents back in their home states.
From my vantage point, being local to one's parents is the exception, not the norm.
So don't feel bad.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 13:16
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
For my dad I didn't mind and it didn't feel like major sacrifices because he was gracious and loving until the end. For my mom, after enough years I felt major resentment and could not take the manipulation and entitlement so i got therapy, set boundaries and made me kids and husband a priority again. There were tantrums and insults, but somehow she finally hired people to do what I did for free and when she gets too comfortable and treats them the way she treated me, they quit.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 11:36
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
The smartest thing my sibling did was to move out of the country as a 30 year old newlywed.
Avoided all aspects of decision-making, obligations, expectations and responsibilities regarding our aging parents.
Our late parents were unusually organized -nearly obsessed with estate planning, premade funeral and burial arrangements, had an estate planning and trust, etc.
I remained “behind” and lived in between my parents and ILs.
I have always had a tenuous relationship with my ILs and for a variety of reasons, will not be assisting either in any way shape or form as they age. It would be odd for me to suddenly “help” (and I’ve offered) so I’m off the hook. The ILs refuse to help themselves and are stubborn and unwilling to receive any assistance or advice.
So no, I’m not putting my life on hold for parents and ILs. Life has to go on.
Avoided all aspects of decision-making, obligations, expectations and responsibilities regarding our aging parents.
Our late parents were unusually organized -nearly obsessed with estate planning, premade funeral and burial arrangements, had an estate planning and trust, etc.
I remained “behind” and lived in between my parents and ILs.
I have always had a tenuous relationship with my ILs and for a variety of reasons, will not be assisting either in any way shape or form as they age. It would be odd for me to suddenly “help” (and I’ve offered) so I’m off the hook. The ILs refuse to help themselves and are stubborn and unwilling to receive any assistance or advice.
So no, I’m not putting my life on hold for parents and ILs. Life has to go on.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 11:12
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
OP, the question of what we owe our parents varies by family. IME, the parents who truly parented their own kids well don't have to set demands like this; their kids want to treat them as they were treated. And on the flip side, the parents who had unreasonable expectations of their kids since childhood continue to have those same unreasonable expectations of their adult children - who, if they've matured beyond that dynamic, understandably don't want to fulfill them.
What you've told your parents is entirely reasonable. If they try to make you feel guilty, remember that you don't have to accept that guilt.
What you've told your parents is entirely reasonable. If they try to make you feel guilty, remember that you don't have to accept that guilt.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 10:33
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
OP here. We are in our late 50s and they are 79. And one of them had a parent who lived to 102. So, yes, we will be 80 if either lives that long.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 10:20
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
Anonymous wrote:Our parents are still independent, but we had a conversation that is making me think: What do we owe our aging parents in terms of staying close by? They made it clear to us that being nearby is important as they age, that it is our responsibility to look after them, and that we should not move away until they are gone.
Given that they had us young and the longevity in our family, it’s conceivable that we could be caring for them until we ourselves are 80 or so.
We reassured them that if we decided to make a move out of state after we retire, we would either ask them to relocate with us or make sure they had care in the form of assisted living or in-home aides. I don’t think they liked this answer.
I understand that it’s important to look after our parents, but does that mean sacrificing our own desires in terms of where to live???
I can see why they don't like the latter....but if they are unwilling to take you up on the former, then your obligation ends.
I will agree with someone else that you aren't doing yourself any favors if you move away and then spend tons of time and money traveling back because they get sick. You have to make the decision that you won't do that.
The problem that I think many families have is that how do you know the relocation is permanent? I respect my in-laws that mentioned they would have no problem moving near us, but we have moved so many times for various job opportunities that they have no idea if we are finally done or not.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 09:26
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
Your parents sound incredibly selfish. I’m sorry.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 09:25
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
I grew up in a very small town in New England. Nearly everyone from my high school went away to college and never returned. My parents refused to ever leave the area and the house and the difficulties were immeasurable as they aged. Ice, snow, concerns about driving, home repairs. My father was a very difficult man who couldn’t be reasoned with.
After he passed we were able to convince my mom to move down south close to my sister. She was not happy about it and still brings it up at every opportunity, how we forced her to leave her beautiful home - but there was no other option. None of us were in a position to quit our jobs and move to New England to take care of her in her small town.
Many in this generation are indeed unreasonable. And if you have never moved then it can seem quite scary. We turned down exciting opportunities to work abroad because we were concerned about being too far away when they were in their seventies. Here my mom is now ninety years old. I have some regrets now. One person shouldn’t get to dictate the terms for over twenty years. I also realize that when I am their age I would not do the same.
After he passed we were able to convince my mom to move down south close to my sister. She was not happy about it and still brings it up at every opportunity, how we forced her to leave her beautiful home - but there was no other option. None of us were in a position to quit our jobs and move to New England to take care of her in her small town.
Many in this generation are indeed unreasonable. And if you have never moved then it can seem quite scary. We turned down exciting opportunities to work abroad because we were concerned about being too far away when they were in their seventies. Here my mom is now ninety years old. I have some regrets now. One person shouldn’t get to dictate the terms for over twenty years. I also realize that when I am their age I would not do the same.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 09:09
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
Anonymous wrote:You need to put on your own oxygen mask first. You raised your kids. Do you have an expectation that they’ll live near you for the eventuality that you’ll need to be taken care of? I’d bet that answer is no.
For some reason our parents generation seems to have this sense of entitlement and expectation that our generation exists only to make sure their needs are met as they age. It’s incredibly selfish. I’m living this now so I feel as though I have the right to this opinion.
There is no planning on their part and they refuse to make changes that would make their own lives easier so it falls on us. I’d suggest if you’re planning a move to do it sooner than later because if you’re still in the local area when they start needing massive services you may be stuck, like many of us are. Go live your life!
I’m sorry your parents haven’t planned well and have those expectations. My parents are the opposite. They are extremely appreciative when we help them and hire out for things like yard care and house cleaning. We have always been close and they helped when our kids were young and our kids are very close to them even now.
That being said, they’re not in a position to relocate and we accept that and agree that they’d be miserable. So for the time being, yes, we are staying nearby primarily because of them. Not everyone would make the same choice but we would not be at peace leaving my parents high and dry at this stage of their life.
We have also had multiple friends who moved then spent lots of time traveling back and forth due to a health issue with their parents.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 08:54
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
How old are they now? How old are you guys?
I think you do the best you can given the circumstances you have. I always intended to have my father move in with us at some point, but he ended up passing away unexpectedly so it was never needed. And my mom died young, many years ago.
You can’t point to a hard and fast rule. There are too many variables.
I think you do the best you can given the circumstances you have. I always intended to have my father move in with us at some point, but he ended up passing away unexpectedly so it was never needed. And my mom died young, many years ago.
You can’t point to a hard and fast rule. There are too many variables.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 08:53
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
It's hard, OP. You don't have to make your life revolve around them, but it's really hard to be involved in their care at all (even with nursing home help) if you are far away. And it's harder for them to relocate once they're old or sick.
I have a lot of admiration for grandparents who move to stay close to their adult kids (assuming kids want that) in order to make this easier.
I have a lot of admiration for grandparents who move to stay close to their adult kids (assuming kids want that) in order to make this easier.
Anonymous
01/17/2025 08:49
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
You need to put on your own oxygen mask first. You raised your kids. Do you have an expectation that they’ll live near you for the eventuality that you’ll need to be taken care of? I’d bet that answer is no.
For some reason our parents generation seems to have this sense of entitlement and expectation that our generation exists only to make sure their needs are met as they age. It’s incredibly selfish. I’m living this now so I feel as though I have the right to this opinion.
There is no planning on their part and they refuse to make changes that would make their own lives easier so it falls on us. I’d suggest if you’re planning a move to do it sooner than later because if you’re still in the local area when they start needing massive services you may be stuck, like many of us are. Go live your life!
For some reason our parents generation seems to have this sense of entitlement and expectation that our generation exists only to make sure their needs are met as they age. It’s incredibly selfish. I’m living this now so I feel as though I have the right to this opinion.
There is no planning on their part and they refuse to make changes that would make their own lives easier so it falls on us. I’d suggest if you’re planning a move to do it sooner than later because if you’re still in the local area when they start needing massive services you may be stuck, like many of us are. Go live your life!
Anonymous
01/17/2025 06:31
Subject: Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents
Our parents are still independent, but we had a conversation that is making me think: What do we owe our aging parents in terms of staying close by? They made it clear to us that being nearby is important as they age, that it is our responsibility to look after them, and that we should not move away until they are gone.
Given that they had us young and the longevity in our family, it’s conceivable that we could be caring for them until we ourselves are 80 or so.
We reassured them that if we decided to make a move out of state after we retire, we would either ask them to relocate with us or make sure they had care in the form of assisted living or in-home aides. I don’t think they liked this answer.
I understand that it’s important to look after our parents, but does that mean sacrificing our own desires in terms of where to live???
Given that they had us young and the longevity in our family, it’s conceivable that we could be caring for them until we ourselves are 80 or so.
We reassured them that if we decided to make a move out of state after we retire, we would either ask them to relocate with us or make sure they had care in the form of assisted living or in-home aides. I don’t think they liked this answer.
I understand that it’s important to look after our parents, but does that mean sacrificing our own desires in terms of where to live???